I feel like this will be hard for me to explain myself with but this movie gives me good memories and while I don’t feel like many people will probably like this one for some reason or another, this one gave me a good experience and I probably won’t ever watch it again but I’ll have these thoughts of this thing for as long as my brain keeps these around or until I look at my own writing at some point in the future and think oh yeah that son of a bitch hey I remember that ha ha yes ah yes. First off this appears to be a really low budget independent horror film so that might put people off. There’s a small cast of five or six in and around an old house out in the middle of nowhere that doesn’t appear to be on any sort of sorority row by any sort of college or any other type of establishment for miles so that’s misleading but the house is haunted so if we just go by the title we’re close to the truth. So low budget, small cast, dodgy editing, random seeming filler shots of pitchforks scraping on bricks and windows, a guy that seems to die because he’s around some vomit, some seemingly cheap special effects and an irritating douche. Sounds lame but let’s take a look. I also can’t find much if any media on this so it will be up to me to try and render some images here.

This starts off with a couple of people, a dude and his squeeze, who are going to stop at this run down old house in the middle of nowhere so he can cross haunted house sex off his bucket list. For real. Inside, the girl does a strip tease and hears something creaky or something and wants to stop but the guy has great dialogue with stage trained emotion and says something Shakespearean like “uh uh baby girl I came her to get my nut off so ain’t no one leaving here til somebody squeezes it out hash tag haunted house nut!” and sticks his tongue out and wiggles it around and makes yo yo yo noises. That may not be exactly it but it’s close and then the camera pans to a fully naked woman with some iffy makeup around her mouth and then they’re all dead I think and I’m going “what is this garbage I’ve gotten into today?” and then we, I guess, go forward in time and a female of moderate age is trying to buy this same house from another female of moderate age so she can start a new sorority “sold!” yells the other female of moderate age and adds “sorry I didn’t tell you it’s haunted!” and leaves. So I take a break for a minute wondering what’s going on in my life and thinking about taking up flagellating myself again and I look this movie up wondering if the first female of moderate age – if this was her first work and she’s moved on because she’s got a nice look and voice and I see the picture of the director and he’s made 42 movies and he looks like a madman and the same people keep working with him so what is this? What’s going on here? Is there some ecosystem of horror loving people that really get into cheap things like this and there’s a big following or something and I’m missing out because I’m some sort of snobby asshole?

So I kept watching this thing and this other female of moderate age is driving with her dickhead boyfriend to help her move into the sorority house. “Look babe I just want to ball and yo yo I’m hot and hard as your daddy after the Miss America contest yo yo” he sleazes like the a-hole he is. “You won’t get to see these if you keep acting like that” she advises showing off her compliments. “Aw shit broheim I’ve been cockblocked by my own cock!” he gripes.

Elsewhere, another couple of females of moderate age are packing things in the back of a hatchback. One looks like Laura Prepon when she was Pensioti on that 70s show and I find her alluring. She’s also the obvious dork girl who knows what Ethernet cables and modems are. There’s also the cool dweebish guy who doesn’t really want to get laid with the original moderately aged girl but probably would if the opportunity came up but he’s really just there to help move in and be helpful. Plus his friend is a real asswipe who says things like “I just cockblocked my own cock broheim”.

Before too long everyone has converged at the haunted house on sorority row just like the four winds and after a soapy shower, some cock blocked sex and dial up modems, everyone reconnoiters in the kitchen to assess things, while scooping spaghetti out of a pan (and they scoop a lot of food out of that pan for some reason). “I just want this be a place where outsiders can fit in” says the first of all of the moderately aged females. “I hated my last sorority” says another. “Man you chicks should ball” hisses the broheim, cock blocking himself once more. “I’d like to ball my cock if you know what I mean” and points to his tiny peepee. Luckily all of this ends soon as the food becomes uneatable and people start retiring to different rooms of the haunted house on sorority row and little do they know that there’s a fully naked female ghost hanging around with a bag over her head prepared to bring your biggest innate fear to the surface.

Like our resident douchebag. “I gotta shit! And bust my nut!” He says and goes to the unoccupied (only) bathroom in the haunted house on sorority row. There, he spies a bunch of puke on the floor. “What the fuck! Hey I don’t pick up puke you fucks!” He screams and then wipes up the puke with a towel. As he throws it in the tub he notices the shower is now on and there’s a moderately aged female in there and she screams “you didn’t even know if I was alive or dead when you fucked me” and he’s all “what huh” and she screams it again and then he falls on the floor puking his own puke and dies (presumably) (and blocks the only bathroom door). So – it seems there actually is something going on depth wise here even if things have been a little strained.

Later, someone needs to pee. “We’ll have to use the toilet in the basement!” someone concludes and off someone goes into the unlit basement of the haunted house in sorority row. But something’s wrong! There’s a naked ghost down there eliciting her darkest fears! She dies!

Upstairs, a moderately aged female starts to take matters into her own hands because I guess that’s what you do when it’s your first night in the haunted house. There’s a ghost! Her hands burn! Elsewhere the only other dude left walks into a room. There’s a chair! “No!” he whimpers. Later he is found bound to the chair with his pants around his ankles crying “I didn’t tell! I didn’t tell!” Before too long everyone is in only their underwear for some reason and this movie is somehow making me like it. For some reason people with burning torches are circling the house. There’s a pile of burning wood. What? The end is near! They are all doomed! Doomed AF! They tell each other all of their horrible secrets and unburden themselves of guilt and shame like the shame of my writing! A door opens up! Light shines in! They are saved!

Or are they????

And then what happens? After a closing scene that’s not too bad, the credits pop up and what is this? A song starts playing that I’ve never heard and I really like it and I’m all whuuuuuut and I stay sitting through the credits and I see this:

and I listen to it again and I’m all huuuuuuh and I go look up this band and then I can’t find the song anywhere and apparently it’s some sort of rendition of some old song from 100 years ago or some shit but I still really like it and it makes me like this movie more and I found it and I bought it. I’d put it out here to play for you but I don’t know how to do that so if you’re interested I’m sure you can find it but there IS a little rap interlude about 2/3rds in there that isn’t my favorite but other than that I love it and wonder where it came from and if it would like me if we hung out.

In the end I ended up liking the time I spent with this movie and i learned a new song so I’m happy with everything and would watch something else by this guy. It looks like he’s got one called Babysitter Massacre that sounds like something I’d watch so maybe I’ll try that next. Here’s a picture I found of two of the cast:

FILED UNDER: NAKED GHOSTS AND BLOCK COCK AND PITCHFORKS AND I AINT PICKING UP PUKE YOU PUKES

Here’s a link to the song I like – it might not work because I know WordPress is sometimes a real asshole about sharing links

https://danielleatethesandwich.bandcamp.com/track/the-ghost-of-john-cover