How do I start this? “TD1” (see how lazy I am?) is really one of my favorite seasons of non movie theater film-ing ever. It’s real, it’s dirty, it’s arcane and the flippy floppy way they show how everything that happened was done super well. Like hey man I LOVED it. Season two had no fucking chance in its effort to follow that up – I mean Vince Vaughn doing drama? – and I hated it when it came out but I’ve watched it since and it’s actually pretty good if you don’t compare it to the first season at all whatsoever and take the evil people hiding in the swamps out of it and replace it with a railroad conspiracy in L A, but it’s actually all right. S3 was good too if you can stand Steven Dorff and they kind of tied it into season one a little and had some of that floppy time remembering going on again and it was good and it had a guy named Scoot McNairy in it who’s one of my favorite actors these days. Then HBO fired the guy who created the show and I figured it was all over and oh well I still have season 1 and then boo surprise a new one was coming our way with boom are you sitting down Jodie Foster in the lead and it looked to be dark and gritty and maybe even some of that arcane and old timey religion thrown in and whoo hoo let’s go son let’s do it like we used to back when we were young and skinny and could still beat out a throw to first base. Right! Let’s do it!

Uhhhhhhhmmmmm well – it certainly looks nice with all of the white snow contrasting with the dark night of Alaska. Urrrrmmmm it’s HD! Errrrmmmmllllmmmm I really liked the lady that had the half fingers. Ummmm I liked the lady who played the wife of Sol Starr’s (John Hawkes) son – she seemed the most believable out of all of them! Ummmmm uuuhhhh ummmmm. Ummmmmmmm uhhhhhhhhmmmm mmmmmmhhmmmmm. Uhhhhhhhmmmmmmm.

So back in Season 1, one of the very opening visuals which set the whole thing up for me – the whole series – was this shot of this lady (dead, we know) who is naked with an antler crown, a mark on her back, posed to be worshipping or praying to either a tree or maybe something older or something else from somewhere else. At least that’s how I interpreted it and I was totally in the mood for everything the series gave me. In fact l liked it so much I once made a header for my theme on this place but never used it for some reason. If you look at that mark on her back and what we’ve got in the opening image up top for this post you’ll see they’re similar. Awesome? Maybe?? Let’s go balls out?? ?? ? ?

Now that we’re caught up, Jodie Foster and this other lady with some sort of piercing studs in her cheeks are cops in a mining town in Alaska. So there’s a mine operation, a bunch of angry citizens and a research facility out there in the snow. It’s that time of year we’re all familiar with by now where the sun don’t shine for 30 days so everything is mostly pitch black and covered with snow and moose shit; so there’s our setting. One night (or day!!?) someone in the research joint starts shaking and shivering and mutters something like “she’s awake” and then all seven or so of the research facility joint guys turn up naked and frozen solid in the snow. Frozen fucking solid. Is it magicks?? Is it foul play?? What could be up?? What’s up with the spiral symbol the show has been promoting so heavily???

*** spoilers ahead ***

Guess what, it’s none of the above!

But first – sure the show was good but… I mean we all have our problems and I know I have many in my head and otherwise but here’s some things that I couldn’t really get past:

The guy frozen fucking solid in the block of ice? Oh he was ok but lost a foot.

A lot of the script with the “Ask the questions. Ask the questions. Are you asking the right questions? What is the question? That’s not the right question.” Over and over and over and over as acted out by Foster. I wish I could have told her “shut up that’s the answer”. And I like Foster, I really do.

There’s also a brief segment with what I can describe as maybe a dancing ghost who I think is the dad of Rust from season 1 – at least they have the same last name.

There’s unrest among the native population and protests and face paint that never really goes anywhere.

There’s some sort of backstory about a car wreck that’s never fleshed out and an ice cave that you would think would be the slippiest fucking thing in the world but I guess it’s not.

But the thing I just couldn’t get over or get past or whatever you want to call it was the Jodie Foster sex scene.

“DONT YOU FUCKING STOP!!” she yells while getting a rogering from Christopher Eccleston. “DONT YOU FUCKING STOP YOU GOD DAMMED DIRTY SON OF A FUCKING BITCH!! DONT YOU FUCKING STOP UNTIL I GET MY ROCKS OFF YOU FUCKING FILTHY NO BALLED PANTY WEARING TITTY SUCKING CRYBABY PIECE OF FUCK!!! IF YOU STOP ILL BLOW YOUR FUCKING BRAINS OUT FASTER THAN YOU CAN SAY SPREAD THOSE CHEEKS YOU MOTHER FUCKING TINY DICK SHIT FACE HORSE FUCKING DONKEY! IF YOU FUCKING STOP NOW I’LL SKIN YOU ALIVE LIKE THAT TIME BACK IN 1975 WHEN WE WE WERE ALL POLECATTING UP IN THE BLUE RIDGE MOUNTAINS AND IT WAS EITHER MAKE OUR OWN LEATHERS OR FUCKING FREEZE TO DEATH YOU FUCKFACE! ARE YOU ASKING THE RIGHT QUESTIONS IF YOU WERE ASKING THE RIGHT FUCKING QUESTIONS YOU’D KNOW NOT TO FUCKING STOP!” So sexy.

Remember when Eccleston was Doctor Who?

Ah well. Snow and frozen things and natives and unrest and ice caves and they actually spend five seconds addressing what that spiral could symbolize but they forget about it literally in the same breath and move on like nothing ever happened even though that would really be something but sigh. I guess the ending was good and made sense I suppose and it was a good season if I get over myself but Foster was just kind of… I wish they would have used someone else or given her different dialogue but oh well. I think it made a lot of people happy and I know they’ve already commissioned a new one so good and great and I’ll watch it and go team go.

In the end, just so we’re all on the same page, I love this thing below and it’s the Star Trek Engineering Fleet Insignia so there’s that:

I would also like to go on record stating that I really, really like John Hawkes but I don’t think this was his greatest role either and why Foster agreed to that sex scene is anyone’s guess.

hmmp.

FILED UNDER: A MILLION TIMES BETTER THAN JOHN FROM CINCINATTI

CROSS FILED UNDER: DON’T EVER FUCKING STOP YOU DIRTY SON OF A BITCH OR I’LL SHOVE YOUR FUCKING HEAD UP YOUR OWN ASS BECAUSE I’VE DONE THAT TO SOMEONE BEFORE YOU SORRY ASS FUCKING PRICK