At some point in my life and the life of this place I took it upon myself I subjected myself I pissed on my own grave I tried to jump the Snake River Canyon and my parachute caught on fire I paid for my Shames by watching all of the Children of the Corn movies for Halloween one year. I really didn’t like ANY of them at all and when I was wrapping that up there was a new one being made or some such shit about a girl this time around and something or something but I wasn’t going to pay any of my good money for that horse shit so that’s been dangling out in front of my ocd for a couple of years now and here we are. I know that the conception is that the tenth movie of a franchise of sorts can’t be any good but I think I remember liking that last one the best of them all especially considering I hated most of them but that’s one thing I try to live by and teach us that you have to watch the good AND the bad to keep things in perspective so that 10th one? Yeah I’ve seen worse, like the nine before it. So here is number eleven and what did I get for my fucking troubles?

I thought this one was pretty bad even by my standards – my standards with which I’ve set the bar very very low for many things up to and including: writing and making a movie. So I always have to be fair and give credit that someone wrote this and someone financed this maybe with the designs of a tax write off and someone cast it and someone directed it and all of that good stuff but they also made a movie where some teenagers must all have super strength and can be everywhere at once and little girls can incite murder and someone gave the green light to a bad guy made out of corn stalks and leaves that you can kill by stabbing it in his empty corn stalk eye. Oops sorry spoilers there sorry. I wouldn’t put this on your watch list if you had the choice because i didn’t really see much good in it so instead of a spoiler maybe I just summed it up for you there. “Arooooooooo!” cries corn stalk monster after getting stabbed. “ Aroooooooo!” And adds “ouch my fucking eye you poked me in my fucking eye.” That last part isn’t true it’s something my friend and I used to say a long long time ago when we got drunk all day and then I pushed him in the street and poked his eye and broke his sunglasses. My eye my fucking eye! Man I crack myself up.

In total honesty I started this thing off one night when I was making dinner for myself and don’t really remember what happened in the first ten or so minutes other that there were some dead people in a building and I thought it wasn’t going to be too bad. Then some teenage chick is walking around a cornfield talking to some kid she’s leaving behind to go to college and she knows the answers to everything like she’s lived a whole life behind her and understands taxes and mortgages and when your loved ones die and loss and having to work for a living but the corn is a dying crop and she’s leaving this one stop light fucking town and she’ll think about you when she beats off and she’ll call you if she gets work. Lucky for them they run across a bunch of six or seven year old kids getting ready to kill some teenager for something or other that escapes me but they stop that thank heavens and the stage is set for these children of the corn town to get revenge on their parents who sinned against the corn.

The first step to getting this Vindicta Sanctus is by stopping in at the local town hall meeting. “Tear down the crops!” Says someone. “No the crops died because you’re unwholesome!” Says the pilot guy from The Road Warrior. “The crops died because you sinned against the corn” says a little girl and then the movie spends several long minutes showing the adults laughing their fucking asses off at the stupid kid who opened her big mouth. “I just shit my pants!!” Laughs one of them putting his hand over his overall covered butt and running off to the outhouse. “Fuck me runnin’! Hahahahaha!!” “Oooooo ooooo ooooo” the girl glowers, “fuck you runnin’ is right”

And before you know it these little kids have imprisoned every adult in town and set fire to property and cars and graffiti-ed the walls and hung someone and taken a hostage and dug a giant hole in the ground. “Eat my shit!!” She screams and sleeping gases all of the imprisoned adults they then drag, I guess, and bury in the giant hole. “Don’t fuck with the corn!”

“Cry cry cry” cries the know it all girl from the movie poster at the top. “Cry cry cry” as the kids pour gallons and gallons of gas on her. “Cry cry cry” she cries as the corn stalk monster threatens her and –

* interlude * there’s this sequence where, at the beginning of this shit, those kids going to hang that one guy are having some sort of dance and stomp party on top of some abandoned car out in the cornfield. Here towards the end – our heroine stabs the corn monster and fires up the engine to get the fuck out of there, ripping through the corn field like any good movie involving corn should. Once she hits the road that will lead her out of town, wouldn’t you know it the head little girl creep girl is sitting in the back of it with one of those pneumatic cattle guns that smashes into their brains and kills them instantly. “You’re hosed!” She says. “Can I just have one last cigarette?” doused in gas girl asks, referring to the open pack of smokes on the dashboard, just sitting there after everything that cars been through the last few minutes. “Ok sure” the kid agrees tapping the gun on her thigh. “Thanks” says the other one and fires up her smoke with a car lighter and then sets the whole fucking place on fire

– “see you in hell you corn-fucking pieces of shit!!” She yells giving everyone the finger. Later, surveying the burned to hell cornfield she steps on a rake and the handle flies up and cracks her skull open and she falls to the ground bleeding into the hungry soil setting up a sequel the little girl shows up half burned to a crisp and mutters something about how no one can ever leave and the corn will always know and the know it all character catches fire and screams her fucking brains out. End. I won’t strike-through either of those endings and let you guess which one really happens.

FILED UNDER: WORSE THAN THE DRAFT BEER SHITS AND TRULY TERRIBLE AND CALL IF YOU GET WORK