(There is a NSFW picture in this post)

Today I am introducing a new feature that hopefully I don’t have to invoke very often but it is the Eric Undead Crucible of ShameTM where my body might need purification after sitting through something I found very unpleasant. And I don’t mean unpleasant like it was vile and disgusting but unpleasant as in man that sucked so bad I can’t believe it and I can’t believe I finished it.

Let’s see if I can write two of the most boring things in the world and we can try and guess which one is the story for this movie.

A woman drives a car, she looks at a building, she enters it. She walks around inside the building, she sleeps, she awakens. The woman: she plays a piano. She walks around outside of the building and rummages through old crates. She masturbates. She looks off the side of bridge and sheds one tear! Her nose bleeds. She dreams and awakens again! She plays the piano. She walks up some stairs. She opens a steamer trunk; within is a bottle or vessel of some sort that is presumably decades and decades old. She drinks the contents over and over again. She plays piano. She looks through a book. She goes into a shed. She has sex with something squirmy and gross. She sits near a toilet. She scratches her head. She bleeds from her mouth and scratches her skin. She looks in a mirror. She climbs on a chair to jump out of a window but can’t open the fucking thing so she very very slowly slowly slowly slowly moves the chair to another window and manages to get it open eventually after ten horrible minutes and looks out the stupid window and then, we presume because nothing ever happens in this movie, jumps. Next up – a woman talks about driving a car.

A man lives in an old one bedroom apartment building est. 1934. the only heat is a radiator and the laundry machines are in a basement populated by crickets and cobwebs. His days are spent working a belittling job and nights drinking cheap bourbon on his sofa mourning the mistakes he’s made. One day he awakens in the hallway of his building and can’t remember why he’s there or what he’s done. He feels uncomfortable and discovers a broken shoot of bamboo sticking out of his anus. How has this happened? Where has he been? There are no bamboo plants in this territory. He removes it and makes his way into his apartment to find all of his windows are broken from the outside. A glass of scotch sits undisturbed where his telephone once sat, the water in his bathroom sink drips, his refrigerator is filled with the contents of his old crate of dirty magazines. A sack of old potatoes grows vines in the pantry. Outside, the wind blows through the bamboo. A solitary dog cries in the distance. Elsewhere, a gasoline powered motor begins to run and commerce starts for the day. The man is late to work, the children must be fed.

Which is true of the movie I just watched?

Spoiler: it was the first one. For real, nothing ever really happens in this movie and I mean nothing unless you think walking around and looking at things is really something. “Man that’s really something!” you say and I appreciate your point of view.

I absolutely love independent film, even micro budget horror like Blood Orgy at Beaver Lake or The Man Who Collected Food or The Halfway House but I didn’t get this one and can’t conceive of it being some sort of artsy fartsy thing where you gather your benefactors together in the guest house of their property and show them this, the product of their investments, while you sip expensive wines and eat freshly whipped creams and explore the value of these frames.

At one point she finds an old picture book and in it are the nuditys of this thing’s nudity warning. There are some old sepia photographs of a naked woman and she voice-over talks about her grandma’s nudity “she looks so calm” she says looking at her ancestor’s privates. “I wonder why she was so naked in these photos” she muses. “How lovely to strip and be naked” she thinks, flipping and staring, staring and flipping, flipping and staring. I really can’t find any pictures of this wretched movie oops I said that out loud but I was able to recreate one here:

I can’t say I’ve really ever seen a movie with just one character that I can think of. I mean there’s a couple of things in costumes that show up but that could be the electric guy for all we know. so I’m going back to the “this is art motherfucker” defense the crew would possibly throw at me. But I don’t get it. She plays the piano for ten minutes and something stands behind her. She walks outside in the grass. She walks up stairs. She drinks some shit from some old bottle. I know I’ve had problems with drinking in my life but I never just drank something I found in some tankard or something in someone’s old suitcase. She sleeps, she dreams, she drinks some more of that shit and has visions I guess?

So with these visions and the stupid book and the potions and the implied witchcraft I guess maybe who cares the grandma is hoping to make her into a portal or something for whatever is out there beyond in the static maybe who knows that’s already way too much thought already or maybe it’s this:

I mean – this place here – eric undead – is to talk about movies that may not be probably aren’t the best in the world and try to do some creative writing and have some fun but this is really anything but that. I don’t think it’s creative or fun and was a real drag to sit through. There’s this one eternal scene where she walks up some stairs into a dark attic and some hands come out from behind her and grab her face and she screams and we cut to the next day or morning and I guess it was no big deal so maybe it was just a nightmare this woman was having after going to live in a clean and furniture filled abandoned school house left to her by her dead grandmother. It’s abandoned AF but still has electric and I guess heat and air and running water under which you can take a nice and long self pleasuring shower with yourself. In the old abandoned school house. That’s exactly the place I would want to fondle myself even though I never have because that’s wrong and look what happened to poor Onan.

FILED UNDER: WHAT IS THIS STUPID MOVIE I HATE IT I’M WATCHING THIS ON A DAY OFF IN NOVEMBER AND THIS IS ONE OF THE MOST TEDIOUS IRRITATING AND WORST MOVIES IVE SEEN IN 2024 I HATE IT SO VERY VERY MUCH

CoS QUOTIENT: H/S:80