Have you ever been to a scarehouse? I haven’t but I don’t think it’s called that where I live. If it’s the same thing I’m think of based on what I saw in this moving picture, those are called haunted houses over here and yes I’ve been in one, even though they usually don’t actually take place in a house but more like some sort of unused building someone can rent and fill up with people screaming and chasing you down a hall with a chainsaw. So, yep I’ve been in a few and I don’t really like them because they’re loud and noisy and filled with germy people and, yep, the whole part with the guy chasing you down the hall at the end, screaming his fucking brains out, revving a chainsaw like a motherfucker always scared the shit out of me so I just do the right thing and avoid those goddammed places. Plus, I’m not a teenager and don’t need the thrills. That’s for a much younger crowd than me, probably the type of people who do Molly all night and stay up past 11. 11! Let’s try to circle back to that later.

Have you ever been in a pillow fight? Wait. Come back to that later.

Have you ever met a slut? Stop. Come back.

Where was I? Oh yes, setting the bar very, very low for writing about movies.

This starts off with some sorority sisters videoing themselves talking about being sluts, fake boobs, having sex, dildos and all of that good stuff that every girl I’ve ever met must talk about every time they get together, especially if it’s more than two of them. Then they probably take off their clothes, put on lingerie and douse each other with beer and champagne. That’s my experience anyway. I mean, I don’t know any better so that’s got to be it. “Hi girl, I know we just met but would you like to swap underwear?” “Sure, stranger, that sounds GREAT! I’ve been waiting for this moment since I turned 18!” “Me too!” “Do you like rock music?” “I do!! Do you want me to smash a pillow in your face and spread feathers all over your sweaty chest and buttocks??” “OMG OMG YES!”

Then we cut to real camera action and these two chicks are setting up The Scarehouse – a place so goddammed horrifying everyone who visits get their own shit scared out straight of them, all up and down in their pants and maybe all over the walls. There’s even two entrances – one for paying visitors and one for SLUTS. Soon, a girl walks up the to the SLUTS entrance and heads right in like the slut she is. Here, you might get a little confused at what’s going on since they go ahead and string her up and kill her using a corset but, hey, it all works out later. Crazy sluts!

Throughout the night, more sluts show up and are greeted by these mysterious figures and may or may not be gruesomely murdered sluts.  Let’s segue – So – in the 90s I worked in this restaurant, as you may know by now. That kind of life is (or at least was) filled with all sorts of hedonism and debauching. And drugs and liquor. I really don’t remember why (maybe a party?) but one time this waitress followed me back to this old rent house a few of us lived in and before you knew it, somehow, amazingly, unbelievably, wait-what-ing-ly, someone who writes on this blog had his pants down and something was happening with that waitress’ mouth and someone else’s – uhhhhhh – you probably know. I honestly don’t remember why that happened but I was OK with it and life went on. I remember trying to ask her out for something another time but it didn’t work out because of some other dude and whatever. *Shrugs* But – HEY!

After I finally got out of that fucking job and life I got a job for a phone company and things changed and then one day I ran into someone I used to work with at the restaurant and we were all “OMG it’s good to see you again I’m so glad you don’t work for that shitfuckplace any more! Wow let’s go grab a beer sometime.” So that person had some sort of small party at her house with her new work place friends and I went one night and we were reminiscing in the shit that was the restaurant in font of everyone and someone mentioned this one dude and I guess he was the dude that was the other guy that stymied me later after that whole mouth thing and I said that the mouth girl must have been some kind of slut or something and my new / old coworker said, angrily, and I do quote “NO. I’M THE SLUT.”

I won’t tell you what happened after that because this is a clean place and filled with happy dreams and mahogany desks but, up there earlier, when I asked if you’ve ever met a slut —- I did, I guess.

One of my favorite scenes in this involves a big chase through the scarehouse and some girl on girl fighting and kicking. Will they kiss?? Who knows!! Will a boob fall out?? You could get so lucky! You’ll also learn what this is all about through the use of the flashback video clips which isn’t gimmicky here – it serves a purpose and proves that this is a well written script. Oh yeah – one time we were on the way somewhere, stopped in traffic and these two girls ahead of us got out of two separate cars and started fighting in the street. They were screaming and punching and pulling hair and ——- a shirt got ripped and a tit was out. So there you go.

I really did kind of like this movie and I think it was a lot of fun – it also looks like the people who made this had fun making it, which makes it more fun for me to enjoy. I loved Elaina, I loved that they didn’t go CGI and – I don’t know – I just really liked the whole thing. I don’t really have any gripes at all. I LOVED how it ended. Just always keep in mind:

#NoRoofies & #NoCorsets = #NoFun

Before I forget – pillow fights!

Have you ever been in a pillow fight? Thinking about this post, I don’t think I ever have but I guess and assume it’s nothing but fun, right?? Jumping around and laughing? I think one time someone farted on / into a pillow and then shoved it on my face and sat on it. I remember that. Wow that’s a 40+ year old memory from when I was a kid. God damn.

My original intent was just to ask if you’ve ever been in a pillow fight like I asked about the slut but now I feel violated and sad. I think that was at my grandparents’ where I spent a lot of time growing up. Now I miss them and that old house. What’s become of today’s post?

Wait there was one other thing, right? Oh yeah! Staying up past 11. I did use to be one of those guys who could stay up until four in the morning (see all of that shit above) and then get two hours of sleep and got to work at 6 or 630. Yep. Nowadays if I see 10pm that’s late for me. 11? Go to hell! For real, last summer or so I stayed up super late watching a football game – think midnight-ish and I was SO TIRED for three days. Never again!

FILED UNDER: THEY ALMOST MADE IT TO TJE HAPPY ENDING