I’ve been having some real trouble figuring out how to start this piece and then I was driving to work today and it hit me. Yay for me! I was listening to a radio station called ‘hair nation’ which plays a bunch of 80s and 90s rock – which I like a lot of but OHGODDAMN they play a lot of Poison GOD DAMN but this one other song came on and it’s one of those rock ballads by a band called Whitesnake who were real popular there in the late 80s. The song is titled ‘the deeper the love’ and it’s pretty good and the chorus goes like this:

When the sun goes down
and the nights are growing colder
I will be there
Looking over your shoulder”

We should all heavily underline in our note taking that, as the song gets longer, he takes DEEP. EMPHATIC pauses between words for SERIOUS AND POIGNANT DRAMATIC EFFECT. I mean, he means business in his love.

So what that germinated in me was this memory: it was spring break in like 1989 I think and four of us drove down to a place called Padre in Mexico where we were going to do underage drinking, frolic with chicks on the beaches and get laid all day and night for a week. I can tell you right now that only one of those plans actually happened but this one night we went to a party somewhere and everyone was loaded on beer and shitty tequila and I did actually run into a girl who seemed to like me and we made it. The next morning or noon or whenever, being the only child depressed and lonely guy I always was I was all “oh man this chick really likes me oh man oh my things are going my way forever” and probably something like “she loves me” and in line with that song. something deep like “I’ll be looking over her shoulder because love” and then she got up and didn’t know who I was and got her friend and left which really is the true fucking story of my life.

To get to my fucking point, this morning, in the time it takes for the brain to work, I heard that chorus, remembered that time in Padre, thought that line actually sounded kind of creepy and thought of my experience and what that stranger girl thought of me and revised the lyrics to this – with the majority of the time spent thinking of a word that rhymes with ‘closet’:

♪When your hopes wash away♫
♫like an old dripping faucet♪,
♫I will be there (dramatic pause)♪
♫watching you (dramatic pause) ♫♫♪ from your closet!♪

And to tie this all together in the Film Miasma Long IntroTM, that, friends, is how you summon the darkness. I know I have some pictures from that spring break around here somewhere. Here you go, that’s a younger me in the middle with the stunning physique:

In this movie three women NOT trying to make it with me are rock and roll metal head banging chicks looking to party and pee. For real one of the characters has to pee all the time and it’s pretty well written and funny. Another one of the cast is Alexandra Daddario who is probably trying to unsummon or cast out whatever happened in that Texas Chainsaw movie she did. They head to this metal concert and hit on these three dudes who are also well written and then they all head to a house to party fucking party yeah party party party get laid party and the girls tie them up and intend to sacrifice them to the devil because yes we all need more devil in our lives.

Or are they? It’s not like this is some big mystery or even something twisty but I thought this was really well done and fun. If I had to bitch about something it would be about something that happens towards the end but that’s because I don’t like the actor but that’s my fault and not the movie’s. I wonder if this director’s done anything else. Let’s go see here.

*Clickity clickity click tap tap click tab click enter point click scroll scroll click click*

*click click scroll click*

*click click click*

Well, nothing I’ve seen. looks like he directed a movie with Liev Schrieber in it. I wonder if that was fun. I like Schrieber but has anyone ever seen anything with him smiling or laughing? I’m sure he’s done something right? I know I watch some shitty movies but in general I don’t intentionally watch things I don’t want to. Like the huge percentages of Oscar nominated things. I mean they didn’t nominate Pig so fuck em even more.

FILED UNDER: TINY BLADDERS

With a sad remembrance and sorrowful lamentations regarding this:

As a bonus for sitting through this post talking about how lonely and sad i used to be, here’s a bit about a short film I watched not too long ago that I really liked. It’s called “Stay” and it’s from 2017 and goes with the theme of this post which is really not about Going With me as a teenager. I’ll stick it down below even though you should go watch it somewhere where you can give them money, even if it’s a dollar.

It’s funny, sexy, Satan-y and even a little bloody and a good way to start drinking beer and ramble on and on about something irrelevant and stupid, which is not unexpected at this place. I’ll also have to spoil but can you really spoil an 8 minute movie?

Five chicks get together to perform a ritual and summon a demon! YAY! To do this one of them must commit the ultimate sacrifice and murder herself! WHOO! The demon appears out of the shadows!! He’s covered in hair!! He’s not wearing any clothes- especially pants!! As he’s eating his victim’s arm, one girl gets distracted and breaks the ritual by looking at him. In a surprise move, he gives her cooch a couple of long sniffs and leaves, without really doing anything demon-y or evil other than, well, you know, unwantedly sniffing things. “God damn it Carol! Julia killed herself for nothing!” Someone screams.

Next up its Carol’s turn to commit homicide on herself but – while the others are chanting – she just draws a little blood, summons him out and they promptly get to humping the best way they know how – missionary position! There’s even a Finish Off Blowie to cap things off before they lie back and she starts talking about her feelings. Can you see where this is going? #typicalman

Next time up, she kills one of her friends and he shows up, hesitantly, gets a giant boner and they hump it up again. #nonflaccid I’ve always wondered out here why everyone from hell is always so horny… as we begin to close we get a pretty awesome montage of her killing a bunch of people, trying to get him to come back but he just won’t. I guess even hairy demons have commitment issues. I guess I won’t spoil the twist at the end but it’s pretty clever and includes the line “I guess he was just there to get his rocks off?” Hahaha!  Good job people who made Stay!

Well, I was going to put the link down here for you but either YouTube or WordPress is being a dick and won’t let me. I feel like it’s worth your while if you want to give it a look. It’s not X-rated or anything whoever the prude is that’s blocking it.