At Film Miasma, this place, we look forward to bringing you the finest writing about the best movies out there writing on things so you can make the choice if you want to watch them or not. We’ve all sat around on Friday or Saturday night with something in our hand – maybe a remote – wondering what to give a look at before it’s bedtime, or it’s time for whatever you fucking feel like and maybe you just need something to help you make out make a solid pick. Maybe it’s almost time for a nice tug off of that six foot bong you got for Christmas or since the kids are finally asleep and you’re fixing to gear up for some of the Hibbity Bibbity Unskinny Bop – but what’s your next step? Well – we’ve got your back when you just might want to pull the trigger strike that no keep it on the likes of Hellraiser 6 8 or horseshit like The Amityville Dollhouse Amityville 2. Because that’s what you should be doing on your weekend, trying to decide whether or not you should watch Hellraiser 6 Or The Amityville Vibrator something like that in the first place. Or Day of the Dead 2:Contagium a goddamn Asylum movie like War of The Worlds 2 by C Thomas Howell for fuck’s sake. In any case, here’s our second installment in the Hellraiser Collection and – spoiler – it’s also not a wonderful gift, you know, like a dick in a box a wooden log smashed on your junk.

This one starts off with a look into how Pinhead became Pinhead and then we flashback through the first movie to set everything up, unless we forget what the fuck just happened in the first one that came out a year earlier. We then find the daughter – who did not get her soul torn apart – Kristy waking up in the local Insane Asylum spouting nonsense about demons and boxes and all of that shit, which no one believes except for the conveniently English doctor who has been searching for the doorway to Hell for, I guess, ever. Noticing his age and the year of this movie, he must have started having his nocturnal emissions regarding Hell sometime during The Blitz. Anyway, his interest , um, titillated, he tells the crime scene cop to confiscate that bloody, shitty mattress from the Cotton’s house and drop it off at his luxurious condo. Because, if you’re an American beat cop and the other guy is British, you must do what he commands. “I obey, me lord.” Curtsey.

Having listened to Kristy’s stories of the macabre, he brings one of his batshit patients home one night and convinces him to sit on the nasty piece of bedding and slice himself to gory pieces. Naturally, like we’ve all experienced, this brings back to life the skinless zombie of Kristy’s mother in law – who has been to Hell and likes it, dubbing herself “The Queen of Pain”. Also naturally, she orders the good doctor to bring her more human bodies so she can continue to resurrect herself and they can live out their lives in carnal sodomy and pain, sniffing the flowers and hopefully getting their souls torn apart.

Elsewhere, there’s a young girl in the room next to Kristy’s who looks suspiciously like a female Brad Pitt who is also a mute and conveniently spends her days solving puzzles. “Conevient, me lord!” Says The Plot. One night, after Kristy witness what also conveniently appears to be her ripped-to-pieces father reaching skinlessly out to her from the bowels of hell for help so, she contracts her neighbor to open THE BOX and here come those soul tearing Cenobites again to predict an issuance of pain and suffering that will be “Legendary. Even in Hell.”

As you can see, someone who did, indeed, have his body ripped completely apart came back from the dead to write “I am in hell, help me”. Being a person who staunchly refuses to relieve himself of solid waste in public (unless the only other option is shitting myself), I think the next time I do have to do that while I’m at work, on my way there, I’ll cut my fingertips off, scrawl that on the hall outside of my office and see where that takes my co-workers. Do you think they’ll risk Legendary Pain to save me? Will they waste their tears and suffering? My money bets that they won’t.

This one has even more zombie kissing, skinless boobs and stiletto knives in you’re in the mood for that. Oh… and some Cenobites.

Filed under: MIASMA COLLECTIONS