Imagine: you are sitting on your couch in front of a Christmas tree and TV and it is modern times and your daughter opens a present with a fully powered video camera in it and she starts filming your son open a present with a scarf in it and he models a little bit and the doorbell rings and your dad opens it and a man is standing there holding a fully wrapped Christmas present and he says his car broke down and his phone is dead so he just needs to sit there for a while and maybe use your landline you still have have and he sits in your easy chair and asks about your Christmas traditions and your daughter takes the rolling video camera to the bathroom to pee and when she comes out the man has a pistol and is making you tie up your wife and son’s hands with some wrapping paper ribbons at gunpoint and then takes the camera and makes your daughter wrap up her own hands and then says there’s going to be some new traditions in this household because he’s going to force you to watch some videotapes at gunpoint and you better like them or this’ll be your last Christmas. Can you imagine that? Well that’s the premise of this lump of shit and we stick in the first tape and away we go.

A woman and man couple are filming themselves selfie style for their podcast or vlog or YouTube channel I think it was the last one and they’re going to have fun this Christmas and visit some haunted places! YAY! WHEE! Their first stop is an old scarecrow they pose with and talk about how people used to use real people for their scarecrows and YAY WHEE the guy of the couple is a dick and not having any fun and he might have even stuck his hand down his pants and his finger through his zipper and waved his finger around like a peepee he’s having so little fun but boy is he a rascal. Whee look at my little scarecrow peepee dingle dongle peep peep. “I hope this scarecrow isn’t cursed” says the wife lady whose fun is being diminished by the second.

Soon they stop at Donner Pass and take some selfies there and then get lost in the snow and ice covered woods. “Where’s the stove?” Says the dick husband guy “boy you sure suck at packing!” he yells, acting up like a bitch. “God damn what a sucky packer! If only I’d married a better packer!”

Later that night, in the tent, all seems to be forgiven when they start horsing around a little until they hear a crackle outside and unzip the tent and sure enough someone is out there. “Oh my god I hope it’s not that cursed scarecrow we fiddled with back at the beginning of this tape!” The nice lady cries and then they take off running into the darkness and then the guy is somehow dead and the woman is hit by a stick or something but the camera stays on and shows that cursed scarecrow dragging her around a little bit before it rips off her arm and eats it.

I don’t know how the overall movie will end but thank goodness someone found that tape out in the the frozenness and mailed it to the guy with the Christmas box from the beginning of this post.

Speaking of him. As the videotape turns to static and your daughter is still filming for some inexplicable reason 30 minutes later he takes the videotape recording machine from your daughter, makes you kiss your wife and pops in another video tape. “This will show you how to really do Christmas!” he explains. “Oh yeah son this’ll show you!”

Our next piece of quality regards a man filling himself. “I’m going to mail myself to you kids” he giggles. “I don’t care how claustrophobic I am I’m going to seal myself in this wooden box package and someone’s going to nail it shut and I’m going to mail myself to you hee haw hee haw footy how!” And this dude knocks on his office door and he’s dressed in a Santa outfit and he sounds like an Australian Jack Palance and he says his name is Santa Claus and he’s the Mohawk guy from the road warrior and they hop in his pickup and go get Mrs Claus and they nail him in this wooden box and drive all over the place bumping him around and then they let him out and bop him over the head with something and I can say he might not have deserved it for doing something stupid like getting himself nailed into an airtight coffin and hoping someone didn’t just take him out into the desert and set the whole goddammed thing on fire or something but anyway he wakes up in someone’s garage that they call a ballet studio and they tell him he has to open three drawers of this cabinet looking thing they painted to be an advent calendar and he’s probably gonna die because he had Mohawk guy fired on Christmas a few years ago so they’ve been harvesting their festering hatred for several years and now he’s gonna pay for his crimes goddammit and one of the drawers is really a foot rub from Mrs Claus and the other cuts off an ear and the last one is some sort of small bomb that blows his head off sorry spoilers and then the end is when they drop off his body / wooden package at the front door anyway and it’s a doorbell camera so I guess whoever made this video tape had the moxie to splice together two mediums of film recording and then transfer it over to an old videotape before sending it to the guy in the sweater who’s holding this family hostage and making them kiss and eat cookies.

“Kiss and be romantic like you’re passionate!” he commands at gunpoint so the mom and dad kiss and then he sticks a new video cassette in the player. “This one’s called ‘untitled’” he says, his face full of Christmas joy and mirth.

In this next fairly stupid but very short segment a man is talking into a video recording device about who he’d like to meet and date and probably use parts of his body to enter hers with if you know what I mean and I bet you do. The tape then frizzle frazzles and it changes to some first person point of view out in some orchard or something and someone frizzle frazzles and says “scrzzz scrazz you have a chip implanted in your head and if you scrzz scrazz don’t deliver that box in ten minutes to scrizz scrazz your head will explode scrzz scrzz” oh and “you might see some scrrzzz people around you but scrazz they’re not real ignore them scrzzztch” so our guy gets up and runs through an orchard avoiding shadowy guys in suits and makes it to a hotel and tips a doorway Santa a 100$ bill (??) and no one answers the hotel door so he goes out in the parking lot and blows up wheeee!

This post seems to be getting long… apologies! In the last of these vignettes I suppose you could call them, a couple is terrorized and then killed by a possessed Santa Claus figurine thing. One of those thick glass jobs that spins around on a turntable as it makes cheerful Christmas noises. They move into a new house and on the first night she finds a box of Christmas decorations so she puts them up and before long everyone is dead. It didn’t really make any fucking sense whatsoever and the exorcist guy in the jumpsuit irritated me to death. Please see below.

To wind this thing up the guy with the box of videotapes from the beginning now has everyone tied up with wrapping and says goodbye or something and puts the demonic Santa thing on the table and leaves. As the family fails to struggle or even try to escape the Santa thing’s eyes glow and everything goes black. What fun this was #itwasnt

FILED UNDER CHRISTMAS DOO DOO