It’s that truly happy time of year again, where we experience some of life’s great treasures: Christmas themed horror, hams, olives, radishes, stockings and foibles. How fun! Especially the foibles! I mean —> foibles! Last year I found one that I really liked called You Better Watch Out but there was also Letters to Satan Claus so I guess that balances out the Laws of Fair Play and Justice. It’s always fun to break out our yearly wrapping paper so here is this year’s. It’s always appreciated if you print some up and wrap something in it – please take a picture and and send it so we can frame it and put it on our wall here.

It’s also always fun to recognize the person in China who finds my blog once or twice a week using the term “jizz towel” because of the Fatman post from a few years ago.

So let’s see what kind of movie gifts we get this season – I didn’t see any new Mother Krampus movies thank goodness (edit: I might actually have) so we’ll start off this one with All Through the House, a slasher about a deranged guy in a Santa outfit that goes around killing people and slices off at least two dongs, so if you’re in the mood to see a prosthetic weinee flopping around, you’re all set.

A long time ago in the early days of Twitter and WordPress on my old blog there was this actress who followed me and actually interacted with me a couple of times and that was real exciting and her name was/is Jessica Cameron. I noticed she was in this when the credits rolled around but couldn’t remember what she looked like and couldn’t be arsed to go look her up so about a third of the way in I was all “oh yeah her nice” and I was completely wrong and she’s actually in the opening as someone who takes a shower without showing anything and then gets killed by a masked guy in a Santa suit that just chopped off her boyfriend’s peep. To set your expectations on how such a thing could happen, Cameron was in the mood for post-shower love but the boyfriend’s penile wasn’t activating so he’s seen standing by the bed working it over when the assault happens. SCHINK!! go the garden shears and PLOP! goes the doodle and SCREAM!!! goes the boyfriend, his days of post-shower loving over forever. Sadly, both characters are killed off good and dead after that and we cut to our main set of Christmas experiencers.

As it goes, a woman needs to go help her crippled relative (aunt?) with something Christmassy because she’s really loyal to her because her mother died and she raised her and they love each other and they give kisses and awwwwww and we learn the crippled aunt guzzles rot gut vodka and the mom had some sort of secret and there’s a weird lady next door who LOVES CHRISTMAS and has Christmas shit EVERYWHERE IN EVERY ROOM and makes egg nog and needs the young lady’s help getting boxes out of the attic even though there is CHRISTMAS SHIT EVERYWHERE EVERY INCH so younger girl goes to get her friend who I thought was Jessica Cameron but I was wrong and they pick up another friend who I thought was kind of awesome and they meet a boy and go to crazy Christmas lady’s house to unpack more Christmas shit and look at all of her Santa Claus mannequins EVERYWHERE and wonder how shithouse crazy this person really is after all. Among this is some implied subtext about crazy shithouse lady being either abandoned or abused as a child by men in Santa costumes resulting in adult psychosis which could have been decent writing stuck in a mediocre slasher but I think they might have just gotten lucky. Elsewhere, a woman takes a shower and shows off her big fake boobs and she wants post shower love too but her lover this time around is another woman and they both end up dead quickly.

Back at crazy shithouse lady’s house, pretty young niece lady discovers something like this: her dad had an affair with crazy shithouse lady and they had a son who wanted to be a daughter so pretty niece’s best friend was a girl but actually a boy and I think the crazy shithouse lady killed pretty niece’s mom and then the dad killed himself and the boy / girl went off to the insane asylum. She learns this from a hidden letter I think and then the nice boy they met in the street earlier corroborates all of this on an old flip phone. Elsewhere, the crippled aunt gets pushed off of some sort of giant hill in her wheelchair in the movie’s truly funniest moment. Fuck yoooooooooouuuuuuuuu!!!! She screams as she goes zipping through the air like she’s shit from a cannon. Shit or shot, either way.

Back at the house with ALL OF THE CHRISTMAS DECORATIONS EVER EVERYWHERE our girls drink roofied egg nog! One of em winds up in a dog cage! One of em winds up dead! One of em gets cut in half and her guts spill out and form the words ‘Santa hates me’. What’s going on? Who is who? Is the girl a boy? Who is the mom? Who is the daddy? Are we going to make it through this post without my lame attempt at a Christmas song?

Well I guess it’s time for our annual Christmas Carol. What can we come up with this year? Last year I was thinking something folksy with a pleasant sounding younger girl singing a ballad to her boyfriend before she revenge eats him. How about this year we go something more family traditional – something mother and father and brother and sister can sing going down the highway to grandparents house? Let’s see here…

Off we go
Into the snow
The presents are wrapped and
Our hearts are aglow

Through the towns
And o’er the hills
Nightfall is coming
Our skins have the chills

‘Cause this is the night
That Santa comes
And calls forth the gods
Called The Ancient Ones

(12 bell bridge with Children’s chorus)
DING DONG DING DONG
tonight they feast
tonight they feast
DING DONG DING DONG
tonight they feast
tonight they feast
DING DONG DING DONG
tonight they feast
tonight they feast

They’ve waited all year
For The Sacrifice
The Naughty devoured
But spared are the Nice

DING DONG DING DONG
DING DONG DING DONG
DING DONG DING DONG

Will they be skewered
Or broiled and shaved?
It’s not up to us
Cause the Nice are saved

So be good all year
In all you do
So you don’t end up
In the Naughty Book too!

DING DONG DING DONG
DING DONG DING DONG
DING DONG DING DONG

Wasn’t that nice? How sweet. One day we should make a record.

So let’s wrap this up before you fall asleep on your bus ride to work and miss your stop. I would hate for to end up to the other side of town and late. I don’t want you to get dinged for tardiness. In short: All Through the House is a decent enough slasher with some good practical effects but it won’t be anyone’s favorite movie. Probably better than the one where they were going to eat a guy named John Brisket (I think that’s right) but nowhere near as fun as Fatman.

Happy Sacrifice Day!

#jizztowel !

FILED UNDER: FLOPPY DONGS AND SHIT FROM A CANNON