I found this one on Midnight Pulp which has been really hit or miss – I truly like a lot of these old 70s movies and the low-res doesn’t bother me or the analog sound and there are some real doozies put out by Crown International so I figured this one would be somewhat up my alley with some fun 70s simpleness and some “car wheels on a gravel road” by Lucinda Williams and maybe some sleazy charm and this honestly sounded like something i remembered from back in the old days when my mom and dad lived together and they got one of the early versions of a satellite movie channel and I swear it was called something like “vue” and they had a commercial that went around singing “I love vue” and I looked it up one year and couldn’t find it so I figured I was just mis-remembering things but come on and just now I looked it up again and found this:

Video Entertainment Unlimited (VEU): One example of an early subscription television service that utilized both microwave systems and, later, signals from independent stations, was VEU (Video Entertainment Unlimited). Operating from 1980 to 1984, VEU offered a mix of films and other programs and could be considered a precursor to modern multichannel television services

SO HOT DAMN I WAS RIGHT! UP YOURS INTENET FROM SEVERAL YEARS AGO! And I remembered that my friend would come over to spend the night and sometimes in the middle of the night we could watch boobs and maybe something scary but over at his house he had the scrambled channel so that was no good but then my mom and dad got divorced and that all went away and i just went back to reading and comic books and listening to my records. And being bored. But I remember this one about these two hippy dudes hitchhiking around and of course they got laid every time they got a ride (I think) until someone killed them (I think) and VW Beetles and pot smoking and all of that and here comes nostalgia and this sure wasn’t that. This was a terrible thing with scratchy sound and irritating voiceovers and everyone just looked filthy constantly and I bet they stunk like eye burning B.O. and – how do I put this, do I use all caps again or an underline? Let’s go all caps for emphasis – MY GOD THE INCESSANT AND NEVER ENDING MUSIC THEY PLAYED WAS SO GRATING AND LOUD AND IT SUCKED SO MUCH I COULD BARELY TAKE IT IT HURT ME SO.

But we do what we must and I eventually made it through and I’ve lived to tell about it so I’ll tell about it here and hopefully if anyone reads this we can make it out alive and future generations of people will tell stories about us around the campfire .

The voiceover over the opening credits is this young lady telling her boyfriend “not to finish” while they’re doing it and then she’s all “oh you finished how could you finish!?” and then some “I can’t believe you finished!” and “what am I going to do now that you finished?” and I don’t remember it word for word but that’s really how it went so at some point in the movie’s future she steals money off of her dad’s dresser, throws her belongings in a pillow case and runs away from home barefoot because he finished and she’s knocked up. And that’s also when the music starts and things really started to go downhill. At least for me. I guess for the plot things went bad for Maggie when her boyfriend finished and she had to run away from home. I *think* her plan was to hitchhike to L.A. and start over there and maybe that’s what happened eventually because it looks like her other big credit was a stint on a TV show called Hee Haw that I used to watch with my grandparents.

So Maggie runs away and walks barefoot for the love of god along some road over the opening song in the California desert until she sits down to eat a candy bar and some random woman pops out of the thickets and weeds and is all “hey look here bitch this is my spot get out of here bitch!” and Maggie is all “but my boyfriend finished and I ran away from home!” and the other lady is all “you can’t hitch here get out of here bitch!” and then a car comes along and that lady in the jean shorts in the pic above steals Maggie’s pillow case full of all of her shit and rides away screaming “rookie mistake bitch go get your own spot to hitch!” and our poor heroine is left to walk on the freeway barefoot picking up discarded cans of Pepsi to swap out for money if she ever makes it somewhere. Cry face.

Eventually she gets picked up by some trucker who tells her to throw those filthy fucking cans of soda out the window and she says “but i don’t have any money for L.A.!’ and he says he’ll give her some money if she’ll give him a sweaty boinking and she says “but I’m really hungry and can’t boink if I’m hungry” so they stop at a diner and she shoves a hamburger in her mouth to show how hungry she is for gravitas I guess and he says he’ll give her two bucks for that boink now and she says she’ll meet him in the cab of his truck while he pays for the burger and she goes out there and grabs her cans of Pepsi and as she’s trying to run away he finds her and gives her an unwanted boinking and she runs off into the night screaming with a ripped blouse.

Luckily she’s picked up soon by a guy driving an old pick-up truck which looks remarkably like one of my first rides except mine was a Ford and I think I remember this one being a Chevy but anyway now she’s saved and then the music REALLY gets grating and annoying singing about how this guy is wanted by the law and other shit I want to get out of my head forever. Soon enough she finds herself in old burnt out ranch of some sort with Benson (is his name) and some other stinking people and one of them is the chick in the cut off jeans from earlier who stole her pillow case full of shit and they fight in the dirt and she starts crying because of what happened when her boyfriend finished and something’s not right in there so they all go kidnap some doctor at gunpoint from an operating room and he reluctantly ends what was happening in there and then they all kind of get along and go around showing their buttocks and loose boobs and robbing people when they pull over to give them a lift. You see the lady or ladies will wiggle their bodies and put on a happy face and maybe expose some of their you knows and the middle aged man driving alone on a back road in the California desert will pull over thinking i guess he might get a boinking and then Benson will come out of the bushes and shove a revolver against the backside of the guy’s nuts and threaten to blow them off unless he hands over all of his cash and goods and then they all run off laughing and no one ever tells the cops or anything because the middle aged man driving alone in the desert by himself in the desert back roads doesn’t want to get get accused of being a dirty old man with some underage stinking hippy.

Hey look here’s a gif I found that someone made from this movie:

I mean, if you were a middle aged businessman on your way to broker some sort of goods or transactions wouldn’t you go down that isolated road instead of the highway?

And so it goes the entire rest of the way. I thought this was a terrible time and if I gave things like ratings I would give this .5 don’t make me get in the trunk and crush my eggs out of 10.

I couldn’t find any reasonable ‘banner’ sized posters for this terrible movie for the big image at the top so I had Steve make me a few – I liked that one I used and this one and these are probably the best memories I’ll ever have of this thing.

FILED UNDER: THIS ONE SUCKED AND STINKY PEOPLE AND THOUSAND OAKS MOTORS AND THIS MOVIE WILL NOT MAKE YOU FINISH AND: