Sometimes we like to introduce new terms out here at Eric Undead just so we can still call ourselves an educational site so today’s adventure in learning is going to be about Abscission. Abscission is the natural process where a plant sheds parts like leaves, flowers, or fruit. It happens when days get shorter or weather turns cold. The plant forms a special layer of weak cells at the base of the stem. This breaks off cleanly to protect the plant from disease and water loss. Im sure you might have been thinking about that abscess you might or might not have gotten rid of yet but it’s not really the same thing. That abscess on your butt or your ginger or really your finger or maybe your elbow or your thigh or in your mouth needs to be seriously looked at by a physician or veterinarian or anyone with a sterile needle and some gauze pads (maybe not the old lady down the street that hoards all of those Amazon boxes) but that nasty thing needs to be lanced and opened and cleaned my god what are you waiting for? If we need to maybe we can open a fund and help you out but you’ve got to get to that thing before it eats and eats away. And I bet it stinks.

With all of that going on, just in case you haven’t seen this movie, I’ll just recap this in one easy, quick sentence that will probably have some spoilers up in there.

So there’s this guy and he works in this cool music store with his bro and these two hot chicks and it’s really cool because Andy Richter runs the place and he’s got the hots real bad not Andy Richter the main guy in the movie I mean real bad for this one chick who just likes him as a friend and probably gives him side hugs like some stranger on the street but he’s got it bad and he’s too scared to ask her out but he’s got boners like real painful and hard rocking stinger boners and he buys this lucky charm thing at a cool new age store that will grant him one wish so he wishes she’ll only love him forever and it comes true and she slowly goes apeshit loving only him so much like she makes a memorial out of his dead cat for him using his dead cat and even makes him a sandwich of dead cat and stands in the shadowy corners and watches him sleep and duct tapes the door shut because I guess this place only has one door and no windows and even stands there and pees herself waiting for him while he goes to work and tells his bro friend that he thinks his new girl is acting weird and the other girl that works there who is also hot too who likes our scaredy cat lead character guy says that new in love apeshit girl and his bro friend used to do it on the sly so why bother with that trampy slut anyway and move off to college with her but you know that’s not going to fly with new apeshit love girl and wouldn’t you know it she catches other girl cool college chick in the front seat of her car with scaredy cat lead character boy and she smashes the window in with a brick and and then smashes cool college chick’s face to a pulp on the steering wheel and lead character boy is all oh fucking shitcrap someone needs a good buttfucking just kidding to see if anyone is paying attention what can i do to stop this and the cool new age store won’t do anything about it because that’s not how it works and the wish will just be there until one of them dies ‘dies??’ he asks pissing himself and the store guy is all ‘yep dies did i stutter you stupid fucking kid” so he runs off and goes home where apeshit girlfriend is and she’s all bloody and probably stinks like pee and being crazy and brains and maybe even B O and he decides to kill himself using the pills he has in his cabinet that the cat accidentally ate at the beginning of the movie and that’s what killed it which is good writing and not just some clever plot device so he swallows all those pills without water somehow and and goes and lies down in her lap and dies and she goes apeshit crazy crying her brains out all over the place and then she stops because the spell is finally over and she goes apeshit crazy crying her brains out all over the place because of all of the people she’s murdered while under that spell and it’s actually a pretty good movie.

So yeah I thought this was pretty good and at the time of this writing this movie is getting a lot of love and also getting a lot of hate because people are giving it a lot of love. I thought the way they either wrote it or the actress pulled it off but how she was drawn to him because of the spell but didn’t actually know what was happening or why was done really well. Maybe it wasn’t a spell and maybe it was a wish but come on. Anyway what else can i say – i thought she was great. What else – oh yeah – i feel like this is kind of like the grandson of It Follows with the way the shots are set up and the synth score – both of which I also liked – also = the grandson of It Follows because I’m old but i was reminded of that often throughout this piece of media. I also just spelled throughout as throughtout which reminded me of a time back in the 1980s when the first big shopping mall opened near me and my friend and I went and there was the little bank kiosk where you could write checks or deposits slips or something and i thought it would be funny as all get out to write a note that read “PEN IS OUT OF ORDER” and put that pen on top of it HAHHHAHAHA GA GA HA but I wrote “PENIS OUT OF ORDER” really on accident and we left it there and we still make that joke to this day when things go wrong: “penis out order”.

So to recap:

Obsession: Good

Terror on Blood Fart Lake: Penis Out of Order

The new Resident Evil movie: Good

When Michael Penix Jr throws an interception: Penix Out of Order

Green Chile Stew: Good

Green Chile Stew with a wingnut that flew off of a food processor in it: Penis Out of Order

Fingers: good

That oozing abscess and the end of your finger that’s dripping white gunk out of it: Penis out of order

That penis over there that’s ooz

FILED UNDER: BLACK OOZING PEN IS OUT OF ORDER