I’ll start this one off by just flat out saying that I hated this movie almost from start to finish so if you like this one, just ignore this and don’t block me if you already haven’t. I’ve been blindly trying to weigh this on the scales of which I hated more – this or the abysmal Knock Knock by that shitass Eli Roth with Keanu Reeves and I’m stumped. My god Sondra Locke and Colleen Camp were so irritating in this – I hated their screeching screams and screeching laughing and the way that they said the guy’s name EVERY time they screamed. “GEORGE DO YOU WANT TO LOVE ME GEORGE? GEORGE! GEORGE! WHERE’S THE BACON GEORGE! GEORGE! GEORGE! ARE YOU A LITTLE TINY BABY BOY GEORGE! GEORGE! GEORGE! GEORGE! YOU DIE IN SIX HOURS GEORGE! GEORGE!” That went on for hours and it made me want to hurt myself and i don’t know what anyone was trying to accomplish with that abrasive and harmful dialogue. On the other hand, in the pitiful remake by Roth, there’s this long and horrible scene where Reeves has headphones on his head and the two girls are playing music too loud and he’s crying and crying and screaming about how he’ll go deaf and them tries to justify screwing these two underage girls by saying it was free pizza. Either way I hate both of them the most and keep this record for posterity.

By the way I think this is considered “Grindhouse” even though I feel like it has a better production than most of the “Grindhouse” I grew up with that seemed like they were made for pennies. Take the opening song over the credits. It seemed like someone put a lot of work into that and the title card effects so maybe all of that cost more than ‘Cindy and Donna’ but hey what do I know. Granted the song is kind of sus with some girl singing about her daddy bending her over his knee and spanking her and other similar things but it really felt like someone put some effort into it. Unlike Knock Knock where everyone just took a shit in their pants inside someone’s house and called it an Eli Roth movie.

Also – I don’t know about other people but I always thought Sondra Locke was attractive and when she showed up at the beginning all rain drenched and soggy looking with her big eyes I was actually intrigued and later she turned into one of the screechiest and irritating people I’ve ever seen which was really almost as bad as that time I had to go to that baby shower and there were all of those people cackling and playing the piano and someone made me hold the baby and all of that at once I literally almost croaked but I think I chronicled that in more detail out here before so just trust me on this one. But yeah – sweet josiah I hated this thing.

But if I did have to say something nice because my grandpa taught me to try and say something nice even if you only have bad things to say about the sorry son of a bitch here’s this – I loved the architecture of the house they filmed this shit in and I loved how the guy was just sitting around minding his own business and drinking beer out of a mug before these two people washed into his life. I also liked how the very very last second of this movie played out although it didn’t really make any sense unless these filmmakers were trying to make some point about insignificance and the absurdity of things or whether it was a cheap gimmick but either way it seemed satisfying. But I honestly felt like everything in between that was yell-y garbage.

So our man is left alone while his wife and son go out of town and it rains and he enjoys a nice cigarette with his beer by a fire. It rains outside! The doorbell rings! It is two drippy young ladies asking if they can come in and dry off and maybe use a phone. “Sure” he says “you two drippy young ladies can dry off by the fire here”. Soon they take off their clothes and are in towels and are marveling at his hi-fi technology and his futuristic telephone. “OH GEORGE THESE GEORGE RECORDS ARE TOO MUCH GEORGE!” They shirk in delight. “GEORGE THESE TOWELS ARE JUST SUPER GEORGE! GEORGE DO YOU WRAP YOUR HAIRY CHEST IN THESE TOWELS GEORGE HUH DO YOU GEORGE DO YOU DO YOU HUH HUH???” “HUH GEORGE HUH??”

And before you know it they are exploring his high dollar sauna bathtub and then exploring each others bodies and then he gets in on the action complete with whacka schwacka schwacka porn guitar even though I have no experience to base that on but someone you live with might be in the other room and hear the music and ask “what are watching in there” and you’d say “it’s this old movie from the 70s” and the response might be “an old 70s porn??” and you might say “ha ha no it’s this old stupid movie with Sondra Locke” and they might come into the living room and see three naked people rubbing around on each other in a bath tub to wacka wacka wacka guitar and bass and you’d be all “heh heh no really” but after all of that clears out of the air it’s actually very tame with some minor nudity except for butts and then our beer drinking cigarette smoking guy wakes up to a real pile of shit the next day.

I don’t remember how but these two ladies are sitting at a table completely full of cooked food and fruits and juices and Locke starts eating everything with her fingers (including eggs) and chomping and chewing with her mouth open and food falling out all over the place and then she pours milk in her mouth and it spills all over her face like she’s some sort of clogged sink drain and I hated her in all of this and in the meantime her friend is screaming “GEORGE GEORGE GEORGE CAN YOU SEE ME GEORGE GEORGE IM EATING IM EATING GEORGE IM YOUR LOVER GEORGE DO YOU BELIEVE IT GEORGE OH I LOVE YOU GEORGE GEORGE OH GEORGE GEORGE PLEASE OH GEORGE!!!” And I don’t remember the segue but soon he’s tied to his bed and Locke says something about how she’s only 16 and her friend is 15 and he’s going to prison for life for balling them like that and in fact they’ll just go ahead and kill him by themselves, ain’t that right George huh George???

Over the next hour these two actresses who are clearly in their late 20s or 30s jump and scream and smear lipstick all over everything and kill the cat and the grocery guy and scream and screech and break glass and records and jump on the bed and scream “GEORGE GEORGE GEORGE GEORGE GEORGE GEORGE GEORGE GEORGE OH GEORGE GEORGE GEORGE GEORGE ALMOST TIME TO DIE LOVER GEORGE GEORGE GEORGE GEORGE GEORGE GEORGE GEORGE GEORGE!!”

I really was so irritated I could puke but I kept thinking about just how truly awful Knock Knock was and just hate them both but I guess I give this one a nod because it was just a guy sitting at home in front of a fire he started, drinking a glass of beer and none of this horseshit:

FILED UNDER: WHAT A SHITASS

KNOCK KNOCK FILED UNDER: