I don’t know if I should put this out there here ahead of time but I’d seen this one before, a couple of times, and I love it every time Note: I don’t know why I do but I just do and that’s all I’ve got. Will you? Who knows? It’s got the things you probably think you remember happening in old slasher camp movies but they might not actually be there like that time everyone thought the hateful eight was a good movie but you hate that mother goose or like that time you were at the arcade and you caught a girl looking at you and smiling and you got all excited and then it dawned on you that you were itching your buttcrack or like that time you and your friend Chris drank beer for like forty days and nights in a row and you don’t remember why but you were at the college library (?) and he farted in the elevator and it smelled like rotten meat or something and while you were literally gagging the doors opened and he got out and this person came in and obviously thought it was you who defiled the place and while you were thinking about how to get out of that situation intact you noticed it was one of your first girlfriends the first one who let you – um – er – uhhhh – whazzing blazaam with her in that movie theater and the first time you ever – uh – well – urrr – whazzblooey around someone and that couldn’t have been a more awkward time and you really just now thought of that library thing after thirty something years while writing a story about a movie called Bloody Bloody Bible Camp. You never saw that one coming, did you, young and skinny Eric Undead?

Kind of like this. Kind of:

Another note: I feel like if you’re offended by anything you should probably skip this one. Well – I absolutely hate movies where they kill the dog and don’t usually write about them or woman violence movies out here but this thing is full of about every type of crude humor you can think of. I mean for real, everything. Here are a few examples:

Jesus’ Penis

Losing virginity via other means

Boys and priests

Poop and guts

Maybe lesbians

Holy water from peeps

Boners

Spanish Fly

Butts

Untrimmed – um – stuff

Dope

A mentally handicapped man writing on a chalkboard: “I hate when he talks!” complains his brother

I don’t know if the name rings a bell like it did in the 70s and 80s but Ron Jeremy plays Jesus

And that’s just what I can think of right now.

In (I think) the 70s a bunch of younger people go to Bible Camp to do praying but mostly do ludes and screw. This is the extended opening and there’s not much more than nudity and people getting murdered over the credits and it’s kind of awesome. The effects are practical and the shorts are really short and someone whips his hog thinking about (I think) Diana Ross but I could be wrong. Maybe it was Twiggy. Or Marie Osmond but either way I thought all that was good fun and squishy and still held up for me all these years later.

Speaking of years later, in the movie, some years later a new group of people wanting to prey and worship and get laid show up, including Father Cummings who wants to buy the whole place. These characters get more fleshed out in as much fleshing out as you can get that they are extreme stereotypes of characters like the girl who figures out a way to have sex because of a loophole which happens to be her – uh – well – um – a different area than usual and of the guy named Tad who flexes a lot and often and does chin-ups and tells himself how straight he is. “If Father Cummings catches you drinking beer he’ll have your ass. Again.” Says someone.

Elsewhere, Sister Mary Chopper cuts her hands and prays for forgiveness! “You’ll never be anything you useless piece of shit!!” Screams an eyepatch wearing nun through flashback. “You suck and eat shit go fuck yourself you little douchebag no one wants you or your pee peep you might as well just die!”

I would hate to spoil how this one ends and who saves the day so we’ll close this one up.

FILED UNDER: FUCK YEAH SON AND SPANISH FLY AND SONGS ABOUT JESUS AND JERUSALEM SNAKES AN-

But!! Wait! More importantly! An updated diagram with an inclusion from a very good friend of this place – Michi @ Random Movie Musings one of my favorite places to read, postulating what may have caused this blight of bad nun movies that have lead us all down this path we’ve chosen this summer. Solemnly and with what dignity I have left, I wave my thurible around the aisles in the hope of good blessings as she analyzes The Conjuring 2:

As always and piously, thanks abound to Michi and our friend at The Devil’s DVD Bin who, I think, may or may not be seeking truth and enlightenment in the local grain elevator. Maybe!

Bless us!