How do I start off this piece about this strange movie? Do I say: OMFG! THISWASBALLSOUTAWESOME! Because it wasn’t really but I thought it was very pleasing and I liked several of the things they did in here. Do I need to remind anyone who dares to come here that I like movies like The Seed that revolve around what I might call a horny space turtle that one character describes as “stinks of shit.” when I don’t enjoy or even watch Best Picture things? I haven’t written about Babylon yet (even though I loved it) because it will be thoroughly covered elsewhere – but someone has to tell you about that horny turtle —> FOR SCIENCE AND THE ARTS! And Mysticism and The Arcane! And also because I liked it and, since they totally copied my essence as we all know – my blog stinks of: #effluvium

Do you know what else I liked about this movie besides the lady named Charles, the practical effects and some slo-mo-girls-dragging-something? A lot if it takes place in the daylight so I can see shit and my cataracts can go fuck themselves! But I think I should be fair and say this: it’s probably not for everyone and, if you read this place, you probably already know that. Although, I did just get off my lazy fat ass and go look at a list of Best Picture winners and somehow I’ve seen a lot of them. So now I’m a ticking liar too? Jesus. Hunh. I’m still pissed Pig didn’t get invited to that party so they can still fuck off! Like my cataracts! Eat shit! Here’s some shitting for you: poop poop. Have I mentioned the other night I had a dream I was in a giallo type setting trying to dig up clues out of some sort of desk? I think I was a cop or helping the cops. Everything was that old smeared concrete look and very very crowded with boxes and drawers – I think I was looking for a deck of cards. Or maybe some matches. Everything was old but not the way things were where I grew up, old in that old 70s Italian way you see in the movies.

Where were we? The Seed!

In this, three chicks that I find attractive head to some property out in the middle of the desert. There they plan to chill and relax and get loaded and watch a meteor shower and maybe find some dudes and ball like there’s no tomorrow and swim around in their two piece swimsuits because they’re young and skinny and one of them is a sort of annoying social influencer that I hate but she’s all right and one of them is named Charlotte but the other two ladies call her Charles which indicates decent script writing alluding to the three being friends for a long time and that first night these meteors shoot across the sky and one lands in the pool and they fish it out and the social media lady looks at it and says “it stinks of shit” and I was into it, the movie not the smelly rock because I have enough problems and don’t need any more fucking trouble.

So this space rock opens up and it’s got something in it so I assume it’s THE SEED and the thing is noisy and stinky and the next day they try and get rid of it but the nose picking dumb shit lawn boy they pay to remove it sees it and runs off crying and waving his arms in the air like he just won something on The Price Is Right so they’re stuck with the goddamned thing and well shit wouldn’t you know it someone brings it inside and before too long one of them is – hmmm – cosmically seduced – maybe? – and has some sort of – uh – interstellar sex with the stinking thing and – well – how do you like that?

Will anyone survive this mess? Will these things overtake our planet? Will Charles have to kiss that guy on the lips? Who wrote everything in that notebook? How did they get so much electricity out to that luxury home in the middle of the desert? Would it have been cooler if when they killed fygthgygfy a bunch of dsrddrtds had come out and ran around everywhere? If I was younger and single would Charles kiss me on the lips?

So this stinking of shit thing opens and it turns into what looks like, to me, a turtle:

Is that what it’s supposed to be? I don’t know because no one tells me anything so I have to assume things, right or wrong. What gets me, again I don’t know much about turtles or tortoise anatomy, but it makes some sort of starry eyes at one of the ladies and she gets horny I guess or entranced and some sort of red blanket like thing comes out of his – uh – undefined area and it wraps her up or something and she has weird visions and then she’s in love with it and it’s resting in a bed like he owns the place and she’s pregnant with some sort of interstellar baby that we don’t know if it stinks of shit or not. I don’t know if she’s a skankbeast or if the thing had some oomph in his cone hither eyes but I guess he’s the one who got laid, thanks so much goddamn and have a nice Monday.

I don’t really know what else there is to say today. I don’t know if there’s any eye popping alien insanity like the poster claims but I liked this OK enough. If this was high school again I’d go to one of those outside or in some sort of warehouse parties and drink keg beer out of a trashcan with it and then maybe make out with it behind the bushes or in the back of someone’s car and then when the cops came I’d go running off and hope we’d not get arrested or busted like we used to call it and then it would all be over anyway with all of us running through the fields or off down behind buildings like we’re getting attacked or something and then it’s Monday and we see each other in the hall and kind of chin to each other I guess but then that’s it because one of us probably smelled like throw up anyway because of that stupid, warm beer and there’s no need to get back into it and waste anyone’s time because they’re already talking about next week and there’s going to be this fight out at Britton Circles and I’ve got other things to do anyway like drink beer and get a job and pay my mom rent money and wait until i’m old enough to get my own place and then fuck i can do whatever i want whenever i want and no one can ground me anymore for coming home drunk and stinking of cigarettes and puking everywhere in her kitchen because it’s not my fucking fault anyway and i guess the only real chick i liked enough at that time was this girl i met out in Disneyland and she and her sister were just there for a few days visiting her own grandparents from Mexico and that night we were hanging out on her front porch i sang ‘I remember You’ by Skid Row to her like some sort of super romance stud and that’ll give you an idea of how old I am and was all in love and goo goo over her but she had to go back home and I had to come back here and just get yelled at and grounded for more shit even though i was just being a teenager and fuck finally my friends and I got that rental house and adios fucking rules now i can stay up all night drinking whiskey and smoking and playing Tecmo Bowl and going to bars and smoking weed and dropping acid and up yours society even though i was actually not that bad and still worked hard and paid my bills and taxes and tried to live a life making myself and other people happy for the most part and trying not to jizz the pants in the grain elevator and just not bothering anyone in general and that’s the way its turned out.

Would The Seed (movie) want to make out with me at a keg party? I don’t really know because I never really got lucky like that but i think it was more because I didn’t really care and would rather just hang out and fuck off and then we were all old enough to go to bars I’d just rather play darts or pool and I’d already had two long term girlfriends so I didn’t really need that hassle or drama again but back to The Seed and high school parties I doubt anything would have happened except maybe some of that doob smoking and some irrelevant awkward kissing and then it would probably go home with its friends and pass out somewhere and never think about me again except for the next week at school and it would be all – oh yeah hey i forgot you went to school here even though we had a class or two together and I’d be all yeah see you around sometime and it would go off and do other things and probably start liking the guy(s) who drove flashy sports cars when all I could afford was a 500 dollar 1972 Caprice Classic that sat eight but back to it and maybe a month or so later I’d see it at somewhere else like a football game and it would be all sad and broken up with whoever and want to hang because of that one time and I wouldn’t really want to because who needs that kind of rejection again and that would really be about it until one day you run into it 30 or so years later at the drug store and you ignore the possible situation and move on to the next aisle without trying to make eye contact and go about your own business getting your blood sugar and cholesterol prescriptions and just hope no type of conversation materializes in the check out aisle and then you get lucky and nothing does and then that’s how all off that turned out.

FILED UNDER: HAPPY SPACE TURTLES