I am not at all afraid to come out here and tell you I’m dumb and maybe I am or maybe I’m not but if you think so that’s ok and it won’t hurt my feelings because at least I try. So – are you old enough to remember the IMDB message boards? How about the Lifetime Movie Network? I know one of those isn’t around anymore but my point is that there used to be – or people used to have ways of trying to insult a movie on the IMDB board things like “THIS AINT NO BETTER THAN A LIFETIME MOVIE!!” or “ME SEEN BETTER ON LIFETIME” or “I watched this movie and now I have gonerrhea avoid!” (sic). SO, as I’ve stated in the past that I’ve never seen a porn because we don’t smoke weed and haven’t seen a porn I can honestly say that I don’t think I’ve ever actually seen a “Lifetime movie” – something created for and by the Lifetime Network. I really have no idea if they are good or bad but I can only use my brains to conclude that they typically revolve around some sort of relationship material and may include people pretending to be much younger than they are and are not really demographed to people like me who like horror and guts.

Occasionally, I’ll watch something such as a made up example called something like “Feast on My Remains, Please” or something and the Amazon Magic Movie Sales Algorithm will find something containing an acting person from the movie and recommend it as something I’d like. In this case I think I saw something with a guy named Jeff Daniel in it at some point in the past and this came up and here we are. Aren’t we some lucky devils?

This movie goes as such: an attractive woman moves into a suburban house sans family who are coming along later. Nosy neighbors, stalky moving man (singular) and the hard bodied eighteen year old kid from down the street enter her life (the guy playing that kid had to be 30). There’s also a 1950s looking ice cream truck rolling around the neighborhood at all hours of the day and night. And I thought (strangely) the ice cream man is played by a foreign fellow whose English is a little wobbly and his Rs sound like Ws and I would really never make fun of something like that but when he calmly offers up some Wum Waisin ice cweam it was kind of distracting in a movie I was already not at all into.

And by ‘not into’ I mean what was this thing? A lady moved back to where she grew up but now she’s a mom with a family and missed her fun teen years and even goes to a party and reluctantly dines a doob and tries on her skinny short shorts and has feelings for the young kid who mows yards in his khakis but no shirt showcasing his muscular teets. Oh and then subtly and gradually some smooth talking fellow kills a few people with an ice cream scoop. I’m guessing this is some sort of allegory about suppressing her desires now that she’s old and mature and had a kid and shit but all right. Great thanks. I also just reread that and my auto correct changed smokes a doob to dines a doob and I’m totally not changing that.

But I suppose there were a couple of decent moments like when she’s going to the party and passes the two teens who are going to smoke “doobage”. It’s been 30 years since I’d heard that so hahaha. And this one part where these two teens are making out and the doorbell rings and the girl says aren’t you gonna go get that and the guy says I can’t I’ve got a huge boner – that made me lol. But overall I think this one was really not for me even though some characters get killed with an ice cream scoop. Oh! And one gets it with a shake mixer to the face. Yum!

So, to recap: nothing happens.

FILED UNDER: NOT FOR ME AND DOOBAGE AND LOL DOOBAGE MAYBE IF WE HAD SOME DOOBAGE TO DINE AND WATCHED THIS IT WOULD BE MORE INTERESTING BUT PROBABLY NOT AND WE’D PROBABLY START DOING SOMETHING ELSE LIKE PLAYING UNO OR EVEN CHECKERS OR DOMINOS TO PASS THE TIME HERE YAWNTOWN

In fact, here’s a decision flow chart I put together if you might be considering it: