Oh boy. Here we are. Awwww shit. The sequel to the one that got me into this mess. A follow up to one of the poorer movies I’ve really ever seen. I honestly find it hard to believe that Bad Nun garnered enough interest or made enough money to warrant a sequel but here it is and —– ok – I’m all about honesty and fair play and good english and honest pool so —- this one wasn’t really AS BAD as the first but the first was fucking terrible so it could only be better, right? Right? Well, I guess so. There was something a worker friend said to me once a few years ago about a software deployment that went through over the weekend – a patch to fix some things that were broken and no one could do their jobs effectively. When I came in the next morning and asked how everything was running he said “It’s not worse” which was a mild improvement from where they were at before and I think that sums up this one: it’s not worse.

Do you remember what I wrote about Bad Nun? Probably not so I’ll recap: a woman goes to some cottage or something to have sex with a stranger and ends up dead for her sins. Another woman gets sent to the same piece of land and masonry and gets harassed by a nun and sees a French woman peeing. Her friend is hung by the neck somehow and she escapes the bad nun by crying and then locking him in a church. The movie spends a good. solid amount of time focusing on a shiny, brass door lock. Oh – and the killer was a guy dressed as a nun who could whisper like an old lady and I think he was killing women who like to have sex because he was abused by a nun when he was a kid in 1974. I think. At least that’s what I gathered from the video tape of an old camera recording they played over and over and over.

But that movie is in the past so let’s see what we’ve got here – oh look! Let’s drop in on our survivor from the first one:

If we recall, she was sent off to the bogs because she had too much sex and drinking and ran afoul of a dude in a nun outfit but lived to tell her story. Now she lives somewhere with some dude and takes sad baths and melancholy-ly rubs the scar where she got stabbed. One night, out of the blue a nun shows and politely knocks on the door asking to be let in and when no one lets her in she comes in anyway and kills them. Sad sad tear face.

Elsewhere, a trio of three people intended to be gradmamma, mom and daughter arrive at one of those English cottages or something out in the middle of nowhere where they’re going to live after someone cheated on someone and they had to leave home. It must be some of that good, English living because they don’t look that far apart in age but anyway wouldn’t you fucking know it some nun shows up knocking on their locked door asking to be let in but they don’t do shit like that and instead get a gift of old and rotten cookies. I don’t have the old design software I used to have on this laptop but if I had something that I didn’t have to go learn and could put a word balloon on this next picture it would say something like “Look dearie, grandmamma would probably have to be about 80 to be the same woman in those videotapes they keep showing over and over and over again in this movie and maybe I am because I eat my vegetables and drink wine all day. Now let that be a lesson to you, thanks and bollocks.” And then another one with: “You wanker.” And then another one with “I wonder if any french people will pee in this one?”

So this nun keeps showing up and they keep turning her away even though I thought all British people were nice and warm and welcoming and then the nun is somewhere else in a flash like she or he is using a Star Trek transporter and I’ll let you think for two seconds about how that’s possible and then there’s the big showdown and in an amazing lack of creativity this ends with the antagonist locked in a church just like last time. But this time someone does mutter something witty like ‘god have mercy on your soul’ or something.

But this place is really about being fair and if i have to say anything this is actually better than the first one in that it doesn’t spend half of the movie focusing on brass door locks and does have some decent shots even if they don’t last for very long. There also seems to be some decent motivation behind why this is happening other than “I’m hanging you because I was abused as a boy” but now that I type that up and think about it that’s really what’s kind of happening here I guess and I’m too lazy to go back and change things. Maybe there’s more of a reason that these people are being targeted other than “you seem like you like to have soggy british sex so you have to get killed to purify your soul even if it’s because you were standing in front of a door and you’re a french.” Maybe that’s it.

To summarize: three British women move to a British farmhouse where a certain number of British person or persons dress as nuns and kill them deader than fuck or scare them by locking them in a car and dangling the cars keys outside of the window like that’s the alpha move everyone’s been worrying about since cars were invented.

FILED UNDER: STILL TERIBLE BUT SOMEHOW NOT AS BAD AS THE LAST ONE WITH A SUBFILING OF MAN THAT PRIEST IS PISSED AND WHAT DO THE BRITISH HAVE GOING ON ABOUT DOOR LOCKS AND IS SOMETHING WEIRD OVER THERE THAT PEOPLE CAN GET LOCKED INSIDE A CAR?

Our updated diagram:

I hope that you’ve pleased noticed that there’s a nun movie up in the top right of our diagram rendered by none other than our good friend over at The Devil’s DVD Bin! I applaud him for collaborating with me here and spoilers: there’s some more coming up! I feel like this is hotter than Janet Wood in her yoga outfit and that’s a Three’s Company reference and to me that’s a big compliment. If you want to be even more spoilered, he fleshes this and a few other things out in this epic post HERE.

This diagram is getting great and I’m pumped to keep it growing. And that’s not a euphemism.