A nun shouts profanely! She throws food! Does she bare all? No! This isn’t that kind of movie! She’s tied down despite my last sentence! She’s pissed as shit! Elsewhere, a timid looking fellow approaches an older, curly haired man wearing a priest outfit. The man with the perm is watering flowers, the younger man informs him some clergy higher ups are there to talk to him. “Well fuck me running,” advises the wiser, sager elder. Inside, curiously sitting beside a life sized stuffed lion which I guess represents Christ, they are told to go to this one convent and perform an exorcism. “For realsies?” asks the younger guy. “For realz,” responds the bishop-y people who are probably management and add, “try not to pay attention to the stories of (the older priest) fiddling with young boys” and then they for real laugh their holy asses off.

Inside a diner , the younger priest says he’s going to take his vows soon and be ordained. The older man, eating a sausage I think, asks if he’s really sure about that and indicates something like “hey brother sex is good don’t knock it til you’ve tried it warm on my penis” but his trainee insists on swearing himself in. “Suit yourself Slap Jack” says the other one and they go to the nun house where the consistent belief is the possessed nun is just acting up and she might just need someone to tell her she’s full of shit and get back to worshipping and everything is going super great and I’m loving this movie and there’s even a scene where they do the slo-mo Right Stuff I’m gonna save the fucking day walk down a hallway and this movie was really doing everything I wanted and was right up my alley and that’s no euphemism.

And then things kind of even get a little bit more fun when they bring in the television exorcist guy and his helper. There’s biting and blood and smoking and slapping and screaming and someone calls someone a son of a bitch and i was really kind of having a good time. And seriously, almost every scene or sequence involving these nuns was great. The little intro to who they are and what they do, this shot of them in an elevator, I think and this piece where they’re watching the priests get out of their car. I wish I had had a part in writing that.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand about two thirds through movie, they go to this sandwich shop / deli that’s —–> in the city where I live. I was all WHOA HEY WHAT and then I had to fight Hulu to get through the credits without having to go back or go to the next movie and saw this was made with help of the state arts thing around here. Go go friends yes! If I had known this was going to be so awesome and fun I wish they would have told me about it and I could have helped out. I bring my own toiletries and I was an only child so I learned the hard way never to leave shit lying around for someone else to pick up so I clean up after myself. Call me next time.

But then, for some reason, things just up and changed. Not that it wasn’t still made well and acted nicely and looked good, but this went from something fun and posses-y to a type of character driven piece about what happens to this other nun after she leaves. The lady did great and the store manager was a good character with a good voice and even Sean Gunn was in here which was surprising since I don’t think I’ve ever seen him outside of one of his brother’s movies but what happened to the older priest and the commercial TV guy and for real, what happened to Agnes? I think the lady really acted it up well and it was real and all but I sure didn’t expect things to kind of go so flat.

It’s no spoiler since it happens in the middle but they are doing their exorcism and things aren’t going great so Mary there up and leaves and we catch up with her later and she’s got an apartment and a job at the grocery store and a maybe handsy boss and then she gets a second job and mopes around and we learn she lost a kid and that’s why she nunned it up and then she runs into Gunn’s role as a comedian and i thought he did a good job since when I saw his name I figured he’d be doing some sort of motion capture as the devil or something but nope he does stand up and turns out he knew Agnes there’s this and that and then they have a big talk at the deli i was mentioning earlier and then it’s just kind of uneventfully over. All right. Well, good job folks I wish the whole movie had been like the first part.

Here’s a story about the deli they were in (kind of). When I moan about this part of my life that I had a hard time in, I went through this messy divorce and lived in an old apartment built in the 30s in kind of a run down part of town. There was a Mexican food place within walking distance where i could go get loaded and walk home but on the weekends it would get busy with people so I had to find a place where I could go be depressed and wallow in pity on my day off. About – well exactly 24 blocks away was this place that had a deli and right next to it in the same building was this old bar that just old sad men went to and smoke cigarettes and cigars and get drunk and mourn things and we played Frank Sinatra on the juke box and were just generally sad and alone. I always thought it was called “The Whiskey” but I actually think it might have been called “Somewhere Else” but I spent quite a few days in there rotting my gut out on cheap house whiskey and smoking cigarettes and wondering how I messed things up so bad and how could I make things right and anyway here it is although my old bar is a cookie shop, it seems:

FILED UNDER: MAN I THOUGHT THIS WAS GOING TO BE ONE OF THOSE MOVIE I AND ONLY I LOVE AND NO ONE ELSE KNOWS ABOUT IT AND WE WOULD HAVE OUR SECERETS AND BE BFFS AND MAYBE HAVE INSIDE JOKES AND SECRET HANDSHAKES AND MAYBE EVEN OUR OWN CODE LANGUAGE AND REMEMBER WHENS AND THEN THINGS JUST KIND OF CHANGED ON ME IN THE MIDDLE OF THE GAME LIKE MOST OR ANY OF MY OLD RELATIONSHIPS AND THINGS JUST KIND OF PETERED OUT UNEVENTFULLY

AND JUST WHEN YOU THOUGHT THIS POST WAS OVER, THERE’S MORE!

This diagram is growing and growing and likely manifesting itself somewhere near you. Like in your closet or under your bed or outside your bedroom window, not that I would know of course because I’m not that creepy but I’m just guessing. There’s a street light outside in between my front yard and the neighbor’s and I swear I’ve seen something out there staring in this direction like you see in all of those old Exorcist posters. Was it a physical rendering of this flowchart or was it – well – let’s not speak that name. Naturally, I wish you all good fortunes and protection and safe passages and I hope that whatever or whoever you believe in is fair and here is our latest version of the chart:

Our very good friend Michi @ Random Movie Musings has unveiled a thing that appears to involve the blood of Christ which I don’t think I would have seen coming but I have to say that I like that idea. I’ve only ever seen one or two of the Conjuring movie universe things so I’m not familiar but I like the way that sounds. Thank you Michi as always and I look forward to whatever spits our way next.