Someone might remember that I teased this concept / theme / exciting news several posts ago, or maybe not, who knows but my first movie into this nun project is some kind of mixture of carbonated horse pis – wait – no. “Tell me about your butthole,” says the psychologist, whispering, eyeing you. No that’s not it either. Maybe -> nothing says you’ll love this movie like a poorly paintbrushed poster of a person with fake, glowing eyes staring at you. Maybe if the mouth of that individual was stretched open like Lake Michigan we could truly expect something epic but that isn’t what we got and I guess it’s my fault for doing this to myself. I don’t remember what really got us to this point in the first place but something unlucky happened to me and I added a bunch of nun movies to my queue and thought man I’ll watch all of these, what a great idea, and here we sit today reflecting on The Bad Nun which is, no doubt, a terrible thing that makes this euphemism come to mind: so bad it’s not even worth putting anything into your popcorn hole. But we have to be fair so let’s quit with all of that and do quality reporting even though we all know none of my writing is quality anything but we press on anyway, in defiance.

I’ve watched some British horror over the last couple of years and talked about them out here and I really really hated them if I’m honest and feel like they’re all married together or from the same family or town or general location and they all do it with each other like those blue people from Kentucky and keep making very similar but uninteresting and poor I mean hey man they’re not for me but seriously bad movie babies. I’m looking at you Halloween Jack and Borley Rectory and Mother Krampus which, OMFG, I’ll need to come back to in a little bit but I just don’t know what’s going on over there sometimes or anytimes and christ what do I know? All of these things seem to have been made with super excellent technology cameras and are mostly very well lit but the things seem to be wretchedly poor from a quality or substance standpoint. Maybe the crown people gave them all some sort of endowment and they split the money on some Super HD No Wanker Lenses and share them all over the place or something when maybe they could spend some time on the screenplay? I don’t know and they don’t care and they’ve got their money and they eat their cakes and light their cigars with 100 Pound Sterling notes and bollocks the arse and whatever else is going on but The Bad Nun and its counterparts are pretty poor. At least to me I guess while I sit around arseing my arse.

This bad boy starts off showing us a recording with a timestamp of 1974 (I think) and a nun touching a young boy’s face and saying ‘aren’t you a strong boy’ (I think). This repeats over and over and over and over and over and over for quite some time until the opening credits start and we drop in on a lady being invited by text to go eat or maybe have soggy British sex with some stranger. She says sure why not, grabs a rubber and heads off to some remote house somewhere out in the fields and bogs of wherever, where she’s promptly stabbed and that character is deader than fuck. Nice to know you, don’t online date and a nun says something like “her soul is saved now” or something and all of that has nothing to do with anything at all except for maybe introducing us to a well waxed door and a shiny door knob that will be prevalent later.

Next up an English chick is getting sent to a Bed and Breakfast by her mom. “You party too much and do soggy British sex.” she says and she’s whisked away via cab to a house out in the fields and bogs that has a nicely waxed door and a shiny doorknob. “No Wi-Fi here,” says the pleasant Englishman who runs the place. “Will you please look after my daughter while I leave?” “Sure,” she responds without a second thought and then gets startled by a random French girl pissing in the hall bathroom. “King Charles’ nads!” She screams. “Oui oui toilette!” The other lady explains. “Dont mind her,” says the only other cast member.

Uhhmm should I go into the whole movie like this? Probably not. This entire thing is stupid I mean not great i mean not for me thanks friends here’s a beer and some leftover bowling alley nachos sorry I didn’t love it. The French pee girl gets killed for walking past a door, someone gets slowly hung by the neck in the worst execution of someone getting hung by their neck I think I’ve ever seen and GREAT BIG SPOILER the quaint Englishman guy is the nun in a twist you would never care about. He talks like an old lady when he needs to and has the strength of ten men when he needs to pull someone up to the second story of a house by her neck. This was a very poor movie.

But I think the worst and most horrible thing about it was that, at one point, our heroine sits down to do something or other and watch some TV and what’s showing?? Mother Krampus!! ACK! ARF! It’s the part where the mother krampus attacks these two people in the woods and then throws this kid in a sack and carries him off. Ohmygodforreal.

FILED UNDER: THE GIRLS IN THE HOOD ARE ALWAYS HARD AND FUCKING TERRIBLE AND IF COMES WITH ITS OWN SMELL

A few years ago I watched all of the Slumber Party Massacre movies (and their siblings) and did what I think is my greatest achievement ever, I did a crime board of all of them which you could look at HERE if you felt like it.. I have an idea that I might do that again with this project, with these things. Obviously that other one took on a life of its own over the months so if I keep up this new one, it will look different as we go along but here’s a start:

Now here’s a question – would you like to contribute anything to this?