*my latest assignment at work involves me sitting in a room with four other dudes all day analyzing documents blah blah blah. The other day one of them name redacted was talking about his son and this word ‘skibidi’ came up. I was told that none of us were probably skibidi and we never would be. Much like this movie I suppose**

**I tried using this in a sentence to some of my other work friends who also happen to be older and this friend of mine who I like but she corrects me all the time about everything says i don’t want to be skibidi because skibidi means “sucky as in you suck” and I said no it means cool like ‘the tits’ and she argued with me about it so I actually looked it up while we all walked to the cafe and i guess it can mean both but Ed and I just decided to not use that word at all but now I’m too invested to rewrite a lot of this post so basically this movie totally sucks and is absolutely not the tits whatsoever.

In Sister Tempest a woman is interrogated by people dressed up in things like spray painted colanders, glass orbs, nylon onesies, foam antennae, making bleep blorp sound effects because they are all aliens and they want to know if she can be judged good enough to be translated. In fact and boy did our research assistants have to dig deep on this blog to find this but here’s a picture of the author here circa sheez maybe 2011 or so at a New Years Eve party over at Chris’ old house back when he was married.

In fact, let’s go even a little into the future of my past timeline and see this picture of Chris and I at a different New Years Eve sometime after that one above.

Aside from showcasing one of my favorite shirts and the old New Years Eve helmet, I thought these might help set the tone for the characters we see in this movie. Bleep bleep blorp boop boop whiz. so now that we’ve got that out of the way i’ll just go ahead and say this unfortunate part: i really fucking hated this movie. And maybe it hates me too – sometimes you just meet people or things you don’t like, right? maybe it’s a shared hatred of each other that brought us together over this terrible thing. Maybe I just didn’t get it. Maybe I didn’t see the vision here. Maybe it just wasn’t for me the way things were just pieced together and didn’t make any sense for any reason that I could get because maybe I’m not indie enough or maybe I just didn’t appreciate the guy with the eyepatch and the skeleton hand. Maybe there was really something to it when the girl ate the dog or the random guy wearing a shower curtain when she’s dreaming of being beheaded by some sort of medieval group of people in someone’s back yard and i think her mom takes her head and sticks it on a mannequin. And then throws it out in the ocean but then she wakes up and was just having a daydream in front of her art students one of which has a huge neck brace. Maybe I just didn’t look deep enough in there to see what it was all about but I guess if there was anything at all I liked about this thing it was the song over the end credits which I made a mental note of and now I’ve forgotten.

I don’t even know if I have it in me to try and dissect this thing. I thought the coloring was obnoxious and the music was irritating and the editing was choppy and distracting and even the line delivery worked my nerves with everyone really enunciating their last Ts and Gs to the tube of “You mustn’T be goinG to daTe that boy he is goinG to ruin your lips with kissinG and looK here I’ve boughT a loaf of meaT woulD you enJoy this producT?” Or something similar I know they said “loaf of meat” once or twice and it bothered me. I see this was made down in New Orleans and because I’m a good and thorough correspondent I checked with my friend name redacted whose family s from “Nawlins” and he’s never heard anyone call anything a loaf of meat. I guess there’s always meatloaf which is a dish I’ve never liked ever. Now that I think about it I guess there is a thing at my deli called an “olive loaf” which I think is some sort of baloney with olives mixed in it. I don’t ever get any because baloney leaves this weird taste in my mouth like wax or something but I really don’t think they were talking about olive loaf or even meat loaf and there was something I was saving until the end of this piece but I think this whole thing has something to do with the Romans persecuting the Jews so maybe they were tapping into some of that old timey butcher shop lingo. Maybe I don’t know. “Hey Flavius can I get a loaf of meat to take home today?” “Sure it is salted to last just don’t give any to a Hebrew.” “Of course not this meat is only for my Roman family. Hey why is this so much today??” “Well our bovines have been stricken with some sort of ailment so producing these loaves of clean meat is more difficult these days plus there is new tax on loaves to fund the building of the Great Wall.” “Hadrian’s?” “Yes that’s the one, glory be.” “Glory be.” Or something maybe. I’m sure that’s how it went. I’m sure of it.

So this woman is approached by aliens in spacesuits and sunglasses and they stick this thing on her head and they ask her to explain her life (I think). Her parents died young and she was forced to take care of her sister and she couldn’t even afford loaves of meat and the sister dated some guy that gave her an eyeball and got his head blown off and the sister went missing so the older sister took in this art school student as her new sister (I guess) and the new girl starts eating raw meat and dogs and they have this big fight where they’re in leotards and using zap zap pew pew laser sound effects and then the one sister turns out she killed the other sister so she goes to redeem herself in a bathtub full of blood and when she emerges she’s a man now and he’s Jesus. Got all that?

Beside all of that are hideous scenes in red and blue color and bop bop bee bop jazz drums and people costumed in things for reasons I couldn’t understand and flashbacks of things we’ve already seen and suddenly someone is a cheerleader who kills some guys and then this dud has an old skeleton hand for a hand and an astronaut is stomping on toy fire trucks and someone is French and there’s a floating head of a young lady who I think might be God and mannequins and plastic sheets and someone eats a drawing and criminy I hated this and I don’t want to be a writer who uses analogy too much but I hated this like that one time when I used to smoke and i was at work and I came in from outside smoking and when I got to my office something hurt on my chest and then it kept hurting and burning and stinging and I lifted up my shirt and some baby wasp had flown in my shirt and was stinging me over and over across my chest and I hated it so much and that’s kind of how I feel about this stupid movie except I’m not going to smash it with a notebook before it does more damage. If I made lists this would make the Suck List.

FILED UNDER: I HATED THIS MOVIE SO MUCH I WOULD KICK IT IN ITS NUTS IF I MET IT SOMEWHERE