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A nun is called upon by a cop to interrogate a man who survived a cave-in at a Grotto who insists the nun is in league with or being harangued and followed by a demon thing that walks around convents in the background but also apparently lives in a cursed cave where people maybe or maybe not crawl deep underground to burn candles in the pitch black with no way to get back to the surface. Wait. Is that right? The director or DP or crew work really hard to create an eerie sense of tension and fear by creating a thunderous storm outside a convent which they go out of their way to show how dark and creepy those old religious constructions are with their wooden cherubs and angry angel woodcuts so the nun in question uses her turned on electric bedside lamp to strike her matches and light her candle so she can go walking around in the dark all scared and shit. Right? Wait… a man rises from a florescent pool of water, he’s deep within a cave – a grotto – a large amount of time is spent focused on his erection, filmed from different angles, glistening in the light – a reaction to oxygen caused by microorganisms in bat feces – it is pointed and the viewer is lead to believe it is ready for business; he wades out of the pool, somehow there’s enough room for him to walk upright, this seems to last 30 minutes until he reaches the cave entrance, in Portuguese, he screams “I am a man and I am coming out of this burdensome and oppressing womb!” We watch as he walks off into the nearest town, his gigantic testicles swinging between his muscular brown legs.

Only one of those things is not true! Which one am I pulling your leg with? Do people still say that? “Quit pulling my leg!” Let’s see if I can present this to you in a way in which your legs won’t be pulled by me or anyone else for that matter! Maybe no one should ever have their leg pulled? Or do you think that’s something you might like? “Hey do you wanna go out to the movies and dinner Friday and maybe later at my apartment we could lie on the floor and I can pull your leg?” I never tried that move when I was younger. Let’s see what my ai drawing tool I call Steve Loggins thinks about that. One sec.

Here’s my prompt “man pulling woman’s leg”:

What do you think about that? I’ll let its grotesqueness sink on for a minute. To be fair, that was the third try – the first one looked like a yoga pose and the second like some sort of violent crime so we’ll go with this. How does that look after all we’ve been through so far today? Like fun? Like a normal night at the Eric Undead blog’s house? Let’s try it again, shall we?

Same prompt:

I’m not sure what’s happening around there but at least everyone seems happy or at least pretending to be. But wait – oh yeah –

The Grotto is one of the worst movies I’ve seen in years. Totally worse than The Bad Nun which was the worst of all of these. Some nun goes to see if some guy thinks he’s possessed after he killed everyone after a mine collapsed. Is he? You won’t give a shit. Half of the thing is a flashback down in a cave with people wearing only head lamps so the lighting is literally and truly the worst. The dubbing or ADR is just awful and even the lighted scenes seem to shift between HD and something like 420p. I had a terrible terrible time with this and you can get everything you ever need about this movie from the poster at the top and forget you ever met it. And that’s not a challenge like I’m daring you to do it – it’s that sucky so let’s move on. It’s easy to dog on things we don’t like but this one really didn’t work for me and no matter how many times I paused it to think about something or anything else there was ALWAYS 38 minutes left. Skeleton emoji ugh die.

So what else can we talk about that’s more fun than that? How about this thing I made a while back of “woman on beach drinking a can of beer”. For context, my friend that showed me this image generation shit (that I’m having fun with) was making fun of me because I like to have a beer with my dinner and it’s usually in a can and it’s cheap so I did one for “old man drinking a can of beer on a beach” and it was kind of close to something I wrote about earlier – think about that for a second – so I did this woman one and:

Just look at that right hand.

Talking about anything else is better than thinking about The Grotto. Let’s see what else I have in my images. Here’s one with a funny story behind it:

Down in the basement where we work there’s one toilet – well two – one for each type here and the men’s is ALWAYS OCCUPIED ALWAYS SOMEONE IN THERE SHITTING ALWAYS GRUNTING AND SHITTING so we call it The Ass (Always Someone Shitting) and one day my friend sent me a picture of a guy sitting on a toilet screaming and there was something coming out of the toilet between his legs that looked like a sock or something and the first thing that came to mind was the guy either shit in his sock and was trying to flush it or he did what most teenage boys go or used to do and whipped off in a sock and was trying to hide it or something – I’ll see if I can find that pic – so and I really don’t know why I prompted a picture of “woman holding sock” and got the image up above. It seems nice enough until you realize she’s holding a severed (?) foot and she has five non thumb fingers. I was going to use it as a picture for my headers but I forgot to do landscape cry cry cry

Here’s what he sent me in comparison:

What kind of underwear is that guy wearing? Is that sone of it that’s creeping back out through the front? Is that a place for his peep? I don’t know but, still better than The Grotto.

FILED UNDER: CHRIST THAT WAS A BAD MOVIE AND MAYBE IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN BURIED IN THAT CAVE AND ALSO FILED UNDER:

More importantly!! Here’s our updated diagram! This is really heating up and shit’s getting real! Another amazing thanks to The Devil’s DVD Bin for his excellent and thorough research into the matter and we present here Nude Nuns With Big Guns – a true gem of a picture. And that’s not all we’ve got in store…… isn’t that called foreshadowing? Thank you so much, sir! For The Arts!