Have you ever been sitting around and minding your own business and then you just get yelled at for some reason and you don’t know why? Well that was the story of my life for about four decades and now things seem easier but I thought that concept was appropriate because: have you ever been sitting around minding your own business and the movie you’re watching that you’ve never heard of before is really really really good and you want to gatekeep it and protect it from outsiders and maybe cuddle it at night and keep it warm? Well, this wasn’t that although I was thinking it might be for a little bit. And I’m finding it hard to pinpoint when and where it lost my love and protection so I guess I’ll just have to talk about the entire thing so spoilers (I think) because I’m not positive what really happened there at the end but I’m sure I’ll run my lips for too long and talk about it anyway. Blah blah blah that’s what I do flap flap flap goes my mouth blah blah well let’s see any way.

This attractive female lives with her knocked up mom and a dad or step dad who peeps on her when she’s brushing her teeth in her underwear. The girl’s name is ADELE – remember this. So Adele’s mom needs money because food isn’t free so she sends her to live with her aunt DORA at some other house somewhere and be her caretaker because Dora is a shut in and momma needs money. Check.

When she gets to the old creepy ass house there’s Nice handwritten note that goes something like this (kind of): Dear Adele I am a shut in and won’t go outside and won’t look you in the face you piece of trash and don’t have any people over or I’ll yell and scream and don’t go in my basement and try on my clothes from the 1930s and don’t go in my attic you ungrateful little tramp and if you break something then screw you and your mom and whoever stuck that sperm in her and I only eat sardines and crackers and whatever you do don’t fuck this up and don’t go fall in love with some girl and romp around being in love. Oh and don’t go to the cemetery like some common grave digging thief you slut. And don’t mess with my fucking sardines.”

Or something close to that – you know how the mind remembers things sometimes

As it goes, one day Adele goes to the bar for a soda and notices an attractive female giving her goo goo eyes named BETH. Before too long they are in love and sleeping on the beach and romping around in cemeteries and trying on Dora’s old flapper clothes down in the basement and accidentally breaking a figurine and kissing each other on the lips and absolutely not buying Dora the correct heart medicine or sardines.

All if this takes a long time to develop and the movie is very slow but I keep thinking man this is gonna be good I just know it I can feel it this movie and I will be drinking beer and playing pool before too long and having inside jokes and maybe even secret hand codes.

And then Dora dies and some creepy imagery sifts in and then (I think) it turns out Adele has been the shut in the whole time (I think) and based on a picture in a bookshelf she was real good friends with Beth and at the end someone named Dorie comes to visit and give Adele sardines and heart medicine (I think).

I think that there’s a good script in there or maybe even a good short story or treatment that got lost on someone simple like me but here’s my first take on things:

A sweet, sweet lovely girl goes to stay with her recluse aunt to help her out and earn a living. While milling around in a new town, she meets someone, gets horny and falls in love. The two fuck around with her aunt’s cherished mementos and novelties and even switch her heart medicine to something cheaper so they can do whatever kids do. The aunt dies and our sweet sweet lovely girl is haunted by her guilt or shame and dies too. Or maybe it was just her making up stories in her head all along! Because she’s the recluse! Shit!

Or!

An old lady, her body and mind seemingly going to rot, sits in an upper story room in her family’s home, ruminating on the past; her lost loves, taking some Quaaludes and eating fresh sardines. A lesson of fleeting time, cautionary and austere that you too will soon know, remembering those days passed.

Is it? I never know and no one ever tells me nothing. You never call, you never write and remember I was an only child so I have real abandonment issues. Why are you here and not talking to me? Why did you leave by yourself when we could have left together? Why did you cheat on me with every guy on that side of town I was very loyal and I feel like I gave you good hearty robust se- oops wrong issue heh heh forget I said anything heh heh uh whoops. But back on track here why do you neglect my consistent feelings of loneliness guilt and shame?

FILED UNDER: QUAALUDES, GHOSTS, WHEELCHAIRS, KISSING ON THE LIPS AND MY SHAME