For this piece I’m going to try and write this entire thing without using the letter E (lower or upper).

In this coming of age story – well oops I fucked that up.

In The Last Matinee, a youngish girl gives her grandpa some relief by sitting in the projection booth of an old theater and promises to keep an eye on the reels. Below her, inside and outside the theater itself, a man who likes to eat eyeballs is killing everyone. Will she make it out alive?? Or will this mystery guy also kill her, pop out her eye and eat it?

I liked this movie but, even though it’s not the biggest deal in the world, I didn’t really understand why a lot of this was happening – but that mostly has to do with the killer guy. Why is he so angry that people are watching this movie? Why does he kill them all? Why is he carrying eyeballs with him everywhere? Why is he eating them? When he does eat them, why does he shove them in his mouth like that – does he not have any front teeth (he does, they show them). What kind of liquid solution does he keep his eyeballs in? I would think formaldehyde but that couldn’t be good on your stomach. Maybe it’s the same type of brine they used to keep the pickles in back in the old Drive In days. Also – who is he and what’s his problem? Also also, I don’t think that was ‘matinee’ in the way I think of a ‘matinee’ unless where they are is just perpetually raining and black outside, even during the day. I think (?) this was made in Uruguay so maybe (?)? I’ve never been so I don’t have any first hand thoughts on the subject. But I did like the thing. I think so anyway.

In this movie there exists several very cool slow motion sequences – two of which involve round objects rolling down stairs. I’m not sure of the significance to these shots other than being cool looking but let’s pretend I’m smart for a couple of minutes. Do these spheres represent a boy’s loss of childhood: his toys rolling and bouncing away from his grasp as he turns older and moves on to other things like knowledge and sexual matters – the comforts and securities his family provided him all of these years now eluding him? When they perform something similar later, is this a rendering of a bitter, hungry, old man’s life coming to an end, his failed accomplishments and sorrowful legacy slipping away as he leaves behind an unknown number of carcasses; victims of his childhood losses and scars of sentimental trauma?

We also follow the exploits of two people, maybe in their 20s. I found this relationship strange and, well, quizzical. They seem to be strangers yet sit directly beside each other. They are not familiar although she wants him to take her to a birthday party (if I remember correctly). He doesn’t seem to understand her behavior but, guessing his age, surely he’s read a book about male life or at least one magazine that could explain these perverse feelings his loins are generating. “Please take me to my aunt’s party” she coos and whispers, working his penis in a manipulative fashion. “I really want to see my aunt,” up and down, smoothly.

We’ll now return to normal writing form, thankfully.

“DIOS PINCHE MIO!!” He screeches, the popcorn and, um, everything else exploding all over the place. “AYYYY MI ALBONDIGAS!! BRUJA!! MI MI MI!!!” and he runs off to clean the – uuuuhhhh noooooooooo nooooooooo noooooooo don’t do it – to clean off his burrito y juevos. Ay. What have I become. At what cost do I finish this post?

But really, this wasn’t too bad. I did read one thing that may or may not be true but I think it said that the bad guy who eats eyeballs is the actual director of the Frankenstein style movie that everyone is watching at the theater. That may or may not be interesting but there’s this one part where three runaway homeless teens are watching the thing and one of them is like “what is this shit?” and it was hah rofl lmao shit your pants funny. It wasn’t actually that good but it was subtle and dry and my type of humor. Kind of like “you ate sand?” – a throw away line I caught and appreciated. Like burrito y juevos. I fucking crack myself up.

Simply put, some teen girls take on an eye eating dude that’s killed everyone older than them. It’s got squishy gooey sound effects for the kills and a lot of trendy synth music going on that I like. There’s slo-mo sequences of shit falling down stairs and someone nuts his pants. I’m not opposed to reading subtitles but I’d honestly just rather not since they distract me but if you don’t understand Uruguayan you’ll need them. Does this sound like it’s your type of thing? Will it get your appropriately adjectived burritos o juevos ready for the big finale? I don’t know because nobody tells me anything anyway but fingers crossed!

FILED UNDER: PICKLED EYEBALLS AND SOGGY UNDERWEAR AND EVERYONE TOLD YOU NOT TO NUT YOUR PANTS IN PUBLIC THATS WHAT YOU FUCKING GET YOU THINK IM COMNG TO PICK YOU UP AND GET THAT IN MY CAR SEAT THINK AGAIN SOLDIER