Part iii in the book of the bad nuns? 3 right? let me go check my library. Yes, “that’s correct my child” blesses my priest, anointing me with the blood of the savior. “Be saved.” He splashes me with blessed water. It burns my skin. “Be CLEANED!” He yells. “BE WASHED!” I’m not really sure where that was going or what the shit was happening there but I feel better and I smell fresh and maybe even a little buzzed for some reason. “YOU HAVE TAKEN THE DEVIL INTO YOUR MOUTH!!” He accuses, pointing into the air with one hand and swishing me with smoke from his gadget in the other. “OUT UNCLEAN! ROT!! EFFLUVIUM!!”

Which brings me to this series I’m working on. I really am an optimist and initially try and hope to see the good in things or even people but so far I haven’t had good luck in my movies about nuns project. I don’t think I’ve ever really been around any nuns except for some that used to work in the lobby at the local hospital. When I was a kid my grandma took me to a monastery somewhere around here (I think) but I’m really not sure why. That’s been so long ago. Now that I think about it maybe she donated food or stuff to them? I don’t remember but my rambling point is that maybe I thought these things would be more fun? Well you know what, thinking about all of that too, my Dad’s religious side wasn’t very fun and dealt with me with constant spankings, bible reading and doing chores so that wasn’t fun. My mom’s side was catholic so HOURS at church and living with my guilt and shames so that wasn’t much fun either I suppose so I guess these are all starting to make sense I guess mm hmmm I get it and I beg for mercy and pity.

In The Parish a nun likes to slink around in the background of different shots and go around shooshing people the whole time. “Ssssh sssssssh sssssh” she shushes, shushingly. But I suppose, honestly and truly, this wasn’t too bad and no one cut their own tongue off or ate food out of someone else’s mouth so that’s a bonus.

In this movie a melancholy lady and her melancholy daughter move to Oregon after the father is killed in what appears to be Army-ing over in the Middle East. A day after they eat dinner and the girl farts which is the only truly fun thing about this, she starts interacting with some strange kid and I bet you don’t have to think real hard or even make more than one of two guesses that the kid is a ghost. Or – the kid is a ghost! But he’s not allowed to do much because a nun is over there shushing him. Or she’s over there or she’s passing a doorway down the hall or she’s standing behind you while you’re drawing all the while quietly indicating you should shut your fucking mouth.

And then, crap, the mom is seeing ghosts too – her dead husband, a giant man in a boiler room, a nun; so she heads to the local priest for help. I really liked the actor playing this character and I thought he was the best part of this thing aside from the bit about the fart because who doesn’t like fart sequences? I also think he looks familiar and I need to go look him up I suppose but hey yeah good job sir. Together, in maybe two days, these two figure out some sort of gruesome secret from back in the past that no one could figure out 60 years ago so fuck yeah you go girl super detective balls out baby!

I wonder if I should do my hair like that guy. Hmmm probably not. That does remind me that there is another cool part aside from the farting chinese food bit – it occurs there about when he’s waving his hand around but it won’t make anything that much better better, I doubt.

FILED UNDER: NOT TOO BAD IF YOU LIKE TO GET SHUSHED BECAUSE SOMEONE MIGHT LEARN YOUR SECRETS YOU SON OF A BITCH

Want to join us and add something to the diagram? I have about 15 of these things queued up to watch and at my speed that will take about a year so there’s no rush and no deadlines and no pressure and no parking fees and very little cholesterol and it’s a pet friendly environment and there’s no hidden taxes or finders fees and there’s no roaming charges.