I don’t know if was just in a bad mood when I watched this thing – I really and honestly do try to give everything and everyone some sort of objective hope and I feel like I might like things more than most people because I think I appreciate the effort and hopefully they tried hard – but I think this is really one of the worst movies I’ve seen in I don’t know how long and I think it made me crabby and I almost feel like I’m mad or angry at these people for actually getting this put out on Amazon so people can find it. I mean it’s not obscene and vile and disgusting and all of that I just felt like it’s a very very very very very poor movie that I witnessed here and I hope it’s one of those tiny little asteroids that came into my gravity and it flew away never ever to be near me again. And I’m I’m really not trying to be overly dramatic, I think I just hated it so much. So much.

The concept here is that this really irritating douche in a red Santa Claus coat as seen above in lieu of a poster- wait, first – a bunch of people are hanging around in someone’s living room drinking and doing Christmas stuff then this guy shows up in his Santa hat and red jacket and suddenly they’re all paralyzed and this fucker won’t stop talking about how he’s been sent to that place to remind everyone how traditional Christmas Eve is supposed to be about telling spooky stories and he’s going to tell some spooky stories and kill everyone. I immediately hated everything that was going on after the first five minutes and then he tells his first story called “Hook”.

A guy and his gal are in the front seat of a car and the guy wants to bone. She doesn’t want to but she’ll take off things like her Bobby pins if he can answer trivia questions. Soon an announcement comes on the radio that someone has escaped the local insane asylum and has a hook for a hand and hes dangerous so be aware. “Screw this!” he yells after he hears a noise and the car drives off. As the taillights fade out some person’s arm drops into view and it has a hook for a hand. It was absolutely pointless and reminded me of something someone might have told me when I was four. Literally – The Tale of Ole Hook Hand McGee or something.

Back to the house and irritating Santa guy keeps running his lips about telling spooky stories on Christmas Eve and sits on someone’s lap and kills her by touching her face and breaking her neck which brings us to the next story about a ghost but I forget what it’s called.

In what looks to be someone’s basement, a preacher stands behind a pulpit and some random nearby cop says “no one’s ever stayed the whole night there before” and the preacher says something about the power of god and the next we see him he sits down in different room somewhere, lights a wick lamp and starts reading the Bible. A door creaks. He turns the light up. A door creaks. He turns it up more. A door opens and he stands up to see a figure of a woman there. He furrows his brow. Next up he’s back at the church passing around a collection plate to his eight congregationalists and it’s over. Stupid I hate it. That one reminds me of that story my grandpa used to tell me about the kid who scratched his butt too much. “And that’s why you wipe your asshole good, kid” he’d finish.

Back in the house red santa guy puts his finger up someone’s nose and kills him. For real. And starts a new story about a wolf.

A man sits at a bar talking about a wolf. The next morning his friends find him dead and leaning against a tree. “The wolf did it” someone mumbles, “but they didn’t kill the goat.” A goat is shown in the woods. The next time we see the goat in the same scene it is on a leash.

Back at the house someone who was paralyzed escapes and throws up so Santa guy kills him and tells him a spooky story.

A woman takes a lemonade to a man working on the farm with no shirt on. “I love you” she says and we presume they bang. “I’m sending you away,” says her dad who doesn’t want her banging the farm boy. He dies of a broken heart.

Some guys talk about pizza and hamburgers – they get chased by some sort of ghost, one of them dies from catching a cold I think.

A babysitter: the call is coming from inside the house.

Santa guy kills someone.

There is an entire “vignette” about a kid who finds a big toe in the mud, his dad boils it and the family eats it then someone comes back to get it. This is for real and I’m not lying.

The Santa guy has PG sex with one of the women and then gets in trouble by these three “angels” who turn him into a snowman in a snow globe.

I realize that I forever owe anyone who reads my stuff and I know it’s not for anyone but I try and be creative and make myself happy and keep my brains working. I know that sometimes I either embellish a few things or maybe I just see them differently mm hmm. But all the shit I put up above that’s what really what happened here. A load of shit. I hated it and I hope the people who made it are all rolling around in their beds on a pile of money. Good for them.

I don’t use this ‘category’ too often because i really try and have a good time with these things but i’m sticking this in the ‘worse than the draft beer shits’ bunch because it sucked so bad and i also recently had to go to a wedding and drank a bunch of warmish draft beer from a keg and it was really terrible the next day.

FILED UNDER: OMG THE ABSOLUTE WORST TERRIBLE PLEASE NO MORE PLEASE LEAVE ME ALONE PLEASE