I don’t really like vampire movies so this isn’t a genre I’m super in to or really that knowledgeable about – I mean I get them and everything but they’ve just never been my favorites. Of course I loved let the right one in and midnight mass and it seems like there was another one or two and I loved it back when I lived in that rental house with Grazz and Boing (not their real names) and that one chick would come over some weekends after her shift at hooters was over and we’d all party and then sometimes she’d sneak into my room and bite my neck and suck on my blood that was always kind of fun but huh I can’t even remember her name. Back in those days we were all pretty drunk all the time so honestly I don’t remember how she would get in there I just remember I would feel like I had to pee and wake up and there she was mouth open on my neck making squishy sucky noises. It wasn’t too bad really. It was almost kind of sweet honestly. I wish I could remember her name. Not that I want to call her or anything but my memory is pretty good and I don’t like having that blank spot, Monica maybe?

When I was a young teen I read a lot of King’s shit like The Stand and Pet Semetary and The Talisman and his short stories collections but I never read Salems Lot and I also don’t really remember why but I also never saw the original movie because it didn’t look too interesting. I think there might have been a tv show that I also didn’t watch for no particular reason but my point of all of that is that I really had no expectations going into this movie and I wasn’t too impressed really with anything and me thinking about that story about the girl biting me and sucking on my neck is more interesting. And honestly I wasn’t really enjoying it or hating it or anything but there’s this part where Bill Camp – and I think Bill Camp is great – but this part where he’s been attacked and runs out of the house and drives down the street to find the book writer whose been in town for a couple of weeks and when he comes downstairs with his squeeze the first thing out of his mouth to this stranger is “errrrr mer grrrrrrrd do you have a cross or a saint Christopher’s medallion?” in his very Bill Camp-ish way. And I don’t think things got any better and I really do like Camp and Lewis Pullman and Billy Sadler for that matter but almost zero of this whole thing did anything for me. I suppose there was tis one part i liked where they’re in the morgue looking for a copse and it’s gone. It reminded me of that scene in Night of the Creeps when something similar happens and Tom Atkins is all “What? Did it have a date??”

Well I just re-read what I wrote earlier and I put a lot of words that end in Y up there so let’s try and go the rest of this piece without using the letter Y, shall we? So I guess this vampyre SHIT! Well there goes that. So this vampire and his buddy move in to some small town in Maine of course and it seems to be set in a time when there are no cell phones and no computes and nothing digital which is actually really fine by me. I’d love to go with just electric for lights and a radio or maybe a record player and a fridge for one day or a week and be a lesson for people on how to survive but I doubt that’s going to happen. Do you know what sounds like a really perfect day off? To go out to some field where there aren’t many cars or buildings and shit and just lay out in the sun, maybe with an umbrella and smoke a joint and have a cooler of beer and snacks and listen to some Pink Floyd or Alan Parsons for a few hours. But I’ve never smoked pot so I don’t know if that’s real or not but imaginary-ly maybe that sounds really great to get away and disconnect. I mean I may have done stuff like that back right after high school in my first years of college when I didn’t have to make money too much because I didn’t have a rent or mortgage and taxes and a car payment and I could just take a day off and find some field north of town and drive my truck out in there behind the tree line and hope no one noticed and get away from that shit work I did have to do at that restaurant and whatever else was going on at the time that now is probably super trivial since work consumes my whole week and all of my money is gone quick but I have a nice house and finally bought a nice new jeep a couple of years ago and I can afford to eat lunch and dinner and pay my bills and buy gas but wouldn’t it be nice to go get some sun and just relax. I mean wouldn’t it?

Where was I? So this writer guy and this vampyre guy and his buddy move in to town and suddenly people are dead and luckily the writer and the priest figure out it’s a blood sucking vampire sent from the lord of hell or Romania or Transylvania or wherever to bite you and suck you until you become one of them thanks for coming out have a good night it’s been nice drinking your blood thx.

Speaking of unpleasantness… the double apostrophe in the title of this movie is really giving me the shits. I know I don’t use punctuation that well and that’s usually by choice and the only reason they make their terrible creeping way into my nonsense is usually because of spellcheck and I think almost always for contractions but my war against commas will never stop. But back to the point these double apostrophes reminds me of that time in 1998 remember when we started the Freedom Against Apostrophes Relief Team? I know it turned out to be an unfortunate acronym but boy did we try to shake that establishment flagpole! Remember that fall when we did that rally in Cedar Rapids at that Howard Johnson’s and you had had too much Ouzo to drink and you started throwing pamphlets and buttons at the audience when they were all “ ‘! “ and “ ‘’! “ and you got off the stage and took that one dude by the arm and twisted it behind his back and you were all “NOT HERE NOT NOW YOU ‘! “ and everything started to turn ugly and the crowd was getting loud and gurgly and I came down there to pull you off of that guy and your skirt ripped and you fell over and I know it’s ungentlemanly but there you were ass up and your underwear had “ ‘ 4 EVA “ stitched into it and somehow that got on the overhead screen and the crowd went nuts and I’d never been so betrayed and stricken that I mean I just couldn’t believe my own eyes and my heart my god it hurt and then the crowd lifted you up in the air and carried you out into the streets like some sort of modern day prophet and I was left there broken and crying and the FAART was officially over. Do you remember that day? I do and even though it’s been so long it still hurts I just wanted you to know that.

*sigh* the old dreams. But! So this vampire is turning people into vampires and it’s up to the book writer and a kid to save everyone’s asses. Or wait everyone’s dead because the vampire turned them into more vampires so what was going on again? Uhhhh. I think they were staying around to kill the vampires because the one boy made a promise to help a little boy that turned into a vampire so the adult writer and the one boy go find all of the vampires at the drive in asleep in their car trunks or boots if you call them that and it was kind of cool when they were all curled up in the trunks of the car but that was really about it honestly in my opinion.

I guess considering the things that I watch and talk about out here this feature had some money behind it and that was nice. They also seem to finally be getting “glowy night eyes” right these days. What else? I liked the one line where someone said something like “we can’t get out of the car because there are vampires on (the roof of someone’s house)” and I liked the old cars but otherwise I thought this was a fud and by that I mean dud but my typing is shit sometimes.

So in conclusion:

Not very good

No more FAART

I used the word fud

Heart broken by ‘ 4 EVA

Don’t say “errrrr mer grrrrrd” any more

Always carry a St Christopher medallion especially if you move into an old boarding house somewhere just in case because you never know when the town school teacher will need you to help solve a vampire problem

FILED UNDER:LAAAAAAAME AND THERE’S VAMPIRES ON THAT GUY’S ROOF AND THAT’S ONE DEDICATED TEENAGE BOY