One day I had a day off all to myself and decided to actually rent a new movie and lie there on the couch and watch it with my dogs and maybe fall asleep if I felt the need and all of that so I watched maybe 15 trailers and decided on this one which ended up being a mistake on my part. Movies about possessed people and shit can be entertaining to me I guess and I still like Jena Malone even though she was in The Neon Demon and fucked a dead girl but I still like her and like Danny Huston and hey this was made by the guy that did Triangle which I used to really luuuuuuurb even though I haven’t seen it in a while and the trailer made it look good so why not, right? Well come on now here. What was this? Wait – there were some cool things in here but not many and the trailer even had some lies in it and hmmm suck is how I’ll liken this movie to anything. I mean, for real.

See those nuns lying there on the floor face down? That does happen and it’s kind of cool but doesn’t really make sense to me unless it’s some sort of arcane ritual no one has ever told me about. See the nuns out in the yard walking backwards in a circle in the trailer?? That doesn’t happen you fucking liars. You see this nun in the background of the picture below? Word on the street is that she tried to pop out her own eyes because she saw the devil. That’s cool if that really happened but I’m doubtful about this.

And so on and so on &cet &cet. But it all comes down to this: Jena Malone plays a non corpse fucking Irish lady whose brother kills himself off in some Irish church off by one of the cliffs out there. I think her character is some sort of eye doctor or something so she goes to the Irish police there, rattles their arses like all true eye doctors do and then heads to the church to get some goddammed fucking answers from those Catholic sonsofbitches. After she’s done outing liars and proving how bad ass she is, it turns out there’s murder afoot and something going on to do with some sort of relic and a consecration of this church built over there by the cliffs where people throw themselves off to see if god will catch them.

And like I said, there’s some cool things in here but then there also some not so cool things in here. It’s like the director – the guy who did Triangle had one script and then 2nd or 3rd ADs had something different and nothing really gets along. Or something. But instead of trying to make it all good and all of that they just half assed it and said, here you go we need some food in our stomachs we don’t care about your or anyone else – pay us so we can eat and put this out, Which is probably what people think about my blog. Except that I don’t get paid for this and am getting fat anyway. I started a diet a few weeks ago and I guess it’s great and you lose weight from pooping constantly but I’m really wondering if that’s any way to fucking live.

But back to Consecration. I guess Jane Malone did well with her accent and shit and then there’s Danny Huston who I like in general but it seemed he might not have given much of a fuck here and I didn’t really recognize anyone else. There’s a nun that goes around saying “peek a boo” at all of the right make you jump moments and someone wears a cool mask that isn’t explained whatsoever and then – well, i won’t spoil it but the ending isn’t too conclusive for some reason. I don’t know why it had to end like that or why the XXXXXXX was suddenly XXXXXXX and then why she XXXXXXX but uh ok i guess, I didn’t write the goddammed thing.

There’s Malone and her part time girlfriend from Neon Demon above.

What else is there to talk about here? Nothing I think. *shrugs*

Well, this post got me to thinking about Jena Malone and then I thought about her in The Ruins which I liked and then I remembered her in Sucker Punch. That made me think of how I’ve always pretty much watched low rated on IMDB style movies and my friend and I used to gripe about them on our work IM until they started cracking down on workers using words like shit or fuck in their IM servers so we had to find another way to talk about them. For posterity’s sake I started up a blog and – wouldn’t you just fucking know it, the first thing I ever wrote about ever online were my thoughts on Sucker Punch. I closed that blog down years ago because I was looking for a job and it had my name riddled throughout it and it was filled with filth and a lot of shitbags but I still have access to that account so, for everyone’s torturous benefit, here’s my first post ever. (The Top Hat rating system was based on how many top hats you needed to wear to see a particular movie) (because we’re fucking classy guys). (I love all those quote marks) (not really, I don’t)

I am a really big fan of Zach Snyder’s “Dawn of the Dead” remake, “300” and “Watchmen”; they are super violent, super R rated and full of everything I like. I kept an eye on this movie for what seemed like a very long time, this fantasy movie about jailbait chicks in skimpy clothing looking to escape an insane asylum, at war with dragons, zombies, robots and giant samurai. Then, they PG-13ed it and I was completely disappointed. Well it finally came out on DVD and we gave it a watch last night. Here’s what I have to say:

Rated PG 13: One Top Hat

Stunning Visuals: Five Top Hats

Unbelievable CGI: Five Top Hats

Wicked Awesome Slo-mo Scenes: Five Top Hats

Five Nubile, Good Looking Teenage Chicks: Four Top Hats

Intensely Choreographed Action Sequences: Five Top Hats

Acting: Two Top Hats

Scott Glenn: One Top Hat

Length: One Top Hat

Violence: One Top Hat

Dialogue: Two Top Hats

Jena Malone as Rocket: Five Top Hats

Soundtrack: Four Top Hats

Use of Soundtrack: Two Top hats

Jon Hamm: Two Top Hats

So, if I add that up and divide by 15, then we come to three top hats. That’s a lot less than I hoped for when this was announced so long ago. I guess we’ll see what happens next when Snyder puts out the next Superman movie. I’m sure it will be PG, boo.