This is a cheap movie about a couple of testicles that toxic-waste-y mutate into life and kill people.

*pauses for dramatic effect

*looks around

*wonders what everyone is up to today. Is the weather nice out? Are people being joyful? Have butterflies landed on your shoulder(s)? What’s for lunch? A pork chop sandwich with a side of corn and chopped green chiles? How are those shoes you bought at that second hand store working out? Are they better since they were worn by someone else or did the previous owner leave them in a strange state since one foot was much bigger than the other? Have you ever met anyone with really large feet in proportion to a smaller body? Since I post these in the morning – how did you sleep last night? Were there any nightmares? The day I am writing this – last night I had a dream Bill Hader was my friend and I ran into him in some airport and we were hanging out. I don’t remember what we were talking about but he had long hair kind of like Spicolli in Fast Times at Ridgemont High. Isn’t that what it’s called? I never watched it but know all about it. Hey! Has the topic of our movie seeped in yet? Is the shock over? Let’s proceed!

A couple of dudes in hazmat suits throw a barrel labeled toxic waste in a river! A hairy man and his squeeze are going to the lake on a vacation! He’s a self proclaimed dick! At their campsite, even though he’s being an asshole, she decides to perform some oral sensations around his inner thigh region but is disgusted by his untrimmed genital area and demands he shave! Having forgotten his regular trimmin’ razor he comes up with a solution to use a handy straight razor on his scrotum to make things better for her pleasure! Unfortunately, back at the campsite, she senses the local lake dumbass kid guy whipping his hog in the bushes to the sight of a female in jean shorts and she screams, distracting him from his scrotum barbering and he cuts himself in the toxic waste water. Shortly after, everything below his hairy man nipples and above his knees starts to burn so bad that he cuts off his scrotum and it comes alive and starts chasing people through the woods and killing them in a variety of ways.

Now – this movie is called The Scrotum about a killer scrotum so when I went to IMDb to see if I recognized that lead from anywhere else (I didn’t) and see it has something like a 2 rating I’m wondering what everyone was thinking when they rented / streamed / bootlegged a movie called The Scrotum about a murdering scrotum. I mean we rarely get to see the actual scrotum if that’s what you’re looking for, mostly the scrotum is off screen and growling, the acting is what I expected in the scrotum movie and there were a couple of things I liked and I don’t regret watching this at all. It’s also not very long so it won’t bore you to death but I’m just talking about my experience is all because that’s what this place is all about. That and the end to commas.

We’ve established now that the scrotum is killing everyone geographically located around this lake and here is where, if you haven’t tuned out already, things get a little on the dodgy side. The scrotum disembowels someone! Why or how?? We don’t know but there are guts everywhere. The scrotum traps someone against a tree using some long and enormous snake like appendage. Huh what this thing just holds balls! The scrotum suffocates someone by wrapping some sort of flesh colored bloody type of skin around him! Whu? The main girl runs away and away and away and finds a house – surely it’s a safe place to maybe call the cops and get fuck out of this nightmare but no! Looking in the window she sees a dead woman in a chair, her guts everywhere. Huh? Yeah but. What. She hunts the scrotum to the barn! In Army of Darkness style she pulls a chainsaw off the wall to kill this murdering sack of balls once and for all! The next time we see her the chainsaw has become (what we call around here) a hedge trimmer. Wait. I don’t. She hedge trims the living shit out of the scrotum and gallons and gallons and gallons of blood erupt like a volcano all over her! Splash splash sploosh! But it’s only this little bitty tiny scro– wait. What.

Anyway! I don’t know how many people will have a favorite part of this movie but shortly after all of that comes my favorite part of this thing. She’s eliminated the scrotum and she’s resting in the back of a “police car” and she has a dream of what I can think of is a sex education class back in grade school (maybe?). The teacher explains what a penis is and behind that is the scrotum and inside the scrotum are two testicles. And in a fun bit of editing they keep replaying him saying the word “two” over and over and our lead wakes up and looks at the camera and says “oh shit!” because, in some fashion, I guess we’re really not too worried about the scrotum itself but what hid inside and the second one is still loose! And angry! And ready to hunt for sport!

“What is this thing??” Someone asks as they flee the lake and whatever is murdering everyone.

“I think it’s one of my boyfriend’s balls.” she concludes.

Will anyone be able to survive the horrible and relentless onslaught of ball number 2?? Will that gonad grow to be so big it fills an entire freezer?? Will someone scream “this was supposed to be a nice weekend and you ruined everything!!!” at a testicle? Will anyone piss their pants in fear? I don’t want to spoil anything for anyone but: you better believe it!

FILED UNDER: HEY ITS NOT THAT BAD BUT I DOUBT THIS WILL BE ANYONE’S FAVORITE MOVIE AND ALSO FILED UNDER BALLS AND GUTS AND JEAN SHORTS AND TWO! TWO! TWO!

P.S.(and no I didn’t make this poster up) (I would have probably written something like ‘deez two nuts’ or ‘here it comes again’ or ‘my balks my fucking balls!’ or something)