That’s a real word – I looked it up! I don’t know if my mind will turn to putting a picture of the lady covered in snails in this post but who ever knows what’s going to happen here but there’s an extended scene in this one where a lady is covered in snails from head to toe and her top is even bare so they’re in her mouth and on her face and on her you knows and I don’t know if they make all of those noises but in this they’re gurgling and oozing and making gross noises so maybe they only do that when there are hundreds of them and maybe the filmmakers pulled one over on me and I don’t really have a fear of snails but I would never want to be the one who did that scene, i mean maybe if they gave me a million dollars i’d give it a shot because then I could buy some lunch and maybe even some dinner the next day but it would be a long thought about that deal for fucking sure and now i’m thinking about Deadly Blessings when Sharon Stone ate that spider and I don’t think I could even do that even if I was a struggling actor that needed rent money and now i’m thinking of the time (true story) about two months ago when I was sitting in this training room at work with my coworker and my current manager who has an extreme tendency to change up everything we’re doing in a split second despite how long we’ve worked on something and how much time and effort we’ve put into something and the three of us are sitting there and I hear (my teammate) scream and lunge her hands at (my manager’s) neck and in a split second I think OHMYGOD(SHE’S)FINALLYCRACKEDWHATAMIGOINGTODOSHE’SGOINGTOKILLHER and I’m prepared to jump into heroic action and save the fucking day and I turn around and (she’s) hysterically battling some sort of spider that must have come in on (manger’s) shirt from the parking garage and now not only am I jacked because I thought there was going to be violence near me in the corporate training room but now there’s some sort of live spider down there with us and knowing my luck it’s probably a brown recluse whose got my name in its Book of Victims but luckily no one got hurt except for my blood pressure.

Apparently you can search the movie’s title and see all sorts of images of the snail scene so I’ll leave that up to anyone who reads this and take a break from snails and spiders and present this gif I found from the movie and try and think about something else.

As an FYI I also thought this was going to be that Jennifer Connolly and Donald “Michaaaaaaelllll!” Pleasance movie movie by Dario Argento but —- it’s not. It’s a movie by Lucio Fulci with snails and a bunch of good looking foreign women in it. Now – I’m not trying to be sexist or anything but I can’t deny that these people were very attractive. That really doesn’t have much to do with anything other than the plot really but it’s true anyway so let’s move on.

As it goes – this nerdy attractive college co-ed is duped by her more suave attractive co-eds into going on a date with someone who probably wouldn’t have much interest in her in these types of situations and wouldn’t you know it, before too long ‘they done her dirty’ and she’s in a coma with wires all strapped to her head and a strapping young doctor looking after her and reading a computer screen with bleep bleep bleeping vital signs going all the time. Except when they think she’s brain dead which doesn’t last too long because – SPOILER – SHE AND HER MOMMA HAVE PSYCHIC POWERS AND THEM BITCHES ARE GOING TO PAY FOR WHAT THEY DONE.

“We ain’t leavin’ til Ned gets here.”
“But Ned’s dead.”
“What do you mean Ned’s dead?”
“They killed Ned. They whipped him and whipped him until he was dead.”
“Who killed Ned?”
“Ned said you was WIll Munny who dynamited women and children. And you were gonna come kill him Little Bill too.” (Or more precisely: He said how you was really William Munny out of Missouri… and Bill said “Same William Munny that dynamited the Rock Island and Pacific in ’69 killin’ women and children an’ all?” And Ned says you done a lot worse than that, said you was more cold blooded than William Bonney or Clay Alisson or the James Brothers and how if he hurt Ned again you was gonna come an’ kill him like you killed a U.S. Marshall in ’73.”)
“And Bill killed Ned for what we done?”
“Yes sir.”

Sorry wrong movie. But in the correct movie we’re here for today, they done her wrong and her essence or spirit of whatever is leaving her body to extract some sort of psychological yet deadly revenge and lifeless carcasses that no one really seems to care about at St Mary’s School for Girls there in Boston.

Now I’m trying to think of something here. I’m not a film student and never studied film or techniques so when I was talking to this lady relatively recently about The Swimmer and my take was that it was all about drinking and how he lost everything when he got to drinking and bird-dogging around and how his his life was spiraling out again on his way down that mountain and she was all “no water means cleansing: film has its own language” and I was all well maybe but I think this is about alcohol you see Cheever had his own probl- and she was like “no Eric listen it’s about cleansing” and I was all have you read any Cheev- and “Eric listen to me, when he meets the child at the pool he’s meeting himself and washing himself free of guilt, listen to me” and I but – and “freedom and purification” and what about how he goes from private pools with rich gin to the public pool with beer and piss and “cleansing” and no I and “washing” and ok ok I got it thanks. So I don’t know “film” or this or that and I don’t really know many director’s oeuvre except for maybe Carpenter so I don’t know what Fulci was up to when he made this and I know he’s a lot of people’s favorite but I guess I only thought it was decent enough but honestly I like Argento’s old stuff better and that’s all I’ve got.

So this chick gets tricked and played and ends up mostly dead but sends her spirit out into the world and inhabits this one youthful blond lady who’s coming off some sort of “spell” in the lunatic asylum but is now back in the school for girls, showing off her stomach and legs and she’s ready to pork – sorry if that’s crude but I think she even said that about “any man in jeans”. The first one up is the local gym and yoga instructor beefcake guy who – alludedly – has porked everyone. Wanting revenge, does the old sprit switch there again and soon he’s – um – getting his body smashed into some type of clear glass window or plane or something equally 80s-y until he’s good and dead. I didn’t really understand that psychic M O but it’s probably something deep that I missed like in The Swimmer. “Causality, Eric. Vanity and Penance. Film is teaching.” Or something.

And that’s how it goes adding in one ton of 80s posters on the walls of the dorm. Tom Cruise and Men at Work and MacGuyver (I think) and other hunks watching over everything when the psychic lady gets mad and kills you with your deepest fears in your brain and then you’re dead in real life and no one can explain how. “How did he die?” Asks a cop. “Beats me Mac,” replies the other eating a sandwich. “Want some salami?” “Sure,” he responds, having always had a terrible fear of not being included, stemming back to his days in college when he was very attracted to a lady named Diana, slightly older than him and studying the Performance Arts.

“Come with me” she said one time when they were in bed together, which he did and became attached. “Come with me,” she repeated later, beckoning him to her group’s production of Twist and Shout: The True Story of How the Ribbed Condom Came to Be. There, among the tight seats in cramped aisles, he watched as his love disrobed in front of the audience and simulated copulation with her cast members, right there, in front of everyone. He had never been in this position before! He didn’t know what to do and had no one to ask, so he took off all of his own clothes and made his way to the stage with the intent of pitching in. “Aieee aieee! No participation!!” the nude but scarved director had screamed, his sad screeching causing panic. “Aieee!” Now more alarmed and less aroused, he ran back and gathered his clothes and possessions and streaked out into the snow, intent on pursuing justice for those who couldn’t defend themselves as his new focus of study. Note: this piece does not intend to offer opinion of his views or stances in his treatise on the Sacco and Vanzetti case but merely to help explain why he felt the urge(s) to agree to eat another man’s salami sandwich.

Will the lady in the coma get her revenge?? Will her mother feel redemption on those fucking kids who hurt her daughter?? Will what’s her name get laid? Will you have nightmares of slugs and snails crawling all over your nude flesh leaving trails of slime everywhere?? Disgusting! Lastly! Will this movie have you crying while you cook your supper? All of this and more in Aenigma!

FILED UNDER: NOT JENNIFER CONNOLLY BUT BLOOD DRIPPY PAINTINGS AND MISSING EARRINGS AND WHAT IS MOST LIKELY JAILBAIT AND SACCO AND VANZETTI