Picture: a man, an important man, perhaps a general or a nuclear physicist is thinking of his French lover, an entertainer, a performer, whose curves and angles arouse him to ecstasy at just the thought of her scent; he thinks of her, he is stricken with an inflammation, he hears a small cry, he is in a passenger van to an airport! The elderly woman next to him is pointing at his inflammation. He spills his – wait, wrong movie.

When I started this movie I was legit wondering if I’d ever been in a van before. Then I remembered that of course I had my first ever real big time girlfriend’s dad – they had a van and you could sit in it and swivel around and it had four chair seats and then a big long bucket seat in the very back and it had windows in the walls and he smoked so we could all smoke cigarettes in there and it wasn’t ever a bad experience. Then I remembered that there was this one year or two when we hung out with this guy named Boyd who grew mushrooms in his closet and we used to trip our balls off on those things and that was fun but I could never do I anything like that again or I’d lose my mind but he also had a van and it was more of a work van and had no seats in the back and the only time I ever went around in that thing I was sitting in the back on the floor high on shrooms and it was night and that wasn’t pleasant at all. And that made me remember this one time – I think probably the only time some chick ever hit on me at a bar – and you probably won’t believe this but she asked me to play pool at this bar called Henry Hudson’s and my friends I went there with all left so she had to give me a ride back to my old apartment and we were sitting in the parking lot of the apartment complex and she was telling me how she was unhappy in her marriage but she had four kids which was why she had the van and then she came in and we had drunk sex for a while and then she left and I never saw her again and i really haven’t thought about that in 25 years and I can’t really remember what she looked like but remember the bottoms of her feet were really dirty because she was playing pool in that bar with no shoes on and I noticed it while were you-knowing and thinking how that was really gross but we were you-knowing and I didn’t want to just stop you-knowing but that was a long time ago and I guess my experience with vans is probably two wins and one loss.

I know I embellish things sometimes but all of the above is true so let’s see what happens in this thing and hope that this isn’t something sad that we watch as good people slowly descend into hell.

This down on his luck fellow just can’t keep a goddammed job and most of that is because he has no car and has to take the unreliable bus everywhere. Eventually the unemployment agency gets him a job at a car wash which is run by a bow tie wearing chucklehead named Mr Kaufman and their slogan is something like “buffing muffs since 69” or something classy like that. In the meantime a rusty dirty beat up presumably semen splattered van has picked up a couple of people and killed them gruesomely. Why? No one knows but the mechanics of they way Creep Van has been set to murder people seems pretty illogical and when someone decides to get into Creep Van, you’d think they see these contraptions and be all “no thanks brah” but that’s not the case and they are brutally gored or smashed or split or their head gets smashed like a grape.

Why is Creep Van so angry? Why does Creep Van go around murdering innocent people? Why does no one suspect Creep Van? Why do the local police not care that there is a mass murdering killer going around running into people and cutting them in half and leaving their bodies lying there on the ground? We are shown there is a person driving Creep Van but why is this person so insane? Why do we never see the face but only his gloved hands tapping on the steering wheel? Why is he so impatient? Why did It also leave a man’s decapitated body lying on the floor next to his own severed head, a head which at this time has no name? I know his name says The Kurgan oops wrong movie. So many questions! Well – let’s see if we can read between the lines here.

I’m sure you’ve seen this by the time I’m writing this but you might have missed the big giveaway that you realllllyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy have to be looking for – it’s an easter egg if they still call them that hidden on the back of the for sale sign Campbell sees on the window.

Apparently it’s a page from Creep Van’s diary that Creep Van kept as a teenager. The penmanship is poor and the english is choppy but we here at Eric Undead did our best to translate it and report the honest and fair truth to our readers. It goes like this:

Me was watching Star Trek in me room when me hears a bump outside door. Door is inside door so can’t be doggie outside and can’t be Creep Mommy since Creep Mommy is at church or disco and Creep Daddy left so door is bumping and Creep Van scared. Who there yell Creep Van but no one say anything and Creep Van wet bed. Who there yell Creep Van and no one says nothing so me roll out of squishy bed and grab Creep Toy and yell me got a gun and door slowly open and Creep Van crying and in come boy from down street who steal Creep Van money and he yell i’m gonna beat Creep Van up and Creep Van throw Creep Toy but nothing and boy grab brass lamp and hit Creep Van across the head with it and Creep Van dizzy and throw up and don’t know what happening and boy yells have i committed murder and throws Creep Blanket over Creep Van hear boy say a senseless act of manslaughter and pop is gonna kill me and Creep Van hear smashing of Creep Records and stomping on Creep Toys and Creep Van mad and Creep Van see blood but Creep Van have no hands or arms to pull Creep Blanket off face so Creep Van trapped and vow to murder everyone once Creep Van is freed from this terrible fate and boy leave and later Creep Mommy come home and scold and spank Creep Van for making a mess in Creep Room and send Creep Van to P

And that’s how the page ends so we’re all left wondering just how Creep Van wrote that with no arms or hands and who or what is “P”?

But really – this movie was ok. I thought it would be another Blood Car but we can never strike gold like that twice in our lifetimes. For real, a guy gets a job at a car wash and a van goes around killing people. Eventually the van tracks him down and someone kills someone else and our main guy ends up in jail for murder. Lloyd Kaufman is in it for a cameo and there’s a funny line about how the guy wishes he had some malt liquor instead of beer – the effects are squishy but there’s really not that much else happening here. It’s probably not any better than what might have happened in that movie I started off with at the top. Let’s see what was happening for a second as we close out today.

Than man spills his drink! Fumbling to cover his inflammation, his complimentary martini spills down his trouser leg and the woman mistakes that for a different type of fluid. “Dios mio!” She screams in some sort of Central American dialect, her nun’s habit flying off. “Leche demonico!” she screams again and the van screeches to a stop. The man slides forwards in his seat, his inflammation exposed by the seatbelt underneath it, a reverse décolletage. His arms flail, the thought of his French tart replaced by the idea of a scythe rendering him neutral. “Oh this erection! I am your servant! May I bring you lipsticks or jewelry??” he twists internally. “Damn unto you!” With his left hand he excavates his rectal insert; it is scrimshawed and mother of pearl. With his right he unscrews the dagger portion. “Don’t fail mommy now” he whispers and begins to cut at his tether.

OMG where is this going.

FILED UNDER: SWOLLEN INFLAMMATORIES AND MUFFING BUFF AND CREEP MOM AND THE DEVIL’S MILK