I feel like I’ve been dogging on Eli Roth for most of my life and it all started when he tried to do acting in Inglorious Basterds. I liked Cabin Fever except for the parts he was in and liked Hostel except for his part but then I B came out and I started a strange and powerful dislike for him and everything he does and it all got worse and worse with that absolutely fucking terrible Knock Knock movie with Keanu Reeves and I HATED Green Inferno and he did some kid’s movie and then I heard him running his mouth on some radio I was listening to one morning on the way to work and Christ man won’t you leave me the fuck alone I never did anything to you man and then he made this and I was all fuck man no more won’t you stop and I watched it the other day on my day off and I kind of loved it and to me it’s easily the best thing he’s ever done. My only big big complaint would be Patrick Dempsey and that’s really just because I’ve never really liked that squirrely little guy since he was a short teenager but I was able to get over it and I thought this movie was good fun with a lot of gory good fun-ness. Kind of like in that one episode of The Critic where Orson Welles is doing the commercial for the frozen peas that are delicious and filled with green pea-ness. Maybe like that.

Did you like the original trailer? The one from back in the day? I did and I can report that a lot of that is in here – the parade with the turkey and the human that appears to have been cooked and, yep, the trampoline scene although I remember it going a little differently the first time around (hint: what have you done to solange) so that’s not quite there but Roth and his buddies have it all put together and it was pretty good. High fives and butt slaps I guess. And mustache rides.

I don’t normally do relatively new mainstream movies out here so: are you familiar with this? A guy in an ummmmmmmmm pilgrim outfit is going around killing people who say fuuuuuuuuuuuuck you every other second. Or is it fUck you? Or fUUUUck you? How do you do an umlaut in WordPress? “hi good to see you” “fuuuuuuuuuck you!” “That’s a nice looking haircut you got” “fuuuuuuuuuuuck you” “would you like a pot pie?” “fuuuuuck you and your fucking mother”. “Would you like a fucking lager to go with your fucking fish you fucking bag of fucking human shit” “fuuuuuck you and fuck yes you fucking fuckwad here’s a fucking nickel tip fuck you” What a nice place Boston must be. That totally reminds me of New Jersey. Although I do admit that the people doing these characters in this movie are attractive and the people I encountered in Jersey were not. Not to say that no one in New Jersey is good looking or pleasant, I’m sure there are, I just didn’t run into any. And I spent a year and a half traveling in and out of that fucking place.

So yeah, a guy going around killing people we assume as revenge for a death in a Black Friday type of riot thing. Lots of blood and gooey sticky squishy shit flies all over the place. I think the best part was when this guy driving a truck gets impaled and the passengers, two kids I think, keep getting squirted all over the place in the cab of that truck. That and when they’re setting up the big finale and they use that deep bass music to try and build up something ominous and it’s a giant inflatable turkey. 👍

Like this inflated turkey:

But let’s go back to New Jersey. I was a contractor and that contract was up in 2019 so… five years. Did I like anyone there? Not really. Every single person there was mean and grumpy and literally ran everywhere they went and I hated it every second but I’m trying to think. I did like this one lady who served me beer and food at this horrible place called Ruby Tuesday. I don’t remember her name but she was nice and not just because she brought me food and beer. My hotel was in this business district and there was REALLY one fucking place to eat and it was Ruby Tuesday and they were always out of food. It never failed. “Can I get the steak and shrimp?” “Nope sorry honey all out” “how about the ribs and chicken” “nope sorry sweetheart” “what do you have?” “Hamburgers and whatever’s left in the salad bar”.

And since it was a business district no one lived there so it was all travelers like me and if you HAD to sit next to someone because there was NOWHERE ELSE and someone made talking on you and it was ohmygod what a terrible time. I mean if you’re the ONLY place in town with food wouldn’t you order some more or up the par line we used to say back when I ran that restaurant. For Pete’s fucking sake. Since I know you are concerned with the history of my well being and how I survived those wastelands, eventually I learned there was a Holiday Inn about a half mile away that had a restaurant / bar inside the hotel and it was a miracle compared to Ruby Tuesday. It still sucked ass but it was doable.

THANKSGIVING FILED UNDER: NOT TOO BAD AT ALL BUT YOU STILL NEED TO GET OFF MY TITS ELI ROTH

NEW JERSEY FILED UNDER: GO FUCK YOURSELF

I mean, have you ever lived in a hotel for a year and a half? Home on the weekends but it’s really hard to just do one day at home and then fly back. Have you ever had to buy groceries for one day? I guess – no I know – things could always be MUCH worse and this is a stupid problem I had when people have it a lot worse but womp womp womp poor me. I remember the first night I flew in there and rented a car and was trying to find my way to Somerset and I took the wrong turn and this was the earlier days of phone GPS and I guess my signal was shit and I saw New York and I shit myself (not really this time) and I pulled over to get my bearing and the GPS told me I was in some sort of swampland or something and I shit myself (not really) but I finally made it to the hotel and I was all “can I get a beer” and the lady laughed at me like I was some sort of imbecile because they don’t sell beer there after six or something on Sundays but there was this Ruby Tuesday across this busy street and I got my beer and I don’t remember what I got to eat but I probably didn’t like it – maybe a bland ass pork chop with no spice and they were probably out of anything like hot sauce and I couldn’t sleep because the bed sucked and man what a terrible experience. And then I did it for another 18 months. Cry cry cry.

So, to put it in perspective, Thanksgiving the movie was a lot better than that.