Remember the old days when you only had a couple of ways to watch something? (Many of you may not). There was the video store, local TV and maybe some cable or old timey satellite if you were lucky. Then we got Netflix DVDs and some streaming and iTunes was new. And improved! and gave us more options and hopefully things weren’t 480P and you could watch trailers and try and decide if something looked good or not unlike blindly renting something that was crap and probably had subliminal messaging in it to go rob shit and chew gum in public and do anal and run away from home and all of those things your presumably non humpy pastor warned you about. And never cut a deuce in church!! Scorn!

Sometimes, even, my proud history learners, you could look at the trailer and there’s a bunch of violence and half naked chicks slinking and writhing around in their underwear or taking a steamy shower and you rent it because that’s the kind of shit you grew up watching from those video stores or the cable and satellite so you’re fond of them and sometimes it pays off. And then sometimes you think you’re gonna get lucky like that one time back in high school when you met that girl at the pool hall and one night you two were watching Toxic Avenger and OMG what a deal and you KNOW you can’t get lucky with a movie but maybe it’ll be good or something and then you sure up and run afoul of shit like Muck.

Let’s set this up – this opens with five (or more I don’t remember or care) youths bleeding and crawling around in some goddammed swamp in the middle of the night. One of the chicks is only in her underwear and the other two are half dressed. One of the dudes is bleeding badly and they don’t know where they are. They head to a house, break in and one of them goes upstairs, strips and takes a shower. Naturally. There is NO explanation as to who these people are, why they are where they are, why they are unclothed, why this guy is bleeding so bad or why the lady thinks it’s the perfect time to bathe and lather up her cans. Then the opening credits roll and it’s some chick with her boobs out wandering around in the swamp for ten minutes, looking scared and lost. This character has nothing to do with anything the fuck else and showcases the most pointless nudity I’ve seen since Halle Berry showed ’em in Swordfish. I guess if I was fifteen it wait who am I kidding I guess if I was 25 it wou wait who am I maybe if i was younger this could have done something here or there but. Whomp whomp whomp sad sad trombone.

The reason behind their appearance in this swamp is never explained. Neither are the stark white bad guy villain people in this movie or what the fuck Kane Hodder is supposed to represent. This movie goes like this: BOOBS, TALKING, BOOBS, TALKING, BOOBS, TALKING, BAD GUYS SHOW UP, BOOBS, TALKING, BOOBS, TALKING, BRAS, VIOLENCE, VIOLENCE, BOOBS, BOOBS, VIOLENCE, TALKING, SHOVELS, BOOBS, SWAMP, BOOBS, END. This thing makes no sense whatsoever and it was really kind of miserable even though now we’re all nice and just say “hey Im proud of you for making something because I never have but this really just wasn’t for me thanks and have a nice day i hope you made lots of money senor or kind englishman or oui oui viva la france!” . And then there’s just unnecessary shit thrown in for filler (I guess). Like – there’s this one scene where two girls and a guy are in a shitty, dive bar. The chick with the biggest bosom wants to get laid so she goes into the bar’s bathroom with nothing but her purse. The bathroom looks like it’s in some sort of brand new house, complete with flowers and clean doors and mirrors and she promptly tries on ten different bras for five minutes. So….. she went out to the bar with ten bras shoved in her purse? What?

Remember – the outside of this door is the crappiest craphole in the anus of America. Here’s another dig at what could possibly be Missouri.

There’s another bit where one of the leads – the only who hadn’t shown almost everything yet, gets captured by the albinos. While, previously, they had been vicious killing machines showing no fucking mercy, they take her down to the basement, hold her arms up and rip her clothes off. Then they throw her through a window and she’s dead. They might as well have oiled her up for some sort of Grecian sunbathing. Nothing made any sense.. I was hoping this would at least be fun in it’s own right but it wasn’t. At all.

If you’re like me and want to know something about this movie you just watched, even though it’s usually best to just avoid IMDB reviews altogether, apparently this was a crowd funded run at making a trilogy. As it turns out, this was the planned SECOND movie of the three and the sequel would be the first explaining what the motherfuckers are doing in the swamp in the first place. Well, guess what? They ALL die so who gives a fuck? Ooops sorry spoilers.

I feel like this is the movie equivalent of someone with bad breath sitting real close to you while you’re trying to concentrate on something at work.

FILED UNDER: SWAMP ASS