I’ve never heard of this thing so I felt obligated to take a picture of this with the title on it. That’s not to say that I’ve heard of everything or something like that because in general I don’t know anything and no one tells me nothin but I guess I thought this was Don’t Open Til Christmas – that English one with the burny doll – and I’ve already seen that and am probably good there but I watched the trailer for this and nothing rang a bell so of course I was overjoyed and immediately took off all my clothes and went running up and down the streets with my arms in the air screaming hysterically in joy and excitement I mean I was all “looks like something I’d like” and watched it like the good researcher i am. I have to say that I honestly liked this thing – maybe even loved it a little.

I don’t know if it’s the late 70s aesthetic or the way this seemed like a very independent movie and the actor did his own ladder climbing or this or that, or maybe they way they shot it or maybe the way it looked like they cared and really tried it maybe the acting was kind of decent really or maybe just the innocent likability of the poor guy who loves Santa Claus but goes crazy or something I don’t know but I liked this kind of a lot. So let’s set this up.

A boy and his brother and their momma hide on a stairway watching Santa cone out of the fireplace and eat some cookies and drop off some gifts and everything is wonderful and merry and happy and smiley and peaceful and everything a happy family could ever want!

But we are to assume that’s just the Norman Rockwell dream of the American child in America 1947. Sugar plums and candy canes and tinsel and toys and elves and a day without spankings so when he wakes in the middle of the night to run and see what he hears scurrying around downstairs by the Christmas tree, reality comes and hits him like the shit hitting the fan and he see some of this:

Now, if you can’t see that because your eyes are shitty like mine are getting, that’s Santa fixing to go down town with his mom so naturally he runs up the stairs and into the attic and breaks a snow globe on purpose and cries his little kid brains out. As we transition into modern day early 80s, we’re left to wonder why this fucked him up so much or was he just born this way?

Because we’re very thorough here and don’t half ass anything, we turned to our staff psychologist and asked him what he thinks could be happening in this solemn case.

“Elementary,” he writes while apparently and studiously puffing on a giant pipe. “You see the child is showing an archetypal fear of maternal abandonment having recently, considering the overview of an epoch, been released from the safety, warmth, comfort and solitude of his rebirth home. Many children studied, as I have studied the greatest scholars, exhibit such evacuating trauma and prescribe to live into their early days seeking the refuge once more of their earliest memories, such as and including, as we mostly have, the security of seclusion in the privacy of solitude. As a great Prussian scholar once observed, the child, especially if the male variety will find terror and instinctual protectively and guardianship of his natal home and, upon seeing affronts upon it nearby will surely and progressively descend into madness leading into and among armed conflict and, in many cases, psychoses and the establishment of reciprocal antagonism. We can see, in this study, much like the subjects observed in the 1793 case of The Aufbeiwitz Children, whose skins were still translucent if not of a shimmer, the desire to return to their origins were that of fierce determination and, in a percentage, deliberate rage. Especially considering the population sample of study we recognize puer amat matrem sine fine and he is disturbed by perceived transgressions among the wo-“

OK. That’s enough of that already. for whatever reason this fucks him up and when he’s an adult he dresses up like Santa and kills some people from his Naughty Book he keeps.

But it’s really not some slasher movie. I actually really cared for this poor guy – he just wanted the kids in his Nice Book to be happy and get presents and enjoy Christmas.

There’s this part before we head into the final act where he stops by this building and out by the door there’s a plaque for ‘friends and family’ and he gets caught peeping in the windows looking at every one drinking and dancing and partying and having a good time so these two drunk bastards haul him in off the streets and you think he’s going to lose his shit and kill some more people and jesus christ the walls are closing in all around him and i am the power of the sun god can you feel me on your flesh but no – he smiles and laughs and they all have a really fun, lengthy dance. For some reason it actually made me really happy and I wish I knew how or had the patience to go make a little gif or video of it but it’s kind of awesome. They do some skipping and he twirls around with the women and it was all good fun

I think it reminds me of this place from my childhood where my grandparents would take me while they went and did dancing and probably got loaded on Canadian Club and I thought it was the most boring thing in the world and hated it but now in my head I bet they had a good time and wonder what it would be like to be a part of something like that. Obviously the place is still there or I wouldn’t have found its website and this picture but I’m not part of that little Czech community that moved here 100 something years ago so I doubt anything like that would ever happen and I’m probably just being sappy and nostalgic because I’m getting old.

But back to this so he has a good time and heads off to kill some more people from his Naughty Book. Mainly the asshole guy that shafted him in the assembly line so he could go out smoking and drinking because if you’ve ever heard my mom talk everyone that’s ever died, died from smoking and drinking but – in the end he gets cornered by some angry parents and they end up chasing him around town literally with torches like he’s Frankensteins monster complete with multiple shots of mobs of feet scurrying across the screen. You probably know what I’m talking about. I think there was a good spoof of that in Top Secret back in the day.

And as we now know this is one of those “man goes crazy” themes we can’t justifiably leave out the closing shot. I don’t know if this will be a spoiler or not since it wouldn’t spoil anything for me but, after being choked and beaten by his own brother of all people and once again being chased by the mob of touch wielding 80s neighborhood-ites:

Fly fly away Santa Claus! Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night! On Donner and Blitzen! More importantly, earlier I wrote on here that I didn’t want to spoil anything and it originally read that I didn’t want to soil anything and I think that’s probably closer to the truth. “Eric Undead: soiling things since 2020”. Maybe I should change my sites tagline to something like that. Eric Undead: you’ve just been soiled. Maybe!

FILED UNDER: YOUVE BEEN SOILED

For good measure and the spirit of giving, Steve Loggins and I created these images for you of “man who soiled himself, woodcut” if you like to print one up, frame it and put it beside your bed. Those eyes! the second one seems kind off Christmas-y! Despondent and soiled but Christmas-y!