Hello!

*Queues cheap gongs and xylophone sounds because we can’t afford a harp

Today we are back and begin our newly-yearly event of cataloguing movies about nuns, whether the nuns are good or bad or whether the movies are shit or half fun. based on last year’s run I suspect they’ll probably be more of the shit category but hey who knows you never know what can happen around here huh huh right?

*queues cheap audio recording of audience applause, laughter and boos from an old low-res broadcast of Match Game ‘74

Ok let’s see what happens here we go dum ta dum ta dum toot toot

Do you think Sydney Sweeney is a good actress? Have you seen her in anything? I saw her in White Lotus and didn’t think there was anything remarkable going on there and then – from my point of view – she went on Saturday Night Live and uh hmmm run uhmmm had some freed up um well you know there and immediately she was super popular and I don’t think it was because of her acting and then there was this movie which I don’t think was just a coincidental release to fight The First Omen at the theaters but more to get people going to or renting this movie for any other things besides just her acting. So does she do good acting in this? I suppose so – there’s this lengthy part at the end where she really goes beyond just being the blond girl with a big chest bit so that was decently unexpected. Will all the teenage boys be slathered up and locking themselves in their bedrooms for periods of time after after seeing what she might otherwise bring up here – nope. No free my peoples in this one. The IMDb parent guide thing on this for nudity and sex is probably: NONE CRY CRY CRY WHY DID I RENT THIS??? WHY??

But overall I thought this was decent but I totally like First Omen better.

I going to bet good money that you don’t have to think longer than two seconds to figure out what this is about. I’m also not going to spoil it but since this is a horror movie you probably don’t have to think too long about what may or may not be going on regarding what may or may not be happening regarding that woman’s body and how people there in the convent or diocese or wherever I’m not super familiar with this things – how they feel about her. The reason I don’t think it’s a convent is I think one of the higher up priest guys lives there. Like it’s coed or something but I could be wrong of course that’s always possible.

I also notice, as a former smoker, that a lot of people smoke in this movie, those lucky bastards. Now I know smoking is bad and unhealthy and stunts your growth and stinks and everything I know I know but it sure felt good to fire one up but I know I can’t have one not even one or I’d be hooked again for the rest of my life so yeah these lucky bastards nice I hope you really enjoy yourself I can smell someone smoking from like ten miles away you son of a bitch.

Overall I think this was decent enough although I usually tend to balk at things like this when all of a sudden there’s just a big chase scene in some sort of underground tunnels that are filled with old old dead bodies or various discarded things but also lit by candles I mean who lit that all that shit. And it’s not just my claustrophobia speaking here but I’d almost rather take my chances with whoever is chasing me than go down into some sort of unlit maze of certain death and just get trapped and lost down there and slowly die in sorrow and pain or get eaten by rats or spiders or some other disgusting things but that’s just me maybe. I get it that the movie people want to make you squirm but I’ve seen The Descent ( ! ) and I’m not going in some dark hole. But really who goes down there and lights all those candles? Not me. I didn’t light all of those fucking things

But what else is there to talk about and at what cost? The thing looks good and makes a lot of noise. The cast is attractive and the scenery is pretty. Sweeney doesn’t go around being hysterically melodramatic the whole movie which for some reason I thought she might do thank heavens for that. *Minor spoilers* towards the end we have that whole ‘you’re playing god!’ business to deal with but I guess that’s not the worst thing ever.

FILED UNDER: WELL THERES MUCH WORSE OUT THERE THATS FOR SURE AND SCARS ON YOUR FEET AND DONT SMOKE ITS BAD FOR YOU I FEEL BAD FOR THAT CHICKEN

And now for one of my favorite things I’ve ever done and made (with some minor changes so I can make more room):