I’ll get this off my hairy chest – I like Sylvester Stallone. I’m sure it goes back to my childhood experience with Rocky but I like Sly and won’t apologize. I don’t know why I feel obligated to say that but we have this very opinionated friend who comes over here and there and her mouth always says things like this: “I tucking hate Sylvester Stallone” or “I fucking hate Clint Eastwood” or “I fucking hate Chevelle!” while countering with “I fucking love The Cure!” or “I fucking love Rancid!“ while adding “I can’t be around your fucking cigar because I will break out in hives and go into fucking anaphylactic shock!” and then leaves an hour or two later to go to a windowless bar where everyone smokes cigarettes all night and does karaoke until closing and then sending texts like “I fucking hate when I sing karaoke and everyone fucking looks at me!” So that’s that and I like Stallone even though he’s made some shitty movies and I don’t think Tulsa King is very good and now he’s got a reality tv show coming out for fucks sake but I still like him and I liked Cobra even though he goes around the entire movie with a matchstick hanging out of his lips. And he wears his sunglasses and gloves when he’s sitting around at home. But so what! I liked it! Yay for me!

I saw this in the theater when I was a kid too. I mean for real: Rocky, Rambo, the soccer one, the party at kitty and studs (?), but yeah – Stallone as a bad ass cop, grunting and shooting everyone and I think that was the first time I ever saw or recognized one of those guns with a laser pointer – wicked awesome. And he had a cool car. And he took no shit. And I had to get some of those sunglasses. I don’t think I ever adopted the matchstick though, not that I remember anyway. Anyway I watched this again and yeah it was all right. Everyone kills a bunch of people, there’s a ton of destruction by police and Brigette Nielsen dances around with a bunch of robots. Come on. Oh! And Sledge Hammer is in it for a little bit. Win.

Cobra is the nickname of a man named Cobretti which is awesome. The opening credits roll over a bunch of mean and nasty dudes who do a lot of HOOHAH RAH RAH chanting while clanging axes over their heads in some sort of furnace or boiler room which is also pretty awesome. The opening scenes show an obviously insane dude go to a grocery store and start blasting shit all over the place up to and including people which you probably can’t show these days because of all of the idiots out there now doing that for real fucking assholes but this guy’s got an agenda and he means so much business the cops have to call “The Cobra”. It doesn’t take him long but he screams up in his model 50s something or other vehicle, gets out, chews on his match and goes in to ‘waste the guy if he has to so no one else gets wasted’.”You’re a cop and you’re out of your mind” screams the asshole guy I hate from Dirty Harry and Hellraiser. “Don’t make me waste you.” Cobra grunts.

I think you know how the rest of this will go – lots of things getting shot and grenades being thrown and kisses made on the lips of Stallone and Nielsen and hey – I know my eyes are getting shitty but doesn’t Kristin Stewart look like Nielsen there?

Maybe, maybe not I guess. Maybe go fuck myself.

You know who DOESN’T look like Brigette Nielsen? Sledge Hammer:

I can think of exactly two people who read this place that might know what I’m talking about here. Actually – three maybe. That’s three more people than I deserve.

Anyway, so Cobra wastes everyone and then semi retires and gets a desk job and his HQ moves to a high rise in LA and he gets a job on the 52nd floor. But it turns out that he’s deliriously afraid of heights, elevators and the love of his mother so the last third of the movie is him literally fighting his demons and the angel of death trying to get to ground level again.

Does he make it?? Will Sledge Hammer get laid? Will Cobra’s partner have some intestinal problems from eating so much crap food?? Will the guy from Dirty Harry and Hellraiser get one of those closing shot punches to the face for being an unrelenting dickhead?? Will anyone turn up with a herpe from all of that kissing?? Will that matchstick finally find its purpose in the final minutes of the movie? There’s no sequel but I won’t spoil it!

Maybe if you watch it you’ll get a good surprise!

FILED UNDER: ROBOTS AND BOBBLEHEADS AND EXPLODING WATERMELONS AND SOME OF THOSE CLASSIC WACKY MISUNDERSTANDINGS BECAUSE THREE’S COMPANY IS ON IN THE BACKGROUND AND SORRY IM NOT TRYING TO BE A PERV BUT THISE ARE SOME LOW HANGING TORPEDOES WORKING THEIR WAY AROUND THE REGAL BEAGLE.