I think anthology movies are good concepts with the exception of the last four VHS movies which I’ve truly hated almost all of their guts so this new holiday one which reminds me of an older holiday one that I don’t remember the name of but I don’t remember liking it very much either. I guess that’s a spoiler letting you know I didn’t like this one but I didn’t. Almost not at all, now that I think about it and now I’m wondering if this was even real or just my imagination or a dream of how some folks one time had an idea of a movie. Like right this second my brains are remembering a dream I had last night – something or other was happening and my dad was driving me around in some kind of dune buggy / golf cart thing. It was really broken down and we were driving through some sort of land development area and I wanted to leave but he wouldn’t stop the thing and we ended up in some newly built area of houses and were at some table and he gave me a cigar to smoke and I was looking at the properties and instead of being kind of square-ish lots like we have around here things were more diagonal and weirdly angled. Like hexagons. Now I can’t remember what else happened but at some point there my alarm went off and I had to come up to work where I sit typing on my lunch hour about the dream I had around 6 hours ago. That doesn’t have anything to do with Holiday Hell other than nothing at all and that’s how we’ll start off today’s big adventure.

A woman walks into a novelty store called the Nevertold something or other where they sell shrunken heads and skulls and old torture devices. She’s looking for a Christmas present for her sister at this store of death and the proprietor happens to be a lip smacking Jeffrey Combs. I don’t really know much of his work but for some reason he was really sucking on his teeth or however you describe it in this and it was really distracting but she wants to buy something gross for her sister and he’s got these goods that have never had their stories told. Until now thank god.

The first thing she sees on the wall that her sister might want under the Christmas tree is a cracked face mask that obviously has something to do with crazy murder people so we get to hear its story..

As it goes – do youths still do this? I have no idea anymore but things are different from the way I grew up. So as it goes, these two chicks go to one of the lamest parties I’ve ever seen but they go there to get laid. There are a couple of other girls there too who go to the basement and get killed by a female in that mask we saw in the opening. The kills are lame and cgi blood squirts around and the killer lady in the mask goes upstairs to kill some more people for being pretty. Eventually one of the original people I talked about in this segment kills the masked lady and then her friend who I guess was off balling some dude comes in and screams screams “why’d you kill my sister?” in the worst twist ever and the sequence is over thank the gods of latex and pain.

Back at the shoppe, the shopper wrinkles her nose and poo-poos the whole mask idea, wasting the store owner’s precious time like she’s his manager or something asking for something that makes no fucking sense and will never benefit anyone at any time ever so they look around a little more and he does some hand gesturing and they come across this hideous wooden doll that looks like an old Jewish fellow and I guess we’re going to hear that story now too, by gum.

Apparently at some modern point in time some Jewish kid was unhappy or scared so his parents bought him this doll. It’s wooden and I thought it was very ugly looking and I would never want it near me but I think he loved it and even tucked it into bed under the covers because he’s so sweet. One night the parents are going away somewhere, maybe to screw I don’t know, and they get a babysitter. The babysitter is finally ready to pull the trigger on stealing their riches (I think she even called it that) even if it means killing the little fucking kid with the doll even though he looks like a teenager. “I’ll kill you if you get in my way you little brat!!” She scolds and calls her boyfriend to tell him it’s game on, unbeknownst that he’s in his hot rod getting a blowie.

One of the first things that really put me off of this movie big time was the boyfriend character. He’s one of those very unethnic white fellows with a backward tilted cap and probably saggy pants that says things like “yo yo yo heeeeyyyy boiiii I’m gangsta yo yo” and flips his hand around while grabbing his junk. That’s not really my favorite behavioral trait among my fellow humans so this guy with his sideways duck lips and his gold bling really irritated me but I know that’s my fault and I need to get over it yo yo.

Oh hey! I rarely ever hear jokes much less remember them for very long but that reminds me of one I laughed at the other day. Have you heard the joke about the lady that changed her name to Carmen? She changed it to the two things she likes most, cars and men. So I changed mine to ______ ______. Hahahahahaha that’s probably not very funny and probably inappropriate so I should try and remember to go back and change that. O _ o Editor’s note: we changed this in the interest of decency and in accordance with The Eric Undead Public Shame Act of 2024 §33.186.44.77

Where were we? Oh yeah so this girl and her douchey boyfriend are going to steal the family riches so the boy asks the doll to help him and the doll comes alive and kills them both and later they are both found in a car dead sitting up so I guess somehow the little wooden doll dragged them out of the house and placed them in a car seat and then went back to bed. The next day the parents come home and ALL’S WELL THAT ENDS WELL sing songy sing from my magical music fingers.

But the shopper lady is not pleased with this gift either for her sister on Christmas and wants to have a look at a hatchet hanging on the wall which will finally tie us into the whole Christmas theme at the two hour mark of reading this blog post.

Somewhere else in the world of this anthology a henpecked man gets home to his angry wife who berates him for not getting a promotion. “You’re a stupid dumbass and you’re weak too and I bet the guy that got the promotion has bigger balls than you and probably a nine inch zinger of a throbbing dong and don’t get drunk at the office Christmas party tomorrow night you suck.” She says, making his day even worse than it was already. “Throbbing zinger??” He asks himself settling onto the couch for the night.

So the next night he gets drunk and kills everyone that’ll teach em for being dicks. Sorry spoilers.

Back to the wraparound story: but she doesn’t want the ax either because it’s not Christmassy enough or something but he wants her ring or necklace or something I’ve already forgot and she won’t give it to him so he reaches under the counter for a pistol and suddenly the room is filled with people looking all goth, even behind him and they take his arm and cut it and it gushes blood all over the place and they use a skull from his shop to bring her sister back from the dead which was easily the most decent part of this whole farting thing.

FILED UNDER: NEVER TRUST A SHOPPER WHEN YOU HAVE HER SISTER’S SKULL ON THE COUNTERTOP AND THAT SUPER WHITE UNDEAD CHICK WAS HOT AND WHILE WE’RE AT IT NEVER TRUST A FART AND TACKY JOKES