I don’t know what’s harder – or more time consuming – watching a movie and finding the time to try and write something good stinking crap decent words about it or having to make my own ‘landscape’ posters for these older movies for the featured images at the top of this theme. I didn’t make the black poster above this paragraph – I’m not that good – but I do try. I don’t try very hard, I suppose, that’s kind of my M.O. but I do like these old movies and want to continue to contribute to keeping these things around. But here we are and the bees are buzzing and the ants are in their pants and –

-this thing is something else! I have to admit that I totally loved it – this embodiment of 70s drive in, sleazy, awesomeness. The acting is terrible, the images are grainy, the dialogue is hilarious, the boobs are everywhere, the music is terrific and the plot is fantastic! This is the type of movie I always look for in my search through the 70s – this is the type of thing I remember sneaking and watching with very little sound on while my mom was asleep. Back in the early days of cable. Not many folks are old like me but I remember we’d watch that “nude” channel with the big line through it hoping to catch some boobs. I am sure this is totally not for everyone unless you’re like me and in for some 70s fun. But, like commas, these are probably an acquired taste and you probably already know what you’re getting into here.

Kind of like Film Miasma.

In a small California town men are dying from having too much sex! What? That’s right – too much sex! The horror! The pain! The misery! Their life is being sexed right out of them! Before you dismiss this as a 42nd street porn, this is about how it goes: a busty woman wearing gigantic sunglasses approaches a married man, undoes her top and the next day someone comes across his 70’s style desiccated body. Translation: cheap special effects similar to my rendering of a movie poster. The sheriff doesn’t know what to do! The coroner explains, pulling on his Lucky Strike: “You see, this man died from having too much sex.”! The feds send in their best man who teams up with the local equally busty whip-smart and edgy super investigator, but they can’t figure it out. Men keep dying all over the fucking place. Can’t a hard working, blue collar working dick just goose a broad every now and then? God damn!

What can we piece together before the big ending? These women with huge sunglasses and other things seduce middle aged men and then kill them. Then they call their wives and say “Your husband is in terrible danger. He can’t come to the phone right now but you can save him if you come to this location.” There, they work out their differences are stripped nude, hypnotized by some lo-tech contraption, smeared with honey and put into some sort of chamber where they are covered from head to toes with bees. I am not sure of the logic behind this but, when they come out, their eyes are all black and they have the desire… to mate! Awwwwwww shit!

Just what the fuck is going on here? Why can’t men ball? When will they introduce the Pop Top beer can? Who is the Property Master that built those sets? Why are those lab coats so loose??

Obviously, I really liked this, but this is my kind of thing. There’s also some pretty unintentionally funny lines in here that won’t translate if I type them. The only one that might look good on paper is this:

The sheriff is imposing a curfew on the town so “our lives will not be at risk” and some old, large, dude stands up and yells: “NO ONE’S GONNA TELL ME WHEN I CAN BALL MY OLD LADY!! OR ANYBODY ELSE FOR THAT MATTER!!!” Does he mean: no one from the government can tell him him when to ball? Or no one else can tell him when to ball because he trusts this particular guy? Or: no one can tell me who to ball? Does he want to ball the short order cook in the cafeteria? But he can’t?? The cook is a dude! Who wants to ball who? What’s going on here? Just who’s balling who? Did I use “who’s” correctly?

Happily filed under: THE BOOBS THAT TIME FORGOT