A British girl is trying to sleep but she’s scared of lobsters! I mean monsters and WHY SPELLCHECK WHY DAMN YOU and she’s scared! Her pretty British momma comes in and soothes her and there’s something about a book – one of those leather bound things that could be flesh and it look like it has teeth. Books don’t have teeth I know that books can’t chew things and can’t make sounds like L and T and HISS or wear braces or get gum disease or even a cavity but I think this book had teeth and not like Billy Joel’s new teeth but anyway here she is with a book. And she’s all “it’s ok dolly there’s nothing here only tea and biscuits” so she looks under the bed and then gets pulled under it and disappears forever we guess. And it’s surprisingly not that bad of a sequence considering the other British films I’ve been watching lately that are nothing but stink but then this also could maybe be put together better or something? Maybe something? Won’t anyone just give them a push in the right direction? I know they’ve got money.

Take for instance the monster I assumed was a Wendigo. I mean who doesn’t like a good Wendigo, right? This Wendigo busts into the house like he owns the place and starts ripping heads off and tearing people in half. Now – it’s not super gory but there goes half a body and there goes half a body and there’s some blood and some quick guts but then if you look at Wendigo’s feet and claws they are clearly just some sort of plastic or styrofoam floppy things that couldn’t cut anything and they just kind of bippity boppity floppitty flip like a puppy’s ear flap flap flap and yet they shear people to pieces but can’t open a door and then just, do you know I’m always truthful and will never lie to you, they show that page about the monster later in the actual Book of Monsters and it’s called a “grota” so boy was I wrong and I apologize. It’s the thing in the poster at the top with the horns.

So that thing and its events were kind of cool and then there was something else out n the woods with one of those plague doctor masks for a head and it looked nice but then I think they temporarily stopped it by kicking it in the nuts and then it threw up worms on some garden gnomes and the gnomes came alive and attacked the house and made high pitched eekie eekie eekie noises and bit some guy on his dick while they were holding the door closed from the Grota and then they killed them with a broom while the Grota couldn’t get through the door handle or something even though they were really trying with all of their human strengths a minute ago to keep that door shut at all costs until he got bit on the dong and everything had kind of shit down the toilet there by that point but we press on because we’re Completists and don’t let things go just like that.

I do have to say I liked the blond teenager woman she seemed to have a good acting about her and a happy face and seemed real but then somehow I forget how, I think they were fist fighting, and the shapeshifter turned into her the blond lady and left the real blond dead under the bed but later the blond lady is back and hiding in the barn and whuuuuuuuut but there she is and runs into a German teenager lady who is also hiding in the barn and in the for real funniest thing I’ve seen in a horror movie in a while the English blond lady keeps misinterpreting the German lady. Sadly one of them ends up dead at the hands of a different monster that I think was Cthulhu inspired and the other one gets away but it’s ok because the one that died once died stays alive just long enough to tell some other survivors the blond teenager lady is alive after all so now everyone can get together like the avenging angels of England they were meant to be and save everyone’s sorry British asses.

As it turns out, the young lady who is turning 18, her mom collected a book of monsters that would one day protect her daughter from becoming a non-18 year old sacrifice to—- monsters. So I guess one day she was sitting around and thought one day I’ll have a teenager of my own and some monsters will try to kill her so I’ll write a book about it so she can use it before they sacrifice her. ? . The book also has some sort of cool looking Sanskrit type lettering so I wonder if she really wrote it but that’s just me trying to think things out. She (the mom) also had an underground room full of monster killin’ weapons hidden at the end of an underground tunnel. A tunnel that leads up to the barn where someone who was killed is currently hiding from her shapeshifter doppelgänger and no I did not put the umlaut over that a – Old Mister Spellchecky did that for me but can’t just accept the word “the” and changes it to something like THee eDDd more than half of the time for shit’s sake. But before I get too off track: almost eighteen year old and her friends are having a party when a shapeshifter comes from out of nowhere and kills the douchebag guy virgin in order to summon more monsters to sacrifice the daughter of the person who collected a book on them. Makes sense. Those crazy British.

Watching the Grota thing which The Demon Spellcheck keeps changing to grits, reminded me of a movie I really like called Feast which reminded me of my old myspace handle or whatever and my summary “I’m the guy that’s gonna save your ass” which reminded me again of Feast and how the sequels were just terrible but at least Clu Gulager was in them which reminded me of Return of the Living Dead which reminded me of “Spooky??! This is a way of life!” which reminded me of “I’m the guy that’s gonna save your ass” which reminded me that I need to finish this up and that Feast was very significantly better than this thing which reminded me of Feast when the girl is changing her bloody clothes and those two guys are staring at her and she’s all “act like you’ve seen a pair!” and the one guy is all “oh I have!” and the other says “I HAVEN’T!” which made my mind drift and finally to come back here to finish what I started.

I don’t feel like this was some sort of bad movie but needed some polish or something or maybe this is what the British kids like.

FILED UNDER: NOT THAT BAD I GUESS AND DONG BITING GARDEN GNOMES AND GROTA AND NOT FEAST AND ACT LIKE YOU’VE SEEN A PAIR

PS: do you smell someone sinning?