At some point in the past in, I think, Wales, a man is accused of stealing something and stuck on a cross out in a field where crows eat his eyeballs and he starves to death – or so we’re told in the opening sequence write-over that had zero chance of ever making this movie exciting. It continues that his pregnant fiancé was also stealing shit so she was burned alive instead of being starved to death for some reason and someone I forget who put a curse on this land and now the guy who was starved to death with no eyes comes back around every 48 hours wearing a burlap sack on his head to haunt the place and look for a new bride.
Elsewhere, a middle aged man who runs the Eric Undead blog seems cursed to be compelled to watch the poorest and most pitiful horror movies Britain can produce all seemingly put out by the same company or two, somehow distributed in America and all featuring absurdly bad acting, no gore or undressed people and terrible, terrible stories that seem to be aimed at scaring infants or preteens somehow maybe why else would these get made? A number of the titles he has been put upon to view include
The Haunting of Borley Rectory
and now this pitiful thing. “Curses,” he mumbles, stitching himself a burlap sack to hang over his head to hide his shame. “Why hast I been forsaken?” He knows it is his choice and it is free will that has brought him this far but still he places the sack over his head and shows himself in public. “Arrrgglle gurgggllle grrr” he mumbles, scaring away infants and preteens. “Garbledy GARBLEDY glurg,” what has become of him? Has The Shame driven him into the countryside to frighten children in search of a ghost he can never obtain? Have the crows feasted upon too much of his humanity leaving him withered and his brains emulsified? Is he just a masked and slithering ball of slime leaving a trail of effluvient writing behind him?
No one knows for sure but the legends will speak of him by the fireside as he presses on into: Bride of Scarecrow
But first let’s see what Steve Loggins thinks a scarecrow should look like:
Hmmm. That seems legit to me. I especially like whatever material the clothes he’s wearing are made out of. Is that leather? I think that looks sharp! Is that some sort of fancy cravat? Oooooh la la so chic and handsome. Look out or I’ll ask you to do my taxes. And who couldn’t love the above the groin bulge? I don’t think that’s a beer gut – I have one of those and it’s much higher so I’m not sure what’s rocking and rolling in that midsection but hopefully it will attract the ladies! Maybe it’s Grecian? Speaking of lady scarecrows, let’s see who Steve thinks will make a good bride of scarecrow here.
I think they would make a nice looking couple but we’d have to check their personalities of course. I mean the potential groom in this situation seems a lot happier here. Maybe a little bit more carefree. The female seems to have a furrowed brow and a stance of what have you done for me lately mister but it looks like they could make it and maybe produce a healthy scarecrow family.
Sadly, here’s what the movie gave us:
I haven’t been able to interpret yet if she’s crying about marrying the scarecrow or because she was in this movie and Mother Krampus but hey, you’ve gotta work so who am I to judge? If she knew what my job was she’d probably be all “how do you do that and not go mental, you tossing wanker?” because she’s British and she can call me that. She also probably plays soccer / football all day and eats fish and chips and scotch eggs for each meal and lives on the countryside in a cottage with no electricity and there’s tonnes of sheep just walking around all day. Right? Maybe. I’m sure we’ll never know the truth there.
But back to this real banger and mash of a film. In the chuffed bollocks opening we’re told this scarecrow bloke comes back every 48 hours to kill everyone and look for a wife. When we cut to modern times, and our blond lady has inherited the farm in Wales, they find some “newspapers” detailing how “this scarecrow comes around every year killing and stealing people” so which one is it you arses? 48 hours or yearly? Make up the mind please, what would the king say about this inconsistency. I suppose, if you’re watching this and wonder how she inherited a farm that’s abandoned for twenty years that could explain the impeccable stables and well fed sheep and chickens hanging around. Or was it the random guy that just shows up for ten seconds (to get killed) that has hay in his hair and clothes? I wonder how long that took him to comb that shit out when the shoot was over?
I can’t even find any reasonable pictures of this thing to stick in my post here so I guess I’ll just keep making my own. I’m just guessing, and this is just spitballing, but I’m going with the scarecrow is looking for a bride to make his own scarecrow family?
I mean, I know he’s pissed since he got eaten alive by crows but is his motivation to spread his scarecrow semen and raise some kids? Maybe – just look at that happy family. I wonder what they eat for dinner? Pot pies? Whatever was going on here, this movie sucked it and even the haunted record player didn’t help.
FILED UNDER: E.A.T.S.H.I.T. AND THAT STANDS FOR ENGLISHMEN ATTEMPTING TO SINGLE HANDEDLY IRRITATE THROUGHLY
On a side note – and just because if nothing else I am very loyal to my friends. I don’t think anyone out here ever looks at pages really anymore because they don’t show up in the reader very easily but I have one out here called “the team“. When I first started this blog however long ago there was going to be another author editor publisher person out here going under the code name JB and we did exactly zero posts together when she moved to Wales to raise her family and lost time for writin’. and that’s great for her and we talk occasionally on twitter and I always hope everything is going great but I wanted to say that this post about scarecrows in Wales has nothing to do with that but just to explain to any passersby what that whole ‘the team’ thing was all about and to backhandedly offer to anyone that if they ever wanted to post anything out here and be part of the eric undead team and let their hair down and get viewed by the one person in China who looks at my place because of a tag someone put in a comment that reads “jizz towel’ – I’d be happy to have you. Either way, this is no dig at Wales.
eric undead 
Your offer is tempting 🤔 However, I haven’t seen any bad British movies lately.
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Hello! Well – I do thank you for your consideration!
PS Bride of Scarecrow sucks.
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Have your people contact my people. We’ll get something cooking.
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I’ll have my people beep your people!
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Fax is good too.
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I’ll tell them to let their fingers do the walking.
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Wait, there’s a haunted record player too?! Talk about burying the lede. That sounds way more fun than watching a horny scarecrow desperately looking for a date.
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Yes! And it didn’t even really help!! Sometimes the record plays and when you turn it off and leave you hear it playing again, even if you unplug the fucker! It’s amazing but sadly underused.
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How about a sitcom, The Happy Scarecrow Family?
_ Jack Scarecrow, is this another bad grade?
_ Cant’ help it, mum, my head is full of straw!
_ That’s an excuse! Show me your homework!
_ Can’t, the crow ate it!
_ Honey, I’m home!
_ Here’s your father, now you’re in deep trouble boy!
Jack takes out a lighter and puts himself on fire, but his mother promptly blows the fire out.
_ How was your workday sweetheart?
_ Boring as ever, just standing there and watching the grass grow… What’s for dinner?
_ Buttered corn!
_ I forgot to buy cigarettes. Be back in a moment.
_ You always forget things!
_ You’re so right, if I only had a brain…
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I love it!
I love the idea of the smoking scarecrow. Puff puff puff and the smoke comes through his straw chest and out into the room constantly. Why is he so addicted? Is he angry? Is it from a rough childhood? Does he just think it looks cool because he learned it from watching old movies where everyone smoked? Is he just priming his straw to be used in a smokehouse to dry tobacco for cigars in some sort of sad sacrifice?
I think David Fincher should direct the pilot.
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I wonder if this is the same British film company that did “Popeye’s Revenge” and “Piglet.” This sounds terrible enough to be the same one. Also, if the dead scarecrow shows up every 48 hours for eighty-hundred years or however long, wouldn’t he have killed everyone or had all the brides by the time the latest one showed up?
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I’ve been wondering the same thing since I read your posts but these things are all SO tame that I don’t know if we can put them together unless these are the “G” versions. Never any blood, never any gore, never much of anything. I suppose at least this one had a haunted record player.
And that’s a good point. I wouldn’t think Britain had a never ending supply of potential brides. But you never know I guess.
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Hmm…the ones I watched def weren’t “G” versions, so I guess there are more terrible British film companies than previously thought. Although haunted record players ARE cool, and I wish mine was haunted.
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I think, being the diligent people we are, we’ll have to dig deeper into this matter 🤔
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Your AI pictures are more compelling than that movie sounds. What of the leather-clad pumpkin man and his grumpy wife?
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That’s funny one of my readers was just telling me about this the other day*
According to them, and of course this is just second hand, but allegedly the father fell into a sort of depravity shortly after the end of the war, being drawn to all sorts of perverse and foul customs, such as burning his own straws and filling rooms with odors and poisons. When he wouldn’t seek help, they say, the wife took / escaped with the children one soggy night while he was sleeping off a moldy corn rye bender. She alleges the family settled somewhere in the Midwest, maybe Indiana, where the wife works at a department store and the kids are trying to put themselves through night school. She didn’t know what they are trying to accomplish? Maybe get their law degrees and sue the stuffing out of their neglectful father?
Maybe we won’t ever know for sure but they say if you’re out in the cornfield trying to Make It and you smell something terrible, it’s probably that miserable and tortured scarecrow with giant above the balls but below the gut bulge coming to get you.
*no reader ever told me that
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See, that’s a way better movie!
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We need to find someone with some money we can pitch our ideas to!
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Just checking in to say hi. Has there ever been a good movie about a scarecrow?
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Hey! Things are ok around here. How are you??
I’ve been trying v to think of one but maybe my exposure is pretty limited but I can’t really. I think a lot of people like dark night of the scarecrow, right? I watched it a few years ago and thought it was ok but I always liked Charles Durning – even as a drunken asshole mailman. I think that’s right.
How is everything?
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I’m doing pretty well. I saw a weird Italian movie from the 60s directed by “Anthony M. Dawson” that I need to write up.
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Anthony M Dawson sounds like a true Italian. I’ll be on the lookout for your write up.
I’m happy to hear from you!
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I like the idea of farmer scarecrows with pitchforks, like the Grant Wood painting. Stoic, and the frightening aspect the stoicism would invite! Spooky ! Let’s have it! 🌽
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I like it! Cornfield Gothic!
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