Woof.

I mean what was this shit? I know a lot of people don’t like Mel Gibson anymore but I still do in that way nostalgia can getcha (Beyond Thunderdome gives me great memories) but his acting movies have been kind of sus lately – like that one in the hurricane and that stupid one in the radio station – but I figured he could still make a good movie? Right? A good director? Apocalypto and all that? Maybe a log of people liked this and I just didn’t get it? I thought this was poo.

Picture: a federal Marshall has captured a felon. The felon is Topher Grace of all people and he spends the entire movie in Eric Foreman mode making smart remarks and crying about his mommy. The Marshall is this pretty English lady who probably plays rich British monarchy everywhere but I know her from a TV show called Godless that I loved. In here she’s mostly addled and confused probably wondering if there are two Mel Gibsons out there – the one that directed Braveheart and whoever this guy is calling the shots here.

The Marshall has to deliver the witness protection felon banker account guy from some small town in Alaska to a bigger town in Alaska so they can go to a bigger town in Washington or Oregon. They’ve got to take a little twin engine four seater plane over the mountains and bears to get to the next bigger town and their pilot is a gum smacking, lip licking pervert played by Markie Mark who also happens to be wearing a half-bald wig for some reason that makes no sense that you can CLEARLY see if you watch this on a screen with high resolution. With all of this going on I don’t get the joke and Topher Grace was really irritating and Wahlberg was THE WORST. Didn’t he get in trouble recently for some sort of comment he made when he was younger? Maybe his atonement was to play a perverted imbecile in a big Hollywood motion picture for shame. I don’t know but everything was awful. He’s constantly talking about how he’s going to bang the Marshall lady whether she’s asleep or dead or not and I think one time he even stood up and stuck his finger through the zipper of his jumpsuit and started jumping around and wiggling it like it was his dong and singing ‘I’m a little teapot’. The last part didn’t exactly happened but it might’ve in a dream – the other weekend that huge winter storm hit where I live and we were iced in and I had too much salty soup and then had a few beers and I was SO BLOATED that night I literally had nightmares all night long – I think because of all that gas. So that whole teapot thing might have happened then but maybe Gibson left it in because it would’ve been so fucking funny. HAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHA OH I SHIT MY PANTS! OH GOD!

Most of this entire thing takes place inside the tiny plane and most of it is the tired tired tired back and forth of he’s got a gun swat I’ve got the gun he’s got the leverage he’s got the gun swat I’ve got the gun oh my god whose gonna land the plane we made it we made it he’s got a gun snappy one liner over. I hate to go back to the dream analogy but this is really like someone’s dream about what a movie involving an airplane might have been about once but the dream is fading away because now you’re awake but you just have to make that movie you committed to about a plane or something right the one about a mob accountant yeah that’s it no one’s ever seen that and let’s make sure we get some wise cracks in there that’ll get em in the seats.

One last thing I want to say about this one has to do with the big strangulation scene. After another uneventful tit for tat with locking down lick smack Wahlberg, he gets free and gets to usin’ the seatbelt around Marshall lady’s neck. “Lady I’m gonna get you real good and then bang your bones and then bang old boy over there and then bang his mom” he drools choking her so hard her face turns purple. I think she gurgles out something snazzy like “don’t get hot and bothered” and shoots him with a flare gun and saves herself and they go through a lot of makeup effects to consistently show her with these deep scratches around her neck. Except when they’re just missing two seconds later. Or they’re back. And then they’re missing. Etc etc. So poorly executed.

This may be an old saying from when I was a kid and no one knows it now but this movie can sit and spin. 👍

FILED UNDER: ARE YOU PROUD OF YOURSELVES

NOTE: Looking up pictures for this post I see that maybe Marky Mark did shave some of his hair for this motion picture and if that’s the case then what a true method actor and i must have been wrong about his half-bald wig but guess what, I don’t really care either way and it’s not my business and this movie sucked it.