After I watched Witchboard last year for the first time in decades I went to my local ecclesiast and testified in front of powers spiritual and human that I would watch the sequel and the lights would shine down upon me after my Completion and questioned if perhaps I would be bestowed with Power and Imminence and four parcels of land and the ability to sleep through the night without worries and fears digging themselves through my subconscious brains every single night. Well, to anyone who might read this, I can tell you none of that happened AT ALL and when the credits started at the opening I thought “Amy Dolenz?? Hey I like her!” and then I looked her up on my phone to see what else I’d seen her in and the only other thing must have been Pumpkinhead 2 which was pretty iffy if i remember correctly so I was wrong about that too and then I wept for mercy and my cries went unheard and I was gifted with one of the poorer movies of 1993 IMO I’m sure of it because this one stunk it up I mean for realz I mean the first one wasn’t anything worthy of the divinity but it had its charms and moments but this one was notsogood and let’s see if I can get out of here with my Dignity.

I would like to say that I don’t want to seem like an asshole or anything but I found it strangely odd that when Dolenz smiles or even talks she shows almost all of the teeth in her mouth. Maybe that’s how everyone does it and I’ve never noticed but I noticed when I watched this so I would have seen it before with someone right? I feel like when I smile my lips pretty much stay closed I don’t even think I show my teeth too much when I’m talking but hey I don’t know. So good for her and her pretty teeth, yay!

To start this movie, a pretty blond girl with a full set of shiny white teeth parks her convertible in front of some sort of old brick building. She smiles a lot and seems full of beaming Hope and Promise. And Dignity. She’s meeting someone there to rent a loft. She’s an artist, you see, and a mild mannered accountant. The guy showing her around the potential loft living space is a disgusting sleaze ball who eyeballs her chest and butt and says things like “the view is great from here” and “call me anytime you ever need anything I mean any time you need anything because I’m always ready you catch my drift, sexy cakes?” So she rents the apartment any way and dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum just as she leaves to get her two ton easel out of her convertible dum dum dum dum dum dum bong bong bong bong —> a ouija board falls into view from a camera birds-eye shot in the closet. BAM! GAME ON, MOTHER GOOSE!

Look at those hand models – I don’t even think that’s the same person. And if that’s not the same person then two hand models sitting like that to capture that shot should we be pretty uncomfortable.

In what seems like seconds later in real time movie time, she’s carrying her easel in when she’s confronted by an irritating (and I mean truly irritating) hippy lady played by Saturday Night Live lady Laraine Newman. I don’t know if anyone else is old enough to remember her but I thought she was slightly funny in the TV show but here, and I guess they’re trying to recapture the magic of that annoying psychic from the first movie, but here she’s supposedly stuck in “Woodstock mode” and wears flowing robes and circular glasses and has flowers in her hair and she talks all far out man groovy and she’s the real owner of the building who is somehow married to the perverted landlord guy who watches Dolenz’ butt as she walks down the hall and whistles to himself and plays with what I can assume is his filthy unwashed greasy wiener calling it Jason of the Argonauts . “You’ll dig it here” she says petting her tiny dog “it’s the tops man” and shows her into her new room she’s already been in before. And just as soon as she’s in there in comes an asshole yelling and berating her for leaving him all alone like that. Lucky for her there’s another new character introduced at the exact same time, a male who kind of reminded me of a young Robert Downey Jr, doing lots of eyebrow acting and he gets in the asshole’s face to protect her Dignity and we learn the asshole is also a cop and whew now we can get things started already shit.

I really don’t remember why but the next thing she does is start using that Ouija board and meets some spirit from beyond the grave who seems benevolent but we all know better and before too long she’s having dreams of walking up a flight of stairs with with wind blowy curtains and wind blowy hair and a wind blowy nightgown and then the pervert landlord guy gets chased around by his tools down in his workshop literally his screwdrivers and saw blades and then he’s dead and his hippie wife is crying and sad and not groovy and toothy Any Dolenz is learning to stand up for herself goddammit and wear loose clothing and she’s having visions of necklaces and there’s something about a real estate property and then hippie lady is dead and we whittle our way to the big finale by god here we go oh my god oh my god!

*spoilers*

So if turns out the previous tenant of the artist loft teethy Dolenz moved in to was a model who liked to show her bosoms in her pictures. Naturally the person taking pictures of her bosoms was the guy from downstairs or down the hall who tried to protect Dolenz’ Dignity who also happens to be the brother of the Hippie Lady who was married to the butt ogling pervert landlord. As it turns out, the Hippie Lady killed the Bosom Model because Butt Ogler kept perversely hitting on her and Picture Taking Brother disposed of the body out in the woods on that real estate development I mentioned in what seems like months ago. Little did anyone know that the bosom model was into ouija and when she got bopped on the head and killed her necklace went flying off into the fireplace and she became bonded with Dolenz’ neck from beyond the grave. I think.

But the most important piece of this cinematic effort to fully realize is the part during the big showdown between man and spirit where Picture Taking Brother is confronting the spirit of Bosom Model who had taken over Teethy Dolenz’ body including her hair color and asks Picture Taking Brother to spare her ghost life because:

“Haven’t you ever wanted to fuck a ghost??”

I know I embellish often but that’s a true story. That’s the big payoff. John Carpenter would be proud. Shit even the amazing person who put together that unbelievable piece about Eary Hobte Muatine’s “Who is Touching My Thigh There is No One Else here” should be proud of his vision since that basically ended with some ghost sex. I wonder if he’ll ever win that prize for Best Amazing Speller and Punctuator and Writer and Handsomest Author that national publication puts out each year. I can’t remember the name of it but it’s real oh boy is it I’ll tell you what.

So does anyone have ghost sex in this? Does anyone find their necklace or now I wonder if it was an earring all along because I think it was now. Does anyone fondle their own genitals male or female and make whoopee shake it don’t break it foxy momma sit and spin on it make sex at either of the opposite sex during the filming of this picture? Does anyone take a spin on someone’s planchette if you get my meaning? Does anyone from the first movie return at the very end for cameos?

Maybe!

FILED UNDER: NOT GREAT BUT BETTER THAN THE FRIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS AND THAT TIME THAT PLANCHETTE FLEW OFF THE BOARD AND SPUN AROUND THE ROOM AND GOT STUCK IN YOUR BUTT