*apologies in advance

In classic 1950s renegade movie making, Heart Eyes tells the tragic yet horrifying story of a man born with his beating heart on the outside! A living, pulsing ball of muscle that controls his every move — and his emotions! As disgusting as this looks and sounds this is truly a story of one man’s desire just to live and be loved despite appearances and established culture, destroying stereotypes and misgivings: love in its purest form! Transcendence!

We take up in media res where Dicky Weinerbaum sits in a nicely furnitured and upholstered living room, he has just unfastened the buttons on his shirt whereas his heart can see the room fully, admiring the lampshades and floral arrangements, the year is unknown but the hi-fi on the bookcase and the leather bound first edition of poems titled “Ode to the Cock: Why We Love Roosters” suggests the 1970s. “Isn’t it nice in here?” Dicky asks his heart, longing for something to fill the void in his life. “Couldn’t we just settle here and make a nice life? Wouldn’t that be the tops?”

His heart does not reply since it only has eyes but no mouth. It tries to blink but has no eyelids. It can only control the blood flow so it adds a little extra to Weinerbaum’s groin area in anticipation of what may be to come. Off screen something whistles! Is it a teapot? A bird? One of those extraordinary people who can stick two fingers in their mouth and make a piercing noise?? A swinging door opens! From the kitchen walks a lady carrying a tray and on the tray are a teapot and some cups. As she looks at the tray she thinks of marriage and a family and leaves in the fall and snowmen and then wonders if her oldest son will enlist and die in a war and who will take care of her after her husband passes from years of heroin abuse and says “I thought we could have a nice aperitif. Di- JESUS CHRIST!!!” she screams, noticing the heart, its eyes leering at her lewdly. “JESUS CHRIST!! WHAT IS THAT FUCKING THING OH MY GOD!!!”

“Well look honey,” Dicky starts to explain.

“DONT HONEY ME MOTHER FUCKER!” She screams, tearing the plug from the outlet and lifting the hi-fi over her head. “I’M GONNA KILL THAT GODDAMMED FUCKING THING RIGHT NOW OH MY GOD!! CHRIST!!!”

“No wait honey!” He cries and lunges away, grabbing the fireplace poker in self defense. “Now honey stop swearing like that honey honey!” He pleads, his heart eyes scowling. “Let’s talk this thing out.”

“TALK MY COCKSUCKING ASS!!!” She hurls the stereo like some sort of Greek Olympian and it smashes into a billion pieces on the fireplace stones. “OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD HAVE MERCY!!!!” and advances across the room in terrified panic.

He lifts the fireplace poker in defense and she plunges forward into it, the iron running through her rib cage and pushing her own beating heart out through the back. As the two stay there frozen in some sort of grotesque mockery of the Ecstasy of St Theresa, Dicky’s heart eyes roll back inside of their muscly housings and the viewer recognizes that this is the catalyst to a five decade span of serial killings.

We pick back up in 2025 where a young couple get murdered in some winery or wine farm or whatever they’re called in Seattle. The chase is fun and one of the kills is nice and gory and the press reports this the work of the HEK or Heart Eyes Killer who has been murdering young couples in love for a number of years. The killer wears a mask that has hearts for eye slits and has nothing at all to do with the jibber jabber I wrote at the top of this post lucky for movie viewers and blog readers all over the place. Coincidentally a young lady works at the local jewelry company and her ad campaign about dying for love doesn’t fit in with the new HEK killings. Coincidentally one of those guys with straight white teeth and muscular torsos is the new Ad Campaign Fixer Guy so they’re likely to fall in love on their first date and get targeted by the heart eyes killer who will literally stop at nothing to murder these young lovers.

Now there’s nothing super new about this brute on the loose killer movie but it is fun. And I don’t mean fun like going on that Ferris wheel in Seattle but there’s some fun dialogue and situational comedy but not sitcom style like Three’s Company or something. I thought it was funny when they’re in Bad Ad Campaign Girl’s bedroom and she’s trying to hide something from Ripped Torso Guy and she opens the closet and throws it in there and sees HEK and screams and the self pleasuring machine hits him and flops on the floor. I thought that was funny. Oh and the part where the “I can’t stand the sight of blood” bit comes back. Haha that seemed like something I would write.

But I guess when it all comes down to it this isn’t anything super spectacular but if you’ve been watching a bunch of old and grainy 70s and 80s movies or even shitty British things about scarecrows, this will probably seem like a miracle or something. I also thought it was fun to see Jordana Brewster in here.

But what ever became of Dicky Weinerbaum? It seems that after the gruesome homicide details of him seem to be scarce. We find that he pops up outside Des Moines in the late 80s working as a telephone lineman for the local CO-OP and disappears right around the time of a mass grave being discovered out in Cedar Rapids but nothing is linked to him.

Because we’re super detectives here at Eric Undead, we also find him in, where is this, Guymon, Oklahoma at the turn of the century. The name credited to the man imprisoned for hocking useless Y2K compliant PCs to meth addicts and prairie dogs is listed as Bucky Wentwhistle in the local paper but the telling sign that this is our man is a report from the local beat guy:

“Yesterday at the sentencing, Mister Wentwhistle showed serious signs of discomfort, y’all. The one survivor we interviewed later thought it might been ‘Abner’s Heartburn’ but also recognized that since the old boy had been enclosed he probably ain’t had the ability to eat any o Mrs Mitchell’s hot ‘uns. Anyhow, he say Mister Wentwhistle was really grumbling and sweating and fidgeting around like a pig in waller when up and suddenly he went and ripped open his government issues and there my lord was some sort of monster on his chest. He say it went straight after young Becky Jones the new court clerk and that mystical divide between her breasts and tried, lord forgive me my colon is seizing up, to mate her. Like a Frenchman! Right there in the courtroom! The depravity! The survivor is unsure what happened next but according to videotape taken by our cameraman, it looks like it was a bloodbath in there. Y’all.”

We found some blurbs and gifs out in the web referring to a Ducky Killweiner or a Picky Dicky and of course your obvious adult themed videos about Dicky Dongs Debutantes (1-5 [Dallas, Decatur, D.C., Destin and Dubai respectively]) but nothing ever conclusive to his current whereabouts. I guess that leaves us dangling and we can only press on and dig deep and keep pushing. For answers.

FILED UNDER: ABNER’S HEARTBURN AND: