I don’t really know how to intro this other than here’s another one of those sorority/pledges/hazing/pranks/haunted house/you win if you make it through the night 80s movies. It’s not like I have some deep love for the genre but they’re usually fun enough to kill some time. Maybe. This one looked pretty stupid from the beginning but I had already committed and I’m a man of my word so I finished this thing and while it’s probably on the lower end of the good side of these types of movies it’s not so bad, really but it’s not like it will give you an inner sense of wisdom and power either. It’s kind of, hmmm… quaint! I’m not really an analogy guy – I’m more of the babbling run on sentence guy – but it was nice kind of like maybe you – and this isn’t just from my male perspective – but maybe like that first or second time you made it with someone and you weren’t sure what to do with your hands but you knew you had to do something with them for Pete’s sake so you fumbled around and squeezed things or maybe grabbed things too hard like some sort of pro wrestler and it hurt the other person or maybe not but in the end you got the job done one way or another and everyone probably came away happy if not messy and covered with some sort of slime. Maybe? Does that make sense? Have I ever told you about the time I made it in the car with that Scottish exchange student? My god she was strong. Anyway – yeah so not that great but there’s a little fun here and there and you probably won’t be covered in body fluids when you’re done so you might not need a shower. Maybe you will I don’t know for sure how you like to intake your movies but I’m thinking no bath needed. I think. I don’t go around watching you watch things. Ahem let’s carry on.

In the opening a young boy wants to (I think) play doctor or some sort of hanky panky with a girl seemingly his age. “Go away you creepy pervert!” She screams over and over. “But I’ll give you cookies!” He pleads before he does run off to more screams of pervert pervert and goes home to his massive house that’s populated by whores in skimpy outfits. “Hi big boy” coos one of them walking by and showcasing her business properties. Behind her, other barely dressed women sit around being barely dressed. Upstairs, an older woman is getting it on with an older man and, naturally the two barrels of a shotgun sneak into the frame and someone blows them both to kingdom come. “Ain’t this the shits,” the old whore mutters with her last breaths. To note: this was a poor exercise in gun and / or blood and / or murder and / or a brothel bedroom and / or Aristotalian eros so I didn’t have high hopes for this sucker and immediately considered shaving all of the hair off of my body and burying it in the woods.

In our second opening, the camera pans across some comely ladies in some sort of Romanesque costumes as someone else goes on about history and servitude and joining something or other and Aristotle’s philosophies of the three types of love, focusing on philial really more than eros, before forcing them to drink some sort of blood out of a goblet in some sort of (I guess) sacrament before they go spend the night in some old house and if they make it through the night they make it into the sorority; eros forbidden. What I note about this scene is that either the slow pan across our actors’ faces is really really taking a long time OR they’re just not very interested in anything that’s going on OR this is the latest take in a lengthy day of reshooting the same thing over and over because maybe someone had the farts and everyone was giggling like monsters OR no one gave a shit EXCEPT for this one lady actress who I quite liked and she seemed like she was having fun the entire time. Her characters name was Bonnie and she can’t find her glasses because they’re on her head and I think she was the only one who didn’t take her top off.

The next scene is curious as our ladies sit around in some sort of crowded bar, drinking cokes and eating candy bars. “Boy I’d like to get laid up” someone says and another rolls her eyes (which all of them do often). “YOU’D LIKE TO GET LAID?? Who wouldn’t?? (What’s her face) Katz lays everyone in campus!” And with that she indicates that head of the sacrament party lady who’s really out there cutting a rug on the dance floor. “Like totally” says someone rolling their eyes. Oh! I remember I made a mental note to include in this piece that someone guy does indeed say to another guy “eat my shorts” so there’s that. Naturally, the guys are pranksters and jocks and set the house up with skulls on strings and a coffin (etc etc) (blah blah) and then the ladies take a blindfolded van ride to the abandoned brothel aka murder house aka haunted old house aka the place where the unresolved spirits of dead half nude women remain forever.

Just like anyone else would, the minute they get there one of the blood sisters starts up with: “So like what’s the deal with like this house will there be any boys like I haven’t uh you know been with a guy in three weeks and it’s like all well you know like hey where’s the bedrooms I might want to like get into my nightie and maybe like some boys will come over and like I just love strong boys the bigger the better you know like those baseball players oh man they’re like well you know so where’s the wine I’d love to get high and see some boys and what do you like think of my dress do you think Russ will go for it I mean like really (twirls) I’d love for him to put that baseball bat hee hee you know like not a real bat (curtsies) I guess I’ll go check out like the rooms upstairs and fluff up the mattress and like the pillows and when Russ wants to go from second to like third he’ll well you know (gyrates herself teasingly) I mean I’ve been like waiting for three days don’t you know come on already (sticks rear end in air, fans it) how long does a girl like have to wait (rolls around on the carpet) I’m just a girl you know come on like (takes off her garters and flings them at her college sisters) I mean where’s Rusty and his base balls I mean come on (starts a fire in the decrepit old fireplace while removing dress) how long had it been three like hours already jeesus baby come on im not getting any younger like wow who’s your baby baby (rolls around on bear skin rug) come on oh baby where are you like come on it’s been three minutes oh Rusty where are you mommy’s horny (passes out in delirium)”

So what else happens? Well… all but each of our ladies in pledge start seeing superimposed visions of women in lingerie walking in a hallway. It’s true! It’s terrifying! A couple of them even see visions of these same women either 1) kissing another woman or 2) getting fondled by a dude or 3) getting shot by some unknown assassin off screen. In all instances it is very soft on the excitement scale so I’m not really sure what the point was other than maybe “our movie pretty much sucks does anyone want to show a boob?” type of thing and they still missed the mark. Maybe when the producer asked his cast who would show a boob they all yelled “eat my shorts!” and things never really got better from there.

But!

If there’s two things that I actually enjoyed about this thing – one of them is when all of the (remaining) blood sisters are trying to make a break for it and head to the van to screech off and someone says ‘we can’t just leave them behind!!” and one of the others gets behind the wheel and screams “Yes we can and I’ll show you how!” but too bad! The keys are missing!! “I don’t know where they could be!!” screams the lady that does it with everyone on campus. “Oh wait!!” She bends over – to let out gas?? We don’t know but the scene continues. Later her head pops back into view! Her hand! She has the keys! “I keep them in my shoe!” She declares in triumph! “Yay we’re saved!!” someone yells but the van won’t start. An enterprising blood sister checks under the van hood and sadly all of the spark plug wires are missing. Cry cry cry.

The other consists of something that I don’t think was scripted and they just kept. One of our sisters is a cross country runner so she decides to run for help. Instead of going to the highway with her bright colored vest she decides to run through the woods. You can picture the setting: someone standing 100 feet away with a powered light shining into the dark trees. Our lady comes out running, scared face on – her motivation is to save her sisters or at least her own hide. Behind her, out of focus, something stumbles in the twigs and brambles. It’s obviously our villain character in his woman’s nightgown and wig but it looks like he’s wearing a sheet like some ghost. I couldn’t tell if he’s falling down or just caught in the growth but it was pretty comical – and it looks like they try it a few times and just kept all of the footage in there. Classic.

I’m trying to think of anything else but I don’t think there’s much. The ending is one of those stupid scenes where the engine that was ripped apart and blood was everywhere and everything is clean and put back together by the time the cops get there is dumb but OH SHIT the killer is really in the van SHIT STUPID COPS types of unimpressive things and someone really did say eat my shorts like that was something serious to say so that’s what you might be getting in to. I doubt you need to though..

FILED UNDER: SWEATER REMOVAL VISIONS AND GHOST GARTER BELTS AND I GUESS THAT DEMENTED PERV LIVED AS A WOMAN ALONE IN THAT ABANDONED HOUSE FOR DECADES WITH NO FOOD AND WHY WAS THAT ONE GUY ALWAYS LITERALLY PICKING PEOPLE UP OFF THE GROUND

Also – I’ve put WAY too much time into this: