I feel like I try to give almost everything the benefit of hey there’s something good in there – except maybe something with Dane Cook in it or a Noah Baumbach movie or anything with Eli Roth acting in it or those videos that are currently popular where someone looks at someone doing something and then makes a face like they don’t know that’s going on and then googles something and makes more funny faces and does it again or maybe probably spiders but by god this was terrible. I mean this could be one of the worst things I’ve seen ever but let’s be fair and take a deep look at things here.

I’ll readily tell anyone that I’m not a real fan of anything really from the 60s because it always seems to me like the only goal of that era was to make as much noise as possible usually with steel trap jazz drums and bongos which drive me insane. I grew up in the 70s so almost anything from that decade is nostalgia for me and I’ll probably love it or at least like what I see there I think with exceptions obviously. Because I lived during it, I understand the transition from film to home video but that doesn’t mean I like it and this thing called Boardinghouse is the real shits. And I get it that some of this might have been new and maybe creative at the time but this has no real value or quality and is probably worse than your local car dealership people putting on an act for some Labor Day sale or something. Or when our local news people here were getting ready for the newest Olympics and made a video of them saying things like “Buongiorno” and “calamari” – it was a real shit bucket of a commercial.

The first ten minutes are literally a grainy picture of someone sitting motionless at a computer, presumably typing. Green letters and words appear on our screen explaining how there’s this house and some people died in it and someone went insane or something. Then it shows the house and – I understand – they try very very early days of VCR special effects – like blobby splotches and swirly dyes and zoomy closeups and even this strange effect that I feel like you used to be able to achieve by putting your thumb on the lens and squishing it to make a sort of concave blob.

Then it goes back to more typing and voice over and says the house was handed down to descendants of the first people who then met grizzly deaths. One of those horrifying murders is an older man sitting by the swimming pool who falls in and dies and the other is an older lady in her nightgown doing something by a sink in a pitch black kitchen when she sticks her hand in the garbage disposal and it turns on and I guess she dies from it. Or she dies from screaming for three minutes straight and it’s back to voiceover. The following is a picture I found of the man who met his grizzly death by falling in the pool:

If turns out the house is then bequeathed to the last descendant who for some reason puts an ad in the paper that any woman can come live with him for like 100 dollars a month or something and not to worry about hanky panky because he’s got other things in his mind. And then we get to the real filmed footage of this terrible thing.

The first thing we encounter is this guy who looks like Malcolm McDowell sitting in his office with only his tighty underwear on, his legs are in some yoga pose and his banana is really hammocking and his eyes seem taped open and he’s using his power of telekinesis to move his office plants a couple of inches. Homm hommmmm hommmm he stares and the plants move or shake a little bit because they’re really trying not to show whoever’s hand that’s off screen moving them. Hommmm hommmm hommmm zoomy focus and swirl lights. But then his drunk coworker busts in with a team of old printer paper and says these contracts can’t be done in time! The contracts! I was honestly surprised they didn’t just bring in a third person and have a three way man orgy this is going so poorly.

Back at the house, 5 or 6 women in their 30s I imagine show up in their skin tight jordache jeans and feathered hairs and start talking about things and the sound quality is so poor and the video is so bad it looks like melting plastic or something and then the guy comes home and then there’s this disabled Vietnam vet gardner guy and then there’s this gloved hand making hand movements and people die like when the girl had a nightmare and died or when the other guy is sitting there next to some random gun that swivels around and shoots him or the blurry blob of fingerprint smushed lens monster that scares people or when the lady goes to the beach and dies or any of the horribly stupid shit that happens in this that wouldn’t have been remotely scary if entertaining in 1982 because even the old Tom Baker Doctor Whos were a million times better than this terrible shitty bag of shitty.

There’s one part where this one lady goes to seduce the guy and he’s taking a bath and reading a book about telekinesis and she’s all what’s that mean and he’s all it’s moving things with your mind and everyone can do it just watch and he really kind of closes his eyes like he’s nutting in the bath water for multiple seconds and spasm-ing a little and they show a bar of soap moving around in the bath water like some sort of toy boat and it was the stupidest thing I’ve ever seen. Really.

Then there’s this part where the lady who was up there in the tub in the last paragraph opens the fridge to get some food and someone with some telekinetic powers in the next room starts wommm wommm wommm-ing their brains I guess and food starts flying out of the fridge and you can literally see someone’s hand throwing the food at her. For real.

And it’s all sort of shit like that over and over there is no good to come of this and then the big finale is we see who the person is whose been wommm wommm wommm-ing and it’s this Swedish lady who lives in the basement or something that can’t speak English but is the daughter of whoever were the first people in the house that died and now she’s back from the insane asylum and she’s got the mind powers so it will take the guy with the banana hammock and his squeeze to battle against her in the ultimate war of mind zoommming to see who wins.

Who will this battle of good versus evil? Will anyone give one shit? Will this stupid fucking thing revert to voice over and typed up words on the screen before the end credits? Clickety click click the house was consumed by fire and everyone died clickety clickety click zim zom zoom clickety click.

My lord this was terrible and I think it would have been just as bad in 1982. There is no value here and I give it a vote if no confidence. If for some reason you need to treat yourself poorly and watch this thing there are many unattractive bare breasts in this accompanied by male buttocks and tightly clothed ball sacks. None of that is worth your time and you might find better looking fantasies on the labels of olive oil bottles. Why i was just looking at this label on this bottle of olive oil the other day and later i took a sudsy bath and started think about it again and my bar of soap started twirling around in the bath tube and I got so excited my eyes rolled back in their eye sockets and I

FILED UNDER: ZOM ZOM ZIP ZORP BUTCHIKA BUTCHIKA BUTCHIKA PEW PEW PEW ZIZZLE ZIZZLE