Do you know what this is about? Surely by now, right? Yes? Si senor? It’s vampires. Racism, oppression, illegal booze, gangsters, poor life in the Delta and then BAM vampires. That’s no spoiler – about halfway through it turns into a vampire movie a lot like From Dusk til Dawn. Bloobity bloobity bloobity and then vampires! Ok we’re all caught up!

I think I will have posted something about vampire movies by now – I take so long to finish things and I change my mind all the time but thinkity thinkity thinkity it’s Salem’s Lot and I don’t particularly care for vampire things meaning I don’t go looking for them or anything because and maybe I’m being naive but I would probably be just ‘no thanks’ and shut the door for good and just eat what I have for as long as possible but maybe it’s harder than that. I think even eternal life wouldn’t be a big draw because of what I believe that we’re all electricity and we go in infinite circles and we all polarize together forever and once this particular life is over we’ll all be together again just maybe not looking like these humans we look like so I don’t think I’d go for that either unless maybe things would finally quit changing my typing for ‘for’ to ‘gif’ every time I typed something but even then – shrugs. So anyway – we have a vampire movie here set around how music transcends time and then a big vampire fight and honestly I really liked it but – and this is just me – but I thought two Michael Jordans was one too many but oh well. I was thinking earlier if that would come across weird but I can’t think of any movie where the actor plays two roles that I liked. Maybe Adaptation. I remember I liked James Franco until that tv show he did where he was two James Francos and that was really two too many. I know he’s a bad topic but I kind of liked Ezra Miller twice in The Flash but I still like superhero movies except for The Eternals and Ant Man 3 which was complete shit. I mean it drives me crazy when people are all “I have super hero movie fatigue” well then “don’t watch them” but back to Ant Man who in the fresh hell signed off on that MODOK? *strained ugly face. But now I have to go change the cat litter so let’s revisit this real soon.

All right. I was thinking I remember Paul Rudd did a show on Netflix where he was two of himself and I remember liking that but that was also back when I liked Paul Rudd and now I have Paul Rudd Fatigue. And Joaquin Phoenix Fatigue. And Wes Anderson Fatigue. And Robert De Niro Fatigue and the guy that did Hereditary Fatigue and I’ve come to hate both Jimmys on late night talk shows so I don’t watch any of those things I once liked because I don’t want to do myself any harm. But we should move on to whatever movie came knocking on my door and invited itself in for today.

In this thing Jordan plays two people who came from the Deep South and went to the military and went to Chicago and stole some shit and came back and start up a music and dance club. They recruit Delroy Lindo whose name my autocorrect HATES and a youth who plays a mean guitar. I’m paraphrasing but the guitar and music are said to transcend time and there’s this brilliant part when they do all of that time transcendence stuff and I’m taking this lightly because that’s how I roll but it’s really cool but still just maybe a little too much Jordan.

Elsewhere, some Native folks chase a burned up Irish guy to a house where he gets invited in. Guess what’s going on with that? Spoiler: Vampirus Celtus.

Back at the music shack,everyone dances and their weiners activate and someone gets stabbed and then some people with lighter skin come trying to get in the club and they aren’t allowed in despite playing some folk music and then someone goes to talk to them and in a cool one second sequence one of them kind of flies up and we know he’s going to bite her because we’re smart and then the big guy working the door goes and invites her in for sure cuz she’s boning one of the Jordans and she gets in and bites that same Jordan while they are making sweet sweet passionate sex on the dirty floor of the shack and now he’s fucked too in two ways I guess and no one will invite him in so all the vampires are outside and there’s a bunch of them and an Irish folk song plays and I thought that was a real fun scene and then it’s vampires vs people to the death for the rest of the movie.

I thought this movie was good and fun and music-y and was nice and squirty bloody and r rated so no pg13 shit and Delroy Lindo was great and the sets and camera movements and F/X all of that was 👍 so no real complaints except for too much Jordan but that’s just me and the very very last scene I don’t remember if it was in the mid credits or before but did we need that who knows shrugs.

FILED UNDER: A SHITPOT FULL OF BETTERNESS THAN SALEMS LOT THATS FOR SURE AND SOMEONE SHAT THEMSELVES AND NO “IT’S BATS”?? AND SHIT EATING VAMPIRES AND I’LL BE SEEING YOU IN HELL

PS – I’m working on an idea that I don’t know if I’ll get done in time for when I want it because I’m slow and lazy and need someone else but here’s a red band teaser: