Bowling! How many times out here have I related my enjoyment of a movie to whether or not I would go bowling with it? or take it out for some bowling alley nachos? Or some bowling alley pitchers of warm beer? I can tell you that it’s been quite a few times because I’ve always loved bowling and hanging at the alley and the things that go along with it even if I don’t get around to it much any more. Maybe that’s how I should rehab myself back into the sports world. I’d have to adjust my stroke for sure but hmmmmm maybe that’s possible! So a horror set at a bowling alley? I was totally fucking in when I saw this pop up. Did I love it? Honestly I thought some it was greatness and I would TOTALLY go bowling with it but then it just kind of – I don’t know – maybe they ran out of money or time and just had to wrap shit up real quick, I don’t know but it seems like things could have ended up so much better overall – like when you got some erm uhm scratches um you got some sort of wild night pleasures later for making the 6/10 split and winning the frame woohoohoo shit like that never happens ever ever in your life instead you end up like you drank too much flat warm beer and had to take a dump at the bowling alley shitter on a Friday night but hey man earlier you bowled four strikes in a row so maybe the night wasn’t all bad but hopefully you don’t get crabs from the public toilet seat. And while none of that midnight special stuff ever happened to me after bowling and thankfully no crabs – although one of my categories on WordPress here is “worse than the draft beer shits” – I did get the bowling alley warm beer revenge a bunch but that’s not the point here and I really wanted to love Terrace Lanes and some of it was great but some of it pooped out like those bowling alley soggy hot wings, at least to me anyway.

In here, there’s mention of The Dark Arts of Bowling! Excitement! But then someone holes herself up in a room, protected from murdering assholes by nothing but a weak door handle lock. There’s a dude in a bowling pin mascot costume! But there’s also this gen z kid who keeps using the word “cock” over and over. “Jeez cock,you’re being such a cock.” “Man these shoes are cock.” “I’ll stop acting like cock if you pick up that split.” “These crabs in my pubes are real cock.” “That eric undead blog is certainly not the tits and just cock.” But I really did like the fact they had a killer with glasses over his mask – I thought that was clever. And the girl with the pony tails.

I don’t think I rally know what else to say about this movie. Oh! How about the plot? That might help! I feel like this should have taken place in the 80s (and maybe it does) but now my memories think it might be more modern but a bunch of cultists are doing some organ-harvesting-mapping to a sacred site and their leader uses a crystal to divine things which makes me think of the 80s when I seem to remember things like that going on but either way their path to their great ascension leads them to the Terrace Lanes bowling alley which happens to be closing up shop for good that night anyway. A couple of chicks – one of which is more interested in the other – are going out to hang and they are surprise joined by a couple of dickweeds who might potentially be coitus interrupting things. One of the girl’s dad runs the alley and he’s sad because of good memories and honestly i really liked his character but she doesn’t want to acknowledge him because sheez dad come on like i’m on my first girl date and you’re a dweeb don’t block my good time and then they’re all set upon by a shitload of hooded people in masks who are murdering them all for glory and honor or something.

I loved the premise and I loved the setting and i love bowling and then everything just kind of wanked itself out which was kind of a shame because i was getting such high hopes there at the beginning. I’m trying to think of a good analogy but the only thing that comes to mind is that time a bunch of us went bowling and we all got drunk and I didn’t have a ride home so this lady took me back to my apartment and we made out even though I didn’t really want to with her exactly and i never saw her again anyway which is probably best but now I’m thinking of the time i went up to Arkansas and I was hanging with my friend NAME REDACTED and we ate some pot brownies even though I’ve never had or eaten a pot brownie and we got bored and went bowling and i was so fucking high even though i’ve never been high that I couldn’t bowl for shit and I think I might have gotten something like a 37. I should * that by noting we were also drinking whiskey even though whiskey never really bothered me so it must have been the altitude or something.

You know what, I really liked a lot of this movie but since I like to put pictures in these posts to kind of reflect what I’ve seen, I want to bitch that I’ve been really struggling to find any for this thing that will work in wordpress and it’s irritating me to no fucking end so I’ll close with this image I had Steve Loggins make of “woman casting a spell to keep me away because she doesn’t like me 70s poster style” for a header out here that I haven’t finished yet but it’s my own and not some fucking jfif or aviv or whatever that is so eat shit stupid files.

FILED UNDER: WHAT COULD HAVE BEEN AND BOWLING PIN COSTUMES AND ROCK N BOWL AND THAT LEAD LADY IS AWFUL SHORT NOT THAT THAT’S ANY BIG DEAL AND DRAFT BEER SHITS