[insert The Matrix joke here, watch as your friends and random readers die laughing at your hysterical wit] [and charm] [and good looking facial features that cause other people’s bodies to perfume themselves in attraction] HAHAHAHAHAHA JESUS, RIGHT???!! OH GODDAMN!!! HAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHA!! The Oracle!!! Christ!! Crap!! That’s funnier than when I got drunk and tied to dance at that bar that one time. Bump and lift! Bump and lift!]

[insert monocle joke here] [will anyone understand how you really only have one good, trustworthy eye??] [a monocle! Who are you the King of Sweden?? The Duke of Earl?? The Penguin?? A monocle! And to think I had no idea how that was spelled until today.] [I wonder if you can get one that sees through things? Waaaay waahhh zip zooormer bloom I can see you pooping, Mrs Prime Minister.] [Zeeeeng zooooorp woo wooo wooo who’s wearing a thong today Mr Springsteen? You’re a bad boy!] [whiiiizzz zeeeep blooey blooey is that a third nipple for the devil to take suck, Mr Anderson?? I KNEW no one really liked all of those movies you put out almost every year]

[insert testicle joke here] [so the nun sticks the avocados between her legs and yells, “have you seen these fucking nuts??!!??”] [this guys walks into a bar and yells FUCK TEXAS, pulls down his pants and starts skipping around like he’s riding a horse up to and including even spanking his own ass. YOU EVEN BEEN TO TEXAS screams some asshole, spitting tobacco juice all over his toothless mouth and overall displayed hairy chest. On the guy’s next pass, the Texan reaches over, grabs the naked guy’s balls and rips them off , plopping them in his glass of Pearl beer. He chugs the whole concoction down, eats the beer glass, puts his hands to his head with index fingers out like he’s a steer and declares THATS WHAT YOU CALL A TEXAS BOILERMAKER!!! He then rips off his denims, shits all over himself, the bar and drives back home to Dallas to party party with his livestock. ‘Everything is better in Texas’ reads his bumper sticker]

The Oracle, as far as I can tell, was released in the 80s and it seems no one involved ever did anything else. It’s conducted in that ‘Ouija is bad’ style that was popular back then and demons that come around and kill people because they’ve latched on to a host. This one has a – what is it – planchette (?) that’s supposed to be a petrified hand (I think), a giant feather for writin’, several guys with mustaches, a dude with his shirt unbuttoned to his navel and a killer (?) that hates hookers (?) that I think is bald (?) and also a woman (?) I’m not trying to be gender-y or anything but that was surprising. The lead actress I’ve never seen of heard of but she licks her lips a lot and it was kind of alluring and there’s some flashbacks and women drinking scotch and maybe one of those old 40’s LaSalles and a trash chute and a super long wind-in-the-living-room scene complete with random sheets of paper and (I think) plants flying all over the place that is really, really silly but fun.

There’s also a strange tie to the beginning and end. This starts off with an old lady using the planchette – it scratches out the word m u r d e r in the handwriting that only something dead can pull off. Then she dies ohjesusohchrist slumped over the desk like some bag of beans. Later, a guy really showing his chest gives a comely woman the dead woman’s box; in it is a dead hand, a feather, an inkwell and some stationary. An inkwell! You scoff at me. What’s next, a pop top beer?? Elsewhere some bald dude decides to get busy with some dirty hooker off the street. But he can’t get it up! The way I saw it they alluded to him not having a dong like it was cut off but now we all know that this person is a woman! She kills her and goes to get some dinner for fifteen cents. “Christ he even ate the bones,” murmurs the waitress, collecting her money off the table. Elsewhere, a man drinks a pop top beer. Later, our heroine closes the show reenacting what the old lady did in the opening, I believe wearing the same type of old lady dress the first one was in.

So: old lady, planchette, m u r d e r, ouija, party party party, parasitic jealous demons taking a host, eye bugs, LaSalles, trash chute demons, a decapitation, mustache oui oui mustache, scotch, a tv station, wind blowy apartments, foiled assassinations, missing eyebrows, chemical spills, death plots, REVENGE, skeletons, lip licking, snow, running around hallways for 30 minutes in the Insane Asylum, pop top beers and neck medallions.

Does this sound like something up your alley? Could you sink your teeth into it? Does it go straight down Broadway? Tits up? Is if one of those things that replaces the word “for” with “gif” constantly no matter how fucking slow you type or how careful you are? Do you like the mustache? How about vans – do you like vans? Drunk people? Shifting chifforobes? Reporters? The Negligee?

I don’t think this was really the best movie I’ve ever seen but I thought it was good clean fun. I’m also not sure if the male leads in this were aftershave model good looking types or anything but it was fun enough.

FILED UNDER: HE EVEN ATE THE BONES!! THE BONES!!