Well dang, what a load of shite and bollocks and even some arse. I remember when this project started I watched the first one of these and my findings were that it was “fucking terrible” but the second one was slightly better with no French people peeing and minutes upon minutes spent focusing on a door knob. Sadly this one really took us a step backwards and I have to report this is probably one of the worst things I’ve seen in a while. Is it is bad as The Grotto? It is but while The Grotto was filmed in a cave with no lights and maybe in 720p, in this thing we can at least see what’s going on but what’s going on really sucked it. I mean to the extent where maybe we could say something dramatic like “these movies are in God’s hands now” or “I hope the widow had good insurance” or “Jesus that was bad” or even “this smells like the inside of an ancient burlesque hall. The one that made its patrons pay entry by dropping shillings straight into the proprietor’s asshole”.

Kind of exactly like the other two that came before it, this one starts off with some random masked nun killing some random person in some random British city after knocking on a door a bunch and getting let in. Stab stab stab thanks for your hospitality I’ll teach you the way the truth and light and behaveth and don’t drink and don’t sin and die just in case you wanking plonker. Go Union Jack. Is that right? I don’t remember. Then some lady goes out into the countryside alone and gets stalked by some nun that is amazingly all over the place at once and spoiler she lives but this time they get away without having to lock someone inside a building with a basic interior door lock and not some heavy duty industrial bolt or something. As always, a disclaimer that I’m not in or from England and all I know about it is from olde Doctor Whos from the 70s and 80s so maybe these fucking things are just great and I don’t understand them. Sorry. Maybe I’m the bollocks.

Aside from being a real and genuine crap movie, i want to always be fair and point out any good things to look forward to. My initial reaction is that there are none but that can’t truly be correct so let’s admire the first four or five minutes of this which the folks spend recapping the first two movies through a series of two of three second clips in montage form. In some unbelievable way the opening kind of made me happy somehow remembering how shit yourself bad the first two movies were but these brief shots of someone turning to the camera or getting hung by the neck or screaming from inside a locked car were almost nice somehow but now that I’m typing this, maybe they were trying to warn us about how bad things were getting ready to get. Like: Remember all this, then? Well, nothing’s going to prepare you for:

The Computer Voice Policeman. So our lady got loaded and killed her boyfriend in an accident and goes to grief meetings and wears a boot on her broken ankle and gets around with crutches and her friend talks her into going to the house or neighborhood where those nuns killed all those people and she goes alone and decides to go for a walk in the hills and meets this couple who are like totally in love and fondling each other fondle fondle and they want her to do some graphic design for their website so she goes further up a hill to get cell service and gets a call from what we deduce is the cops and it goes something like this:

“Hello First Name Last Name. I am the police. First Name Last Name, I was looking over your case and, First Name Last Name, I have concluded that, First Name Last Name, you were not drunken but roofied and couldn’t have killed your boyfriend in a drunken state so, First Name Last Name, you are no longer in trouble, First Name Last Name, and are subsequently off the hook for murder. I hope you have a pleasant day, First Name Last Name.”

Note: the voice uses the character’s real first name and last name but I am too unwilling to go look it up.

Note 2: the voice is so obviously computer generated from a text to speech function it blew my mind with its out of place-ness or maybe that’s how they do it over there to save money and I’m just used to real people calling about some sort of important news like that or maybe that’s how those cops just talk. Or maybe I’m just the wanker and don’t get what the shit that was all about which could surely and truly be the case. Maybe one day when I’m rich I can go overseas and do some real investigating. Maybe I could invest in a good microphone and do one of those real life true crime podcasts. Speaking of that – well wait, I’ll come back to that if I remember. To my own detriment I’m sure.

If we step back in time a few minutes, I mentioned her grief group. ↑ She’s got this friend ↑ who might have the worst, slow, uninflective line delivery I’ve ever heard – which reminds me of the time my friend and I got the wise idea to do a podcast out here and publish it to the public. We called it the “I got high and burned my weenie” podcast because someone was cooking hot dogs and forgot what was going on and burned them on the grill, not necessarily a thought about cooking in the nude or something. If you wanted to hear us talking, in the slowest uninflective way you could expect from a couple of beer drinking guys that have been friends for forty years, I present it to you HERE . I haven’t listened to it in a long time but I don’t think it’s one you should play out loud while you’re not paying attention at church or at your child’s choir recital or something. It’s not obscene or anything but I’m sure there is adult language. My main point of that is to assert and give perspective that I talk slow and feel the friend character in this movie may possibly be worse because we are all about fair play here. (And we’ve been thinking about doing it again if it ever cools down outside )

Back to what’s important – guess what? A nun is killing some people! SPOILERS: there’s two of them again and this time they are doing it to get popular on YouTube. You’re copycats! Someone yells. That’s right! Someone replies. Why?. Someone asks. To make money! Someone explains. And that’s the big build up to the last few minutes where DUM DUM DUM DUM DUM in a surprise move, the good team wins without having to lock someone in a church this time. Party!

FILED UNDER: TERRIBLE AND NUNS AND HUH AND ROBOT VOICES AND AT LEAST THEY DIDN’T SPEND HALF THE MOVIE FOCUSING ON A DOORKNOB AND I SUPPOSE IF YOU WERE REALLY REALLY LOOKING FOR A CHEAP THRILL THERES SOME BEEFCAKE AND A LADY IN A BATHING SUIT MAKING IT IN A SHOWER WHICH IS BETTER THAN A FRENCH WOMAN PEEING I SUPPOSE

In closing, I think that might do it for the nun series for this year. I don’t think it will ever be finished but I might take a break from the nun horror ecosystem for a little bit. It’s been a real fun summer hanging out with these forsaken people in nun outfits – male, female or inhuman – and I know it’s early but I have to get prepped for my yearly dive into shitty Christmas horror, I’m pretty slow getting things watched and poorly written about. And I have to get my yearly wrapping paper put together. You can click this link HERE if you wanted to see what I put together last year. Or you could look at the titles page to see what came before – down in the christmas cheer section, if you felt like it. This always takes me a lot longer than it should. But hi ho hi ho – or is it ho ho ho – here’s the latest diagram we’ve all worked so hard on for the last few months and I’m so very proud of of it – I feel like I can honestly say no one has ever done this before so three cheers and here’s one for down your leg and here’s to a fast dollar and, as always, if you run across a nun movie you want to stick on here, you can email me at filmmiasma@gmail and we’ll get it plugged in. WHOOP and WHAZOO!