Just look at those two fake arms in that picture. I mean everything’s fake but for real.

Last year around this time I talked about a terrible British movie called Mother Krampus that truly sucked so I was really ready for this sequel because it had to have made a lot of money to merit another one so it had to only get better right? This time it’s set here in the states in a snowy place called Ohio and it starts off relatively good with some sort of humanoid person doing some kills wearing what I thought was someone else’s human face and it honestly looked kind of creepy but eventually she takes off her human face pullover and it’s just some ugly mask and the person under it is just some old lady who I guess wanted some place to kill some people and spend Christmas by herself.

I hate to ruin it for you but there’s really no reason given to this behavior until the very very end of the movie when she’s explained away as an ‘escaped lunatic’. OK.

Elsewhere, four individuals are doing their public service to society and honoring their jail parole by washing some dishes at the homeless shelter. These homeless people are all women with some sort of soot smudges on their faces and some slightly mussed up hair who are willing to get down and dance when one of the parolees does his naughty Santa dance ‘n grind there on the stage in the homeless shelter. This was so stupid I couldn’t believe it but then they have to go do one more thing and serve this family some Christmas Eve food which they head off into the snow to do without taking any types of food to serve. But onward they press like the good Christmas warriors they are and head straight into the mouth of the devil! That very same house where an ordinary looking, late middle aged woman sits in her kitchen wearing an apron and making soup. None of them know that upstairs everyone has been butchered! To death! Shit!

Lucky for us they sit around for about 40 minutes talking about nothing until someone smartasses the old lady and she gets pissed and it’s time to do murdering. With her mask sometimes and sometimes not I guess that’s not her true M.O. who knows any more. She also seems extremely weak and feeble and not able to chop people up with axes or even carry them around but again what do I know? I obviously don’t know shit about these things although one time when I was living with those two guys off 45th street we had to drag that one guy up IN to the attic because we had to hide the bod- never mind that last part but gravity can be tough! Hahaha some people! Eh. *itches neck Erm.

So, some lame murders, more lameness and a lame dance before a long lame conversation and then some off screen people chopping and I think these two people did it there in the murder house. Note that despite this being a horror this is very tame and while there are some blood effects there is no nude thrusting or sensual oiling or gently pushing things inside someone or hot showers where people wash themselves with no soap.

But we’re fair here so as terrible as everything was going I have to give some good juju to the short black haired lady who played the lead I guess. She seemed too nice for this dumb thing but I guess you’ve got to work to buy food and clothes and cartons of Lucky Strikes and underwear so I wish her good luck and fortunes and hopefully she can steer clear of horseshit like this unless she is really down on her luck and needs something to eat.

But really, after all of the shittiness that’s been going on so far there’s something that gets even worse – or maybe it’s just me but come on people.

After one of the ladies – Athena – who is a man – gets captured – spoilers here – and the lady is threatening to give him everything he’s ever wanted for Christmas by taking the garden shears to his doodle and American genitals – they get interrupted by something. I think it was someone making a noise upstairs (maybe those two people humping) or something, whatever it was it was something stupid. Anyway we – or at least i – forgot about this Athena character as just dead in the basement and then later in one of those shitty and poor writing ‘last second saves’ bits, he / Athena shows up to hit someone on the head and save someone’s ass and wouldn’t you know it but he no longer has any make up on and has changed into some sort of trousers and sweater complete with neck tie. This is a big contrast to the santa coat only with ass hanging out outfit they/he/she had on throughout the whole movie. I really don’t care how anyone wants to dress or do things because that’s not my business but this was a really terrible error that my ocd can’t get over. I really don’t care if the weenus got cut off or not but it just bothered me that this character was tied up and left for dead and just later showed up in a change of clothes to save the day. And not even that but he decided to put on a neck tie which is one of the worst things in my life to wear. At one point Athena said she was on Santa’s naughty list for “trying to suck some cop’s dick for cocaine” and I feel like that kind of sums up this movie: you tried I guess but nobody got there and I don’t think you tried very hard so go think about this in the jail hole your Xmas present this year is a used rubber.

FILED UNDER: YOU’RE GOING TO NEED AN ASSLOAD OF PEPPERMINT SCHNAPPS OR EVEN RUMPLEMINTZ TO ENJOY THIS LOAD OF SHIT

But let’s go back to that poster at the top. Who decided on using that? Well it wasn’t me but this whole time I was thinking I could do fucking better than that but maybe I can’t. Steve Loggins and I tried multiple multiple versions of things trying to make something better but maybe it’s harder than I think. Huh. Here are a few of the leftovers I haven’t thrown away yet. I think I like number three best as we almost got the “arms coming out of the chimney” close: