Since we are effectively keeping a record here, I should put it on there that I’m really not familiar with this franchise that much aside from knowing it exists and that Gregory Peck was in one and Sam Neill was in one and I saw one with Liev Schrieber in it and the anti christ and I remember it made me scared of Dobermans (I think) when I walked past someone watching it once when I was a kid and why was Atticus Finch in a devil movie and remember my mom’s side are Catholics and my dad’s Baptists and a devil movie scared me too much when I was little and when I grew out of all that so to speak I never really cared and there’s this gag reel piece in Cannonball Run 2 where Burt Reynolds threatens to tear off this priest’s “bleads”but he means “beads” and this priest responds with “you mean these fucking bleads??” and they all have a good laugh and I always thought that was Gregory Peck but I just looked and it’s Dean Martin and ok ok but now I watched this and I really kind of liked it a lot. Haha these fucking bleads.

I remember hearing about this at some point in my past and forgot all about it because I was never into it – kind of like Planking – and some other period of time before I watched this my good friend wrote a little about it here and got me thinking about those fucking bleads and I coincidentally happened to see it for free and since we all know there are no coincidences I took it upon myself to watch it and hey look there’s a shitpot full of nuns in this thing so WHEE it fits my nun-o-rama thing that’s been going on out here so BINGPOT! and YAY let’s boogie.

In The Very First Omen, the prophet Shemaiah foretold that “Man Should not Fight Against His Brothers Lest Hell Overtake The Land Of Man” and this prevented a great war because of great omen-ing – this is all well recorded. What seems to have slipped through the cracks of time as our ancestors moved from telling stories and parables to writing things down is what Shem also had to say; and this movie seems to really capture it all for todays modern audience. “A man shall not fornicate with his own offspring!” he begins, waving a stick around, “lest he begat an unholy thing of hate and disease!” He adds that “the abominable child of lust and the depraved laying of seed which findeth purchase among its own ancestors shall be forbade from enjoyeth upon the sands of man or enter upon the waterth (sic) of the earth or taketh of the flesh of blessed beasts or drinkers from the urnth (sic) of thine fathers or the teats of thine mothers especially thine teats for that blasphemous atrocity belongeth under the ground to lyeth (sic) unnursed (sic) until at which timeth man shalt ariseth to slay it before it nurseth the teat.” Shemaiah 3:53

Wow that’s some piece of scripture they failed to put in the canonical texts. He was sure interested in the teat it seems. Huh. Oh well I guess it’s not my business. In more modern times, according to this movie which I only assume is based on the truth from the 70s, a young looking nun lady is brought to Rome to care for kids in an orphanage under the wizened and cruel eyes of other nun ladies. There, despite her holiness, we are lead to assume she gets drunk and laid and bears witnesses to some things young nun ladies should have to see in an orphanage while tutoring children. Like people burning alive and something claw like coming out of an um er uh well um er um lady part. Oh and she may or may not get that uh laid part by the devil.

More importantly than teats and hoohaws, I really did like the way this was staged to be very 70s-ish – it wasn’t all disco and orgies, you know. I was a kid in the 70s and I remember lots of sunshine and happiness and listening to records and riding my bike and my first dog White Socks and my grandparents and Star Trek and Doctor Who and big thanksgiving dinners and birthday parties and all of that stuff but of course right now I also remember constant spankings and getting yelled at for bothering people so it wasn’t all rosey I guess and of course that time my mom and I walked into that house full of tarantulas and she started screaming her brains out and I’ve been scared of spiders ever since but in general I remember the 70s as a good, happy time. But probably not for the people in this true story we’re talking about today.

This one lady hates things so much she pours gasoline all over herself and catches herself on fire in what I thought was a very good scene. I wasn’t really expecting it so I was surprised and it looked good and not like shit so thumbs up emoji to the film people good job well done sport here’s one to go down your leg and here’s to a fast dollar. And what about that poor son of a bitch that got hit by the car. I didn’t see that one happening either and I kind of really liked it. I don’t know I think I kind of really liked all of it honestly. Except for maybe some over stimulation there as we got to the big money scene but hmm heh – I can get over that. And no matter what happens, my war with commas continues.

But I suppose it’s time to wrap this up so I guess we should end with another quote from scripture, Shemaiah 4:3 – “He that taketh from the teat of another man shalt not consumeth or lay upon that man’s teat for a ten sunsets lest that teat bear unholy spirits which indeedeth calleth upon the hideous and ungodly creatures from the depths of the seas or the dirt and (as Onan sinned) no man shall spilleth his seed upon the dirt lest the lord strike him dead or lame or filled with blindness and unable to seek the teat of those that deserveth the holy massaging which man is allowed to layeth upon his sacred wife in such a manner as the teat alloweth.”

FILED UNDER: MY WAR AGAINST AUTOCORRECT AND COMMAS

BUT!! WAY MORE IMPORTANTLY! It’s time for our updated diagram as we continue Our Design to make sense of it all. Our good friend at The Devil’s DVD Bin has unearthed another chapter in this book of nuns that involves questions marks on foreheads and boys getting in trouble for being dirty!

Proudly presenting, for your bulging, questioning eyes! And brains! Demonia: