My initial take while sitting through and thinking how this thing might have been made went something like this:

• We want a nun movie like those ones the Americans are making
• OK
• Since we’re short on Euros re-use some of those old Game of Thrones sets
• ok
• This script is too talky, stick some demons in there
• ok
• Wait, the church called and wants something less possesy, put in some sort of something about how maybe there’s allergens in the air or something
• ok got it
• Wait, the bosses just called and want to go back to possession and shit, work that back in
• sigh, ok
• You’re the guy that directed The Seasoning House, right? Throw in something gruesome and see what happens
• all right mate
• Sean Pertwee is busy doing every other British movie in production so work around that
• But I–
• Use some of that computer shit to make it look like it’s raining 100% of the time, or even just super cloudy with swirling clouds all the time
• Well it–
• Fuck it, mate, just throw something together and we’ll call it good, thanks and cheers
• Can I call Pertwee? He lives next do–
• No.

And maybe I’m wrong which isn’t a big surprise but this thing is a real English bore until they start ripping out their own eyeballs. Well. one of them does but things do get a little squishy and gooey and stabby in there after about 50 minutes. And that’s 50 minutes of a head nun and her goons calling other nuns whores and locking them in rooms and making them wash bloody clothes and do gardening and eating moldy bread and some skinny guy trying to get someone out of there because he thinks something’s in the air or there’s a sickness going around wherever this place is out in the middle of absolutely nowhere.

Oh and Michael Ironside is in it for a little bit at the beginning.

I would also like to go on the record and say that nothing like that image in the poster up top really happens. By the end of this thing a LOT of the characters have gone around with glowing eyes, but not the blank blind ones.

And I actually think they pulled off the glowy eyes pretty well. I don’t know if they used contacts or what but I feel like, as we’ve seen so many many many times before, if they just try and throw some yellow blips in there while editing it never really works out so clap clap good job let’s go play some billiards. But! Seriously, by the end, I’m not sure what was up and I’m too lazy to go look but this really took on an Evil Dead atmosphere with all of the eyes and even the unbodied thing going down hallways and even the big hand rising from the grave bit so I don’t know if they were thinking of competing with Evil Dead Rise (which I loved) or not so there’s an observation on my part.

But I guess it’s not all bad, especially if you like lengthy flashback monologues that try to explain things, which I don’t. But I guess it helped set up the last part where a bunch of evil, undead nuns are going around killing the still alive nuns up to and including someone getting their head sliced in half, which was all right even if it was CGI. For the record, I also liked the character of Adela for whatever that’s worth.

I suppose I should go on for a second about what this is about in case someone reads this and is looking to get caught up on some possessed nuns stuck in the countryside somewhere films. In the 17th century or so our lead gets accused of being a witch which we find out why later. She’s taken to this convent out in the hills where they are mean and ugly to her and then this guy comes around looking for someone and they get meaner and uglier and then they make her wash the bloody clothes of the other nuns who keep dying. Why? It’s not super clear until later but there’s this demon girl who keeps showing up in the shadows and crawling up walls. that might have something to do with it. Or it’s just because the lord is pissed because of impure thoughts and not gardening correctly. Or maybe there’s a sickness. Whatever is happening, someone’s got some eyeballs wrapped up in a cloth on her desk. Whuuuuuuut.

I think my favorite part of the entire thing was when the guy was questioning our lead and she replies back with the line “it’s wretched here.” The way she says it just seemed epic and there are times I just want to say that where I spend most of my time M-F during the day hours when I could be home with my family our out in the sun when it’s not necessarily 130 degrees or doing a lot of other things but I guess we all have to work to pay for food and electricity and water to wash away our dirt, shames and sins.

FILED UNDER: AT TIMES IT FELT LIKE AN ASSAULT ON THE TESTICLES WITH THE TALKING AND THE STORMY SWIRLING CLOUDS AND THE MEAN OLD HEAD NUN BUT THEN SOMEONE PULLED OUT THEIR OWN EYES AND THINGS GOT REASONABLE

And speaking of sins, here’s our new diagram! Whoop! Look at all of these beautiful lines and connectors and bits of observation. I haven’t seen anything like this that’s this fucking beautiful in years!

Biblical and Apocryphal volumes of thanks to Michi @ Random Movie Musings and The Devil’s DVD Bin for helping out with this beautiful work of art! This time around Michi provides some insight into The Nun 2 – another one I’ve never seen but honestly sounds like something I should get around to. Plus I like Taissa Farmiga because she will always and forever be there in The Final Girl. And I like goat monsters. THANK YOU BOTH!